What If “The Expendables” Had An All Female Cast!?!
Sylvester Stallone’s testosterone-soaked actioner “The Expendables” has been immensely successful, capturing the #1 box office spot for two weeks in a row. Anyone who has seen the film can likely attest for the overwhelmingly musky maliness of the affair; Not a frame of film skips by without someone flexing, shooting a gun, blowing something up, punching someone in the face, or, at the very least, going through a bout of mannish Byronic brooding. And, as many have noted, no one has sex with a woman.
The sheer overpowering machismo on display has led me to ponder if the same sort of ’80s action star mash-up can be assembled for the ladies. Surely, I feel, there can be a similar, kick-ass, muscle-flexing explosionfest to feature an all-female cast. If we can spray buckets of testosterone on an audience, can we do the same with estrogen and get the same effect? Can we find a large group of action-driven forty-to-sixtysomething women, and get them to kick some asses? It’s rare that we get films devoted to machisma, and the producers of “The Expendables” my do well to look over this list of talented actresses I have compiled, and consider a remake-cum-sequel.
I will go through “The Expendables,” part by part, and try to come up with female distaff counterparts to all the male roles. I did cast (mostly) along racial lines, and I apologize for that, but this was still fun to contemplate. Play along.
Sylvester Stallone is now…
Sigourney Weaver
Genre pedigree: The “Alien” films, “Copycat,” “Galaxy Quest,” “Avatar.”
Stallone is the leader of the bunch, and has a weary, seen-it-all attitude only matched by his willingness to kick butts and punch chins. While Sigourney Weaver can be charming and even flighty (her comic turn in “The TV Set” is actually really amazing), she is often remembered by teenage boys everywhere as a sweaty, sinewy resolute alien fighter. She has the authority to command a team of tough women, and I could see her behind the wheel of a cobalt-blue cargo plane, barking orders into a headset, while she releases napalm onto an evil Central American private army. If you need a leader, Weaver’s your woman.
Jason Statham is now…
Linda Hamilton
Genre pedigree: “The Terminator,” “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” “Beauty and the Beast,” “Dante’s Peak,” “Hercules.”
Jason Statham plays the second banana. He’s quick-tempered, quick with his fists, and handy with a knife. Just walking down the street, he looks invincible. And yes, all of those qualities can be found in the single female form of Linda Hamilton. It’s hard for any of us who have seen “Terminator 2” to forget her muscled psychopath Sarah Conner, who seemed just as equal to truck driving as she was to firing off enormous guns. Just looking at her, even in her more gentle roles, I get the sense that this is a woman who actually can kill me with a knife.
Jet Li is now…
Michelle Yeoh
Genre pedigree: About 25 martial arts films
Jet Li is silent, enigmatic, but ready to wave his feet at a bad guy’s face. He has a strange camaraderie with his team, but lives in a world of his own. Michelle Yeoh has played all manner of cops, badasses, and fighters, so her fighting chops are certainly up to speed. But more to the point, she actually has that authoritative air that is so rare in kung-fu matrons. Like a particularly difficult college professor, she can be quick and biting, but make you feel like you need to catch up. It’s always a delight to see her fight. I’d love to see her fight with a posse of legends.
Eric Roberts is now…
Kathleen Turner
Villainess pedigree: “Body Heat,” “The Man with Two Brains,” “A Simple Wish,” “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?,” “V.I. Warshawski”
Eric Roberts is an unctuous, smug, sadistic bastard who sells drugs, abuses his underlings, and betrays his country. It takes an actor of a certain strength and attitude to pull off such a slimy role, and I have confidence that sultry ’80s hottie Kathleen Turner, dressed in a power suit, with a $400 haircut, could easily outdo what Roberts brought to the role. She has displayed master bitterness in roles along the way, but is also possessed of a certain experience that would play well into the role’s cynicism and greed. I desperately want to see more of Turner, and here’s a great chance for a toothsome role.
Special thanks to one Richard Ortiz for making this brilliant suggestion.
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin is now…
Grace Jones
Genre pedigree: “Conan the Destroyer,” “Straight to Hell,” “Vamp,” “Deadly Vengeance,” various wicked music videos.
If I were the ruler of an evil drug cartel, and I had a pair of thugs next to me who were intimidating, loyal, and impossible to kill, I’d certainly want either a professional wrestler, or growling muscled badass Grace Jones. Grace Jones has better muscle tone, a more threatening glare, and certainly a lot more masculinity than many of men I know, including myself. She may not have the hulking stature of Steve Austin, but she has the wherewithal to kill with impunity, should the situation call for it. And, to this day, her buttocks are so firm and toned, that they could easily stand as the callipygian Platonic ideal.
Gary Daniels is now…
Zoe Bell
Genre pedigree: “Death Proof,” “Gamer,” “Bitch Slap,” stuntwork on dozens more.
Gary Daniels is a British stunt fighter and would-be leading man that was just introduced to me by fellow Geekscapist William Bibbiani. If there’s a womanly stunt fighter who can kick ass, take names, and still look good in a sports bra, I go immediately to celebrity stunt woman Zoe Bell. Bell has stood in for Lucy Lawless, for Uma Thurman in “Kill Bill,” and dozens of others. She can growl, leaps, throw punches, and looks like she could hold her own in a fight. In “The Expendables,” it took a combination of punching and fire to take down Daniels. Zoe Bell would need about that.
Dolph Lundgren is now…
Juliette Lewis
Genre pedigree: “Natural Born Killers,” “From Dusk Till Dawn,” “Strange Days,” “Kalifornia,” “Cape Fear.”
The role of the dangerous drug addict who betrays his friends, and then turns on the bad guys, nearly went to Demi Moore, but I think the edgy, dangerous, intense performance offered by Juliette Lewis would be far more convincing, far more unsettling, far more punk rock. I can see Lewis slinking into a drug leader’s office with a huge, huge gun over her shoulder, blithely giving the bad guy orders. She can be bitter and wounded well. She may be younger than most of those listed above, but I feel she could easily carry her weight.
Mickey Rourke is now…
Pam Grier
Genre pedigree: “Escape from L.A.,” “Jackie Brown,” “Arena,” numerous blaxploitation movies.
Mickey Rourke has one of those faces that has several lifetimes etched into it. Pam Grier has the same number of lifetime etched into her attitude. She’s been in the business for decades, and, no doubt, has war stories to share. She’s tough, sultry, and can easily play the kind of wounded, jaded wisdom dispenser played by Rourke. I can picture a tattoo needle in her hand. I can picture her bringing home a long string of young men. I can see the others in the crew taking her perfectly seriously.
Terry Crews is now…
Angela Bassett
Genre pedigree: “Strange Days,” “Vampire in Brooklyn,” “Boyz N the Hood,” “Supernova,” “Malcom X,” “What’s Love Got to Do with It?”
Terry Crews was an odd standout in the cast of “The Expendables” in that he was not previously known for action roles, nor was he a stunt player or athlete. He certainly played his part well, but I think his clout could easy be fixed by casting a bigger star. Enter Angela Bassett, one of the most intimidating actresses in Hollywood. She may be able to play mothers and teachers with ease, but I think most of us note her for her steely eye, and undefeatable demeanor. Why do I see her carrying a shoulder-mounted cannon, blasting through a hallway of toughs? It seems all too natural.
Randy Couture is now…
Geena Davis
Genre pedigree: “The Long Kiss Goodnight,” “Cutthroat Island,” “Thelma and Louise.”
Couture wasn’t given too much to do in “The Expendables,” but he did manage to come across as the funny, cautious one with the scar and the warning to his teammates. If there’s a tall, tough woman who can be funny and act well (and Weaver’s already leading the team), then we have to go with Geena Davis. If you’ve seen the largely underrated “The Long Kiss Goodnight,” then you know that Daivs is perfectly capable of being a hard-hitting badass, while delivering funny quips, and gentle warnings. Here’s a good gauge: In “Long Kiss” she manages to out-tough Samuel L. Jackson.
Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger are now…
Tura Satana and Helen Mirren
Genre pedigree: “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!,” and “Excalibur.”
The function of the high-profile cameos in “The Expendables” seemed to be to get some action legends on the screen together for the first time. If there have ever been two legendary kick-ass actresses I’ve wanted to see in the same scene, it would have to be busty Russ Meyer fetish object Tura Satana and classically trained powerhouse Helen Mirren. They both have the panache to kick ass, the wisdom of experienced actresses, and the know-how to be behind-the-scenes manipulators.
But then, there’s no shortage of Hollywood ;egends who would do just as well in the cameo roles. Beverly Garland leaps to mind. As does Jane Fonda. For a bit more camp appeal, let’s cast Lynda Carter. And who wouldn’t geek out at Carrie Fisher?
Indeed, look at the list below, and mix and match your favorite all-girl version of “The Expendables.” It stands as a testimony to how many wonderful, tough, kick-ass actresses there really are in this town.
Demi Moore
Lucy Lawless
Angelina Jolie
Jamie Lee Curtis
Beverly Garland
Shannon Tweed
Julie Strain
Traci Lords
Hilary Swank
Sharon Stone
Lynda Carter
Carrie Fisher
Saffron Burrows
Lucy Liu
Jane Fonda
Witney Seibold is a hardworking theater wonk and talented film writer living in the United States. He has seen more films than you. He has written over 750 reviews in his low-profile career, and continues to do so on his very own, ever-so-slightly-distiguished ‘blog, which can be accessed at http://witneyman.wordpress.com/
