Where The %#@* Is My Wonder Woman Movie?!?

Over the past decade, we comic book geeks have reveled in seeing our favorite properties brought to the big screen. 2011 alone brings us Thor, Captain America and Green Lantern, while the following year we get The Avengers, possibly The Flash, not to mention re-boots of Superman, Spider-Man, and the X-Men. Even Dr. Strange appears to be coming soon. Pretty much all of the long running iconic super hero characters of the past 50 years (that are not sidekicks or spin offs like Robin or Supergirl or X-Force/Factor/Whatever) will have had their turn at the silver screen by 2013. All, of course, except for one of the most famous of all:

Wonder Woman.

We did come this close once; it seemed Warners knew what they were doing five years ago when they hired Joss Whedon to write and direct a Wonder Woman film, until they went and fucked that one up (as both a huge Whedon and Wonder Woman fan, I may never forgive them for that one. I will always wonder what could have been) But that was then, and this is now, and now it seems like Warner Bros. is finally starting to get all their ducks in a row when it comes to their DC heroes.

It is pretty clear that Warners is gearing up for a Justice League movie much like Marvel Studios is doing with Avengers. Introducing each of the “Big 5” in their own films is the way to go, and one would imagine that must include Wonder Woman at some point. To simply have her be “the chick” in a team movie (like Storm in X-Men or Invisible Woman in the Fantastic Four flicks) is a huge slap in the face to a character who’s had an ongoing book for 70 years and a rich mythology all her own.

But even with their attempt at “Universe Building” with their DC properties, it still seems Warners is terrified of commiting to a Wonder Woman movie. Just recently, producer Lauren Shuler Donner (producer of the X-Men movies and wife of Superman: The Movie director Richard Donner) has been lobbying hard to produce a Wonder Woman movie, but despite her pedigree, not to mention being the person who helped get the ball rolling on the entire modern super hero movie thing in the first place with X-Men, she has been led to believe that when it comes to Wonder Woman on screen “they don’t want it.”

There is no questioning Wonder Woman’s fame, or her status as an icon. Even though it has been 30 years since her media heyday as a star of her own live action television series and co-star of the animated Super-Friends show, Diana Prince remains in that coveted position very few super hero characters have; in other words, even your Grandma knows who she is.

Wonder Woman merchandise is a minor cash cow for Warner Brothers, and consistently outsells merch for more popular characters like the X-Men and Iron Man. Come Halloween time, you see tons of women and girls wearing Wonder Woman costumes, right alongside all the Slutty Nurses and Slutty Janitors and Slutty everything else you see these days. 

 Sure, most of those girls don’t really know anything about the character, but they know who she is, and more or less, what she represents. There is even a dance craze in the American South now called “The Wonder Woman” Apparently in Louisiana, they understand that Wonder Woman is fierce.

Feel that muscle love, and do the Wundah Wuman ya’ll!

People are always giving their reasons why a Wonder Woman film can never work. But I don’t believe that for a second.  So listen up Hollywood…I’m going to detail each of these “issues” and just what you need to do to overcome them. So take some notes:

“HER VILLAINS ARE NOT MOVIE WORTHY”

-Ok, so Wonder Woman does not have the greatest rogue’s gallery in comics. Even as a huge fan of the character, I can concede to that fact. Her most famous villain in the eyes of the mainstream would have to be the Cheetah, if only due to her status as Diana’s main baddie on the old Super Friends show.

Her other most prominent adversary is probably the witch Circe, who could be fun if done correctly, but could easily be campy if done wrong. It could end up coming off as a super powered cat fight that brings to mind Faye Dunaway vs. Helen Slater in Supergirl, or even worse, Halle Berry vs. Sharon Stone at the end of Catwoman. And nobody wants that.

THE SOLUTION

Both in the comics as well as the recent (awesome) animated film, Wonder Woman’s #1 Villain is Ares, the God of War. Making a big screen version would almost demand that you use him. He is the living embodiment of everything negative in our world, and like all good arch foes, he stands totally opposed to everything our hero represents. He has had many incarnations in the comics, so the filmmakers would not have to be tied down to just one version of the character. And lets face it…”God of War” is just a notch below “Satan” in terms of villainy. It is a no brainer.

“WONDER WOMAN IN NOT RELATABLE ENOUGH”

-I often hear this thrown around for people trying to justify their dislike of the character. I kind of call bullshit on this, as aside from Spider-Man, not a single one of the long running super hero icons have back stories that one would say are relatable in any way. Yet good filmmakers have been able to make us all relate to alien orphans, eccentric billionaires, and outcast mutant freaks and found a way to make even the most average ordinary Joe empathize with them.

THE SOLUTION

Good writing. A good screenwriter can find a way to make any scenario, no matter how outlandish or larger than life, relatable. Wonder Woman has an overbearing but well meaning single mother, and about a thousand or more smothering “sisters”. And all she wants to do is get out and experience life for herself and find her place in the world.  I would say that is a pretty relatable emotional hook for anyone to latch on to, assuming it is written properly.

“THE COSTUME IS SILLY”

Another “problem” I keep hearing about is the costume. It is silly, outdated, and no one would take anyone seriously in a movie wearing star spangled panties. Well, you are right. They wouldn’t.

THE SOLUTION

She won’t be wearing the old Lynda Carter bathing suit any more than Christian Bale wears Adam West’s old Batman TV show costume. It needs to retain recognizability (no matter how different it is, it still needs all the elements that make Wonder Woman an icon) but it would need to be changed. A lot. These fan made mock ups show just how awesome, and still recognizable, Wonder Woman could look on the big screen. And all without the bathing suit and the satin tights.

 “MEN WON’T SEE ACTION MOVIES WITH FEMALE PROTAGONISTS”

I don’t mean to play this card too much, but the truth is, when it comes to their movie going habits, men are still sexist as hell. Most women will gladly pay money to go on an emotional journey with a male character for the duration of two hours. Sure, lots of women think the likes of Robert Downey Jr. and Johnny Depp are sexy and go to see their movies for that reason, but at some point during the movie going experience, you have to stop objectifying your protagonist and start identifying with him if it is going to work as a film. Women have far less of a problem identifying with a male lead than men do identifying with a female lead. So female action movies do poorly. The successful versions of female led action movies (T2, Aliens, Kill Bill) essentially tricked the men into watching them by not hammering the point home in ads that these movies were chick action flicks.

HOW TO FIX THE PROBLEM

PLAY UP THE GREEK MYTHOLOGY ACTION ANGLE

Despite what the casual viewer might know, Wonder Woman is not just a female version of Superman. What sets her apart from other heroes is her ties to Greek Myths. And geeks love all that mythology stuff…look how many people flocked to the awful remake of Clash of the Titans, just because we wanted to see Medusas and Krakens and Pegasus and shit. Show a cool trailer, with Diana, sword in hand fighting an Olympian invasion in the streets of Washington DC, 300 style, and guys will show up at the theater. Show a lame trailer, with lots of slo mo shots of a hot chick in a costume, and all you’ll get on opening weekend is a lot of guys staying home and downloading porn. This kind of movie making and marketing is exactly what killed wannabe franchises like Elektra, Aeon Flux and Catwoman. The studios decided to make movies about T&A and not kick ass action movies that just happen to star women.

OK, WE’VE GOT THE GUYS, NOW HOW TO SELL TO WOMEN AND GIRLS?

Obviously, girls like the idea of Wonder Woman. They buy Wonder Woman merchandise like crazy after all. And little girls like Princess stuff. Just ask the Disney accountants. And Wonder Woman just so happens to be a Princess. And in the grand tradition of Disney Princesses, she is blessed with certain attributes at birth like Sleeping Beauty, and longs to be “part of our world” like Ariel in The Little Mermaid. She falls in love with the first man she sees, which, like in the Little Mermaid, is kind of absurd, but is the stuff that fairy tales are made of. And teenage girls and women like the idea of a strong female that doesn’t take shit from anyone. Make sure her love interest (traditionally, downed US Air Force pilot Steve Trevor) is cast with someone girls find attractive, and girls will be all over this flick. 

 So there you have it. The key ingredients to an awesome successful Wonder Woman flick.  So get on it Warner Brothers… The fact that there will be a Ghost Rider 2 before Wonder Woman has had her first movie should be shameful enough to make you start cranking on this yesterday.

All storyboards and concept art is from an artist named Josh McMahon. If a Wonder Woman movie is ever actually made, I hope Warner Bros. cuts this guy a check. You can check out his stuff  HERE.