What Went Wrong?

Despite the shoe-in of a spectacular box office performance, the reviews have spoken loud and clear. This is not a review. This is an analysis.

The long in development Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull delivers more misses than hits. A lot more misses. The film has three things that work strongly in its favor: Harrison Ford’s performance, Stephen Spielberg’s camera and the story’s pacing. Cate Blanchett’s performance as the Soviet villain Irina Spalko is a plus, but the treatment of her character in the film’s script is so unfair and flaccid that we are left with is one of the top acting talents on the planet swinging for the fences with the equivalent of a rubber hose. In the instance of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I do not hate the players. I completely loathe the game.

WARNING! SPOILERS FOLLOW FROM HERE ON OUT! AND NOT JUST REGULAR SPOILERS, BUT HARDCORE SPOILERS THAT WILL GIVE YOU NIGHTMARES! READ ON ONLY IF YOU’VE SEEN THIS FILM!

The lethal problems in this movie might be numerous, but they all stem from one place: the script. Below I’m going to work through what I believe to be the most dead end problems with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But let’s be very clear on two things first:

Monday Morning Quarterbacking is always easier than committing the act itself. During the course of a film’s production, the shooting script is worked and reworked countless times and for countless reasons, none of which we will ever be privy to. Budget, acting, physical complications, the list is endless. Add to that the constant reworking and adjustments that happen during the post process and who knows where this script could have gone. The only thing we are left with is what is on the screen. Knowing that, I’ve limited my criticisms and solutions to the larger aspects of the story instead of nitpicking things that could easily have been production or editing decisions.

Second thing: out of the four of us, Stephen Spielberg, George Lucas, screenwriter David Koepp and me, THREE have made some of the greatest films of the past four decades. ONE is a fledgling video director who does a podcast from his couch. I am not saying that I am a better storyteller than any of these three. Put me in the shoes of any of them and the pressure on my head would be the equivalent of standing at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Stephen Spielberg is… I’m not even going to quantify him. It’s a ridiculous gesture. George Lucas is a storyteller so powerful that he gave us all our childhoods… and then took it all away. He once was quoted as saying that making an audience emote was easy. You give a little girl a pet and then you take it away. He did this to us over the course of thirty years! And David Koepp brought us the scripts to Jurassic Park, Spider-Man (and my personal favorite Toy Soldiers) among so many others in his incredible career that listing them would be like listing a lot of people’s favorite blockbusters list.

So now that we have our perspective on the players and the game, let’s begin. This is not a review of the movie. This is an analysis. And because I don’t run a website where we throw stones at other filmmakers from behind the defense of keyboards, I have provided what I think are solutions to some of the story’s biggest problems. Please, use the comment section below to agree or disagree with my points. They may or may not be any more valid than the opinions voiced during the production of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull aka The Most Heartbreaking Film I’ve Seen Since The English Patient For Reasons Other Than Those In The English Patient… Frustrating Reasons That Leave Me Cold At Night Wondering “What Could Have Been?”.

First things first: The Three Biggest Problems

The Diluting of Our Hero – Harrison Ford owns the role. Always has. Always will. That being said, the presence of several “side-kicks” in this movie takes attention, time and, more importantly, work, away from our hero. As in the past three films, we want to see our main guy earn his victory. The more you give screen time and attention to other characters (who provide varying degrees of anything) the less Indiana has to do on his own. Everyone loves the shots of Indiana Jones standing alone in silhouette. This is why. It’s one man against an army. Raiders of the Lost Ark‘s very first shot provided this and in one shot an icon was born. The Paramount Pictures logo dissolved to the looming sight of a tall mountain peak… but it was soon dwarfed in the frame by the sight of our hero… and he was headed towards it with determination. In one shot, Raiders gave us more information about our protagonist than is provided in the opening sequences of Crystal Skull. Already, things are not looking good.

The Flaccidity of Our Villains – This has nothing to do with Cate Blanchett being a woman. It has to do with the fact that Crystal Skull gives us zero context or urgency to our villains. There is an end goal in sight (to deliver the crystal skull to its rightful place and inherit vast powers) but we never learn what a Soviet victory will really cost. We get a few lines about mind controlling the populace of the United States but we never see these powers ever materialize or on display. The threat is never literalized for us in order to give us that “holy shit, that’s bad” moment. No hearts are ripped out. No armies march. And even worse, Spalko spends the entire movie bluffing. Several times she threatens characters with her rapier skills and supposed psychic powers. We never see her deliver on either and the more she cries wolf, the less we believe she’s capable of anything. By the end of the film, she delivers no tension whatsoever. Giving us the equivalent of Keystone Cops as villains works even further in diluting Indiana in our eyes. Of course he’s going to win! They’re not as ruthless as the other villains were!

The Lack of Stakes – This is the ticking time bomb that drives the story. And the bomb is diffused in the very first scene. The villains are chasing the crystal skull… but they need our hero to use it. In Crystal Skull, Indiana Jones does something he has never done in any of the previous three films: he pursues the wrong goals for the wrong reasons. In Raiders he wants to keep the ark from the Nazis. But not keep its power for himself. In Temple of Doom, Indy wants to recover the stones for the villagers. In Last Crusade, Indiana finds the Holy Grail but makes the choice to leave it and not benefit from its powers. In Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Jones retrieves the all powerful skull… and then does exactly what the villains would do: he takes it to see what happens when the power bestowing legend is fulfilled. Literally, all Indiana Jones needs to do is tell the Soviets to get lost and the threat is gone! For the majority of the film, he’s in possession of the skull! Why does he lead the bad guys towards their ultimate goal? What is really driving him? If the goal is to stop the villains, once the good guys are safe… why don’t they just take the skull on vacation? I would take pictures in exotic locales with the crystal skull and mail then to Stalin with the words “you snooze you lose” written across them. There’s a brief moment where Indiana and his son need to rescue Professor Oxley and this is a sufficient driving force… but once we get there the guy is jumping and dancing around! He’s not tied up! He’s not tortured! He’s on a scout retreat in the Amazon! Come on! Where are the stakes!?! These are the Reds we’re dealing with! Give the action in the film a larger context and then set the bomb ticking! This problem really leads back to the diluting of our hero and our villain.

So let’s set things right. Let’s make the version of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull that we want to see! So where do we start? Well… at the beginning of course:

The Nevada Desert Compound Sequence – Up to this point, things can still be made good. We’ve had our villains kill some army soldiers (good so far!) and a gag with a prairie dog that alludes to the first three films’ intros. This gag works great at first but it never gets paid off so it becomes more infuriating over time than it is satisfying. No, the biggest problem with this opening sequence is that two things happen that are huge: our villains ask Indiana Jones for help and Irina Spalko bluffs for the first time. Already our villains are put at the mercy of our hero and we’re starting to see that our main baddie is full of shit when it comes to delivering on the pain. What we need is something that will establish them immediately as people not to be fucked with and that they will find what they are looking for whether Jones helps them or not (the difference being that they’ll let him live… like anyone would ever believe that!).

Solution – Irina Spalko runs Mac through with her rapier once Indy protests helping.

Bam! Now we’re not fucking around. In one move, the story has established how far the villains are willing to take things (at the very least) and we’ve eliminated a superfluous character. I love Ray Winstone, but Mac really hurts the overall story with his character’s moral fence sitting. Over the course of the film, he forces the audience to like him, then hate him, then be confused by him, then frustrated and ultimately apathetic towards him. By the time he dies in the closing scene, Mac means nothing to us or, more importantly, Indiana. Even worse, Jones’ inability to put his foot down and take a stance against his former friend distances us from our protagonist. Does anyone feel anything for Indiana when we watch Mac die in the end? No. By making this one change, we have given Indiana’s choices emotional weight (the loss of a friend) and something more valuable… a kickass villain. From here, Indiana can begrudgingly help the Soviets while he (and the audience) ponder ‘damn… how am I going to get out of this one?’ This starts our clock ticking. At the end of the sequence, when we finally see Indy escape and standing victoriously against the expanding mushroom cloud (in a throwback to and escalation of the Raiders mountain shot) we won’t be able to avoid thinking ‘okay, this is going to be harder than anything he’s faced up to this point’. Plus, the villains have what they wanted and they’re ruthless! He’d better get around to stopping them.

The FBI, University Sequence – The story stops and we lose sight of the bigger picture: the bad guys just got what they were after! Where’s the urgency? He’s teaching classes! Oh no. He lost his job! Come on! Am I in Crazy Town?!? THE BAD GUYS GOT WHAT THEY WANTED! WHY!?! Indy’s apathy towards this fact stops the story in its tracks. What’s this guy doing?

Solution – He’s a scholar. They’re not. Indy returns to the University for either help or answers. Dean Charles Stanforth has already dealt with the feds and breaks Indy the sad news of his resignation. Wow. Whatever this is about… it’s pretty big. In a much better exposition than in the film, Indy would naturally turn to his father… but now we learn that he’s no longer with us. Maybe he can find them elsewhere.

The Introduction of Mutt Williams – Funny that this sequence takes place on a train because this is where the movie starts to really derail. Shia’s Mutt Williams never stood a chance. He comes off less like The Wild One and more like The Mild One. He rides in with a blasé attitude and keeps it up for the first half of the film. This is an adventure movie. No one should be introduced sitting down unless they’re total wimps (and poor Mutt comes off as exactly that)! The following scene… it’s contagious! He AND Indiana are now sitting down! Come on! Spit it out! There’s some rescuing to be done! Some Soviets to be stopped!

Solution – “Mutt” (shudder) races onto the train in search of Indiana. He’s desperately looking for him. His avoidance of the train conductor and staff show us that he’s smart and resourceful. He knows what Indiana looks like. He finds him on the train but not without causing a commotion with the ticket taker. You want a throw back to the original films? Why not have Indiana save “Mutt” (shudder) from a ticket taker claiming that “Mutt” (shudder) broke onto the train and has “no ticket”? At that point, the Soviet heavies in pursuit of Indiana further complicate the altercation and lead into the motorcycle chase. You can bet Indiana, who just got swept into someone else’s problem, would be wondering “what this is all about”. Cue exposition from Shia! But now you are getting it during our chase scene! So it works in service to the action and story rather than at the expense of it. The story isn’t put on hold while he spills the beans. It’s unfolding around them. On top of that, throw in some disagreements about “Mutt”s conducting of the escape (Indy’s done this a few times) and you start to establish the character’s disapproval of each other while getting some better laughs.

All in all, Mutt’s arch was written away from Shia Lebouf’s strengths. He’s a much better actor than this arch gives him room for. And the solution is also easy: start him out as a loser. The first time we see him he looks like a guy who doesn’t think his shit stinks. He ends as a guy who doesn’t think his shit stinks. It’s just not believable unless we see the transformation for ourselves and see it proven for us. This is what Lebouf does, people!

Disturbia – starts out as a loser and then saves the day.
Transformers – starts out as a loser and saves the planet.
The upcoming Eagle Eye (from what I can tell from the trailer) – starts out as a broke loser and then needs to figure it out quick (I’m guessing in order to save the day)!

We love seeing Shia do this time and time again in movies. Why not give him that kind of arch here? Why not start him off as “Mutt” (shudder) and end him as the TRUE heir of the hat and whip (with an actual name)? Is he even the right actor for this? The way Crystal Skull unfolds, we’ll never know. Here he comes off as completely inadequate. Does he save anyone during the course of the film? Uh… no.

Wait. Rubber snake. Never mind.

I’m going to pause for a second to ask: WHY WAS THE MOTORCYCLE BROUGHT ON THE PLANE!?! DID ANYONE THINK THIS WAS NOT ONLY POINTLESS BUT RIDICULOUS?

Okay. I’m good.

Graveyard Sequence – These warriors have protected the burial site of their ancestors for hundreds of years! But hit them with a shovel and make one swallow a poison dart and they go away for good. Whatever.

Solution – They chase Mutt and Indy into the tomb… but are stopped by something unseen. We actually see them refuse to take one step further out of fear for something terrible happening to them. They are religious protectors of the tomb! And they fear something even greater within the tomb. But our heroes will go for it! Will they ever!

Here’s a big missed opportunity. Especially in continuing to develop Mutt and Indy’s relationship. It’s obvious that Oxley didn’t remove the crystal skull from the tomb… but why? There’s a lot of importance given to the concept of “return” in this part of the script… and the audience is never told why. There should absolutely be a price paid for Indy and Mutt removing the skull… and we know just the price don’t we?

A GIANT TRAP!!!

How awesome would it be if removing the skull, like removing the idol in Raiders, set off a sequence of traps that Indy and Mutt needed to escape together? What a completely missed opportunity to build on themes from the first film without all of the nostalgia gags that already dragged down this script? How great would it be if Mutt asked Indy to throw him the whip, and then DIDN’T betray him? How much would Indy learn from this one moment? How much emotional weight would we have gained on both their parts? Oh man. A guy can dream. This one really hurts.

The Soviet Camp and the Powers of the Crystal Skull – This scene should be called “Liar Liar Pants on Fire”. Everyone is lying to each other. Mac. Spalko. Indy. The lying is out of control. Spalko has the chance to do something terrible here and doesn’t. Oxley is introduced… but we feel nothing.

Solution – Indiana is forced by Spalko’s psychic power of the crystal skull to kill Oxley.

But it doesn’t fully work! How great would this scene have been? Spalko’s not bluffing! She has powers! The skull has powers! Oh crap! Now we see JUST HOW BAD THE SOVIETS WINNING CAN BE! On top of that… we see that Indy is even STRONGER! He fights Spalko’s control but his nose starts to bleed and he begins to choke Oxley. Then he hears Miriam scream in the background and his willpower doubles. He breaks the psychic control and gets to work escaping with the skull, Miriam, Oxley and Mutt. Lots of punches get thrown. Alright. Now we’re rocking.

The Quicksand Sequence – Okay. The Soviets officially suck. While they are Keystone Copping around the jungle, Indy, Miriam and Mutt are YELLING at each other just on the other side of a bush. The exposition is painful and the scene’s lack of action or urgency is even worse. I think this is another missed opportunity for not only laughs, but some action.

Solution – The Soviets are in hot pursuit and Miriam saves Indiana. Oxley and Mutt work to buy them more time. Now you can get just as much exposition if not more between Miriam and Indiana. Plus, you get even more history. You give Oxley and Mutt something to do with possibly comedic results. And of course, the Soviets get to them and capture them. These aren’t the losers we saw in the actual film. They mean business.

The Chase Sequence – One problem: monkeys.

Solution – No monkeys. This sequence wasn’t just bad. It was insulting.

The Fire Ant Fight – Here’s where some story problems really get worse. The crystal skull becomes a cure all problem solver. The heroes can use it to as a cure all without any need to devise a solution themselves. There’s a major difference between Indiana fighting a physically superior opponent against the threat of an exploding plane and a dangerous propeller and Indy fighting a stronger opponent and simply having to sumo with him. First one out of the circle loses… badly.

Solution – King of the hill! How great would it be if the ants were racing Indiana and his opponent up a tree, in a tree or up a small hill? Now the ants work as your ticking clock, adding the same urgency to the fight as the exploding plane in Raiders. On top of that, light the other end of the tree or hill on fire and you’ve got a rock, a hard place and a solution to the ants… if only Indy lives long enough to get to it. As the two ends start to converge on each other… Indy had really better in this fight quick.

The Waterfalls – Really?!? Okay. We can believe them surviving two. But that third one? Uh uh. You just told the audience that your main characters were invincible (and amazing swimmers). If that third waterfall doesn’t kill them, what’s a Ruskie going to do?

Solution – Jump ship! Indy is always jumping out of things that are going over cliffs or headed towards disaster. This boat should be no different. By having he characters work together to avoid being killed, you’ve got yourself a pretty good action sequence. It’s not major, but it’s similar to the mine car and airplane raft landing scenes in Temple of Doom. Add to this, the Soviets in pursuit in their own motor vehicles, firing away at them and things get really stressful for our main characters. Stress = good.

The Race to the Golden Temple – Here’s another creepy and cool sequence completely neutered by the cure-all of the crystal skull. All Oxley does is wave the skull around and the natives WHO HAVE DEFENDED THE TEMPLE FOR CENTURIES start stammering and hanging out in the background like the bad guys in kung fu movies. Well, that was easy! Oh yeah: easy = bad.

On top of this, all of them are killed OFF SCREEN by Spalko’s troops. Wait! You mean this lady actually does something ruthless!?! FINALLY!?! AND WE DON’T EVEN SEE IT!?! Oh man. That’s not good.

Solution – Run faster. And then add Russians. And give the Russians the skull.

Here’s a lesson I learned from Jean Claude Van Damme (among many lessons that I learned from Jean Claude Van Damme). His enemies always had an easier time at achieving their goals than he did. Why? Because they cheated! And he didn’t! He just kicked ass harder! This always made the stakes and tension go way up.

The crystal skull is a giant cheat. I hated how much it was used to solve problems in this movie. But guess what? In my version, Mutt loses it in the first temple. It gets rocked out of his hands by a sling. And they can’t turn back for it. All they can do is race to the golden temple. The Russians though, strolling in after the action and hard work has been done, retrieve the crystal skull. Spalko uses it to manipulate the natives and gain entry into the temple that our heroes have found refuge in (after racing their asses off and doing some puzzle solving to get into).

So now you have the set up for the final act. Spalko has the skull and obvious psychic powers. Our heroes? Well, they’re kind of between her and her goal. And somehow they need to stop her from getting it.

You can put in whatever finale you want. But keep the aliens. I like the aliens. They work for me.

I would also use the final action sequence to resolve the Indiana/Mutt storyline and provide the real passing of the torch. Mutt should come off as a hero and redeem all of his screw-ups in the film. He should also say goodbye to Oxley. Yup. In one final act, poor Oxley eats it. Use your imagination. But make it good, make it heavy and make it meaningful. Like Bruce Willis in Armageddon meaningful. And make sure it buys the three remaining heroes the time needed to get away before the temple buries them and the spaceship “returns” (is that what they were talking about the whole time?).

In the end, Mutt gets a real name and decides to finish school (anyone else wonder where that story thread went?)… but only if Indy makes an honest woman of his mom and stops “running off”. This sets up the wedding and resolves the story completely… or at least until the next adventure looms.