TV IM Reviews: Fringe

Session Start (Anthony : Clark): Tue Sep 09 19:17:17 2008

Clark: What up kid, you reday for this?

Anthony: I’ve never been more reday.

Anthony: Clark and Anthony here, awaiting the start of Fringe, JJ Abram’s new mysterious serial joint. Potentially a rape of Crichton, X-Files, and JJ Abrams, but also potentially fresh, new, interesting, and new.

Clark: We’ll be testing out a new idea.  Insta-review.

Anthony: Insta-AIM-review. The Simpsons have ended. Time for Pacey to save us all.

COLD OPENING

Clark: Ooooh Sexual Situations!!!!

Anthony: Omfg seriously? An airplane? Which island does it crash on? Taking bets.

Clark: I’m hoping for a crazy Island that they’ll call “Dawson’s Creek”

Anthony: I’m not certain, but I think he’s melting.

Anthony: And so are they. People are melting in foreign tongues.

Clark: Okay, I’m hooked for this episode.

Anthony: What an… interesting beginning.

Clark: Cold opening… Winner = JJ

Anthony: Yea, he has a knack for making people go “wtf?” often out loud.

Act 1

Anthony: No iPhone? Wtf agency does SHE work for?

Clark: The quick bra putter onners agency.

Anthony: The bureau of rapid disrobing.

Clark: Whheeeeeeeee!!! Superman Titles!!

Anthony: Yea, neat effect.

Anthony: Kirk Acevedo! “Jesus Christ… fucking twice.”

Anthony: Anyone who’s seen “Band of Brothers” got that reference.

Anthony: What’s your vector victor? (as FBI agents introduce one another awkwardly)

Anthony: Someone needs sensitivity training.

Clark: I never like characters that are dicks for no reason whatsoever.

Anthony: I can’t wait for his origin story.

Anthony: Um, we’re going to have the “I love you too” conversation now?

Clark: You know what this means don’t you?

Anthony: She’s going to get kicked out of the bureau of rapid disrobing for fraternizing with the terrorist?

Clark: Someone is going to DIE!

Anthony: D-E-D Ded.

Clark: Okay, I know from personal experience, picking locks is NEVER that easy.

Clark: HEY a shaved ferret!!!

Anthony: Yea, I hear he was in the makeup chair for hours.

(Explosion takes out Mr. I Love You)

Clark: Yay for us!!

Clark: Totally called it!

Anthony: Good thing she said she loved him when it didn’t matter anymore.

Anthony: Did you see that flash? The one in the white? Looked like the arecibo message?

Clark: We can rebuild her… We have the technology.

Anthony: Ha!

Anthony: Commercial commentary!!!

Clark: What the hell is with Hollywood writers?  Why is it impossible for them to write stories with intrigue and suspense with a character that ISN’T single??? I DESPISE on-again-off-again TV relationships!  Even as much as I despise will-they-wont-they relationships.  It’s so fucking contrived!

Anthony: Because romance is such a simple go-to.

Anthony: I’m also of the mind it’s gotten cheap.

Act 2

Anthony: I need a very specific reason for this guy being a dick, please.

Clark: Thank you!!

Anthony: And the award for frowning overacting goes to: Dude from Lost we have yet to positively identify.

Clark: Whoa! Titles!!

Anthony: Wow! Iraq?! Pacey’s in Iraq.

Anthony: Is that her name? Honey?

Anthony: Honey Dunham?

Anthony: Honey “Sweetheart” Dunham.

Anthony: And the contrived love triangle begins…… NOW.

Clark: JJ hearts exterior airplane shots!

Anthony: Airplanes are to Abrams as spaceships taking off are to Lucas.

Clark: Exactly!

Clark: I love that she survived a giant explosion and the only remaining mark is a small bruise on her forehead.

Anthony: TITLES!

Clark: Okay I’m kinda really digging these titles!

Anthony: Yea, I believe them. They’re something dependable in this crazy mixed up world.

Clark: Arkham Asylum shot!

Anthony: Denethor.

Anthony: is.

Anthony: still.

Anthony: insane.

Clark: I love it when crazy people talk in non-sequitors!

Anthony: Heh, I love it when crazy people talk.

Clark: When I get committed I plan on ONLY talking in non-sequitors.

Clark: Banana’s Have Potassium!!!

Anthony: Milk does my body look fat in these jeans?

Clark: My feet taste like Germans!

Anthony: I had dinner earlier than last night, but later than the night before that.

Anthony: Fear the RAZR

Clark: Oh no he di’en’

Act 3

Anthony: LOL Just a squirt.

Clark: Just a squirt.

Clark: “What should we do with the patient Doctor?  Oh just put him on the blue glowey table.

Anthony: Are the lights to your satisfaction?

Anthony: Yes I squirted once in affirmation. Did you not see it?

Anthony: They’re going to fall in love, and break transparent dude’s heart. Only on “Fringe” you can actually SEE it break.

Clark: I’m not a big fan of the smarmy retorts in this show.

Anthony: I like it better when there are peepee references.

Clark: Me too!!!

Anthony: You’ll see his pee before he goes pee.

Anthony: It’s FRINGE science.

Clark: Hooray for Fringe science!!

Anthony: In related news, Bill Nye the Science Guy’s new show started airing tonight.

Clark: Wait, why does she have to be naked to do this procedure?

Anthony: Because she’s the love interest and the new “it” girl.

Clark: Excellent, let’s make some LSD!

Anthony: Excellent! Let’s make some LSD!

Act 4

Anthony: NEKKED-ish

Clark: Hooray for nakedness!!

Anthony: Remind me again why she has to go in her underwear?

Clark: No clue.

Anthony: She chose the red pill.

Clark: TEASER POSTER!!!!

Anthony: I saw it!

Anthony: Ok, here’s one critique I can level.

Clark: Hit me.

Anthony: Joshua Jackson is not acting. He’s Pacey again. Smarmy, clever, enticing smile, blah blah. Kind of a bad boy, getting in trouble with Big “Eddy” or whatever.

Clark: I never watched that show so I wouldn’t know.  I’m more off put by the bald black guy.  There’s no need for his anger and disrespect.

Clark: I like the crazy guy!

Anthony: Any show that uses the word “squirt” so convincingly is a-ok. Plus, it’s Denethor.

Clark: Exactly.  I mean he’s no Rohirrim, but he’s close enough.

Anthony: Denethor is saving the show for me.

Clark: I like characters that eat sandwiches during critical moments.

Act 5

Anthony: TITLES

Clark: MAN I love those

Anthony: How on earth is that office feng shui

Clark: Build me a giant white office!

Anthony: Worthy of Mordor?

Anthony: Cyberarm!

Clark: Whoa, she’s a cyborg!

Anthony: A clone cyborg! I’m just helping JJ by breeding disinformation.

Clark: Hah! Crazy people love Spongebob!

Anthony: He’s surprisingly profound! $10 says he squirts again.

Clark: Dude, if he squirts again, I’m positively watching episode 2.

Anthony: Closed captioning provided by “Depends”. Depends. For crazy dads at the forefront of Fringe Science.

Clark: Yay for the science montage!!!!

Anthony: Oh sure, NOW you’re a nice guy? Nope. Not contrived at all.

Clark: Blurg!

Anthony: You know what? Let’s have this huge conversation out in the open. It’s not like the info is classified.

Clark: Classified ABOVE top secret.

Anthony: I think the proper term is tippy top secret.

Clark: You know what this show needs?

Anthony: An enema?

Clark: Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. Meanwhile, back at the house of table lights…

Clark: I’m predicting…complications.

Anthony: God I hope so ‘cause then there won’t be a Ricky Retardo love triangle.

Clark: Damn straight.

Anthony: Varicose face.

Act 6

Clark: But…but… he said he loved her!!

Clark: Fix THAT crazy doctor!

Anthony: Tell me you love me! TELL ME!

Clark: “Who are you working for?” Are you kidding me???

Anthony: WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR!?!

Clark: Wow. If only she had an ex-teen heartthrob to fall in love with!

Post Show wrap up

Clark: Okay, well Mr. T, what did you think?  You’re not the biggest JJ fan, what was your opinion of episode one of Fringe?

Anthony: Well, it’s not JJ that I dislike. I think his ideas are excellent and, as long as he’s at the helm, they stay strong. It’s when he abandons projects to work on others (Alias for Lost, Lost for Six Degrees, Six Degrees for Star Trek…. Start Trek for Fringe?) That’s when I loose interest. This one doesn’t start out with quite the bang as Lost or Alias, BUT, the premise seems like it has better legs to stand on.

Anthony: I loved loved loved X-files. And I can see this as being a spiritual successor to it. You?

Clark: Well, I have to say I really loved Alias when it started, but TOTALLY lost interest after it started going crazy.

Anthony: Agreed. I loved loved loved early Alias.

Clark: I love Lost and have officially forgiven the crappy second season. With such a strong third season, I am totally back on the Lost wagon. I think there were a lot of interesting story elements here that I could really get hooked on.

Anthony: Well, the thing I liked was the element that Walt Disney would have called the “plausible impossible”

Clark: Yeah, I totally can get behind that. I officially give Fringe my geek blessing.

Anthony: John Noble, BRILLIANT casting.

Clark: Made the show, in my opinion.

Anthony: Lance Reddick, kind of a throwaway. Kirk Acevedo, always a good bet. Joshua Jackson IS Pacey and I think it’s best to just accept it. Blair Brown, about as creepy as Momma Petrelli. And Anna Torv, as Honey “Sweetheart” Olivia Dunham. Not bad.

Clark: I completely agree with all of that. But, you know what’s the creepiest thing of all???

Anthony: You have a crush on John Noble? 

Clark: Hole in the wall.