‘Transformers 5’ Release Date: Not the Bots We’re Looking For

Transformers 5 should leave no one surprised or excited.

Much like hurricane season, or any other annual destructive force that looms on the horizon, the fifth installment in the visual torment that is the Transformers live action series will soon be upon us. Instead of raving about what new Autobot or Decepticon could be featured, or which star got suckered in for a Metroplex sized paycheck to appear in this schlock fest, the remainder of this article will be used to inform you, the public, what can be done about the impending CGI shit storm headed your way Summer of 2017.

In an interview with Rolling Stone, a comment that’s certainly just a rye comment, director Michael Bay jokes, “I’m doing Transformers… 5, is it?” Let’s holster our rage for just a moment and consider the obvious objective facts; first, these movies lack anything that resembles any effort in regards to narrative. Second, these movies exist to sell merchandize. Third, they will never stop making these films as long as they continue to rake in millions of dollars.

Certainly there are a few diehard consumers of the Transformers live action series who will assert that the cinematic eye gouging that appears on screen is actually a film. For those that like to argue that shit is really gold, please direct yourselves here, here, and here for a counter point that unveils the curtain on the practical joke of a film franchise that refuses to die. Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, It’s time to unanimously concede that this joke has long since worn out it’s… well, it would have had to have been funny in the first place: it was not.

It’s time for Transformers to fold itself back up and remain on the toy shelf where it belongs.

It’s time we the people, the geeks, the nerds start demanding better content. But, and this is the important part, that demand does not come in the form of flame wars on the internet. The only thing that Paramount Pictures will understand is when we stop mindlessly throwing our money into this outhouse of a film franchise expecting it to transform into something better: it will not.

So when you hear any further Transformers movie news from here on out, cover your ears, save your hard earned money, and roll out to any of these alternatives coming to your cinema 2017.

May:

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Star Wars Episode VIII

June:

Kingsmen: The Secret Service 2

Wonder Woman

July:

War for the Planet of the Apes

Spectacular Spider Man