Top Five Worst Movie Subtitles
As I’m writing this, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is about to hit theaters. And, by the time you read this it will have disappointed countless moviegoers across the globe. Am I psychic? Heck no! You don’t have to be Nostradamus to see that any movie combining green dust of doom, wire-fu ninjas, and Marlan Wayans is guaranteed to be a malignant, cinematic afterbirth. To make matters worse, we are forced to deal with G.I. Joe’s awful subtitle. Seriously, “The Rise of Cobra?” This is the best they could come up with? That phrasing fails harder than a night of Carrot Top comedy at the Apollo. *cues rimshot* Try the veal and be sure to tip your waitress…
The following list pays tribute to some other awful movie subtitles of yore. These are the film titles that are bad in their own right, but are made even worse by the addition of a putrid word or two—like Mad Libs if it were run by Hollwyood Studio Executives. So, grab your gear, suit up, and get ready for some listing goodness, because my Cobra is suddenly on the rise.*
*And, by “Cobra” I mean my penis.
Herbie: Fully Loaded
If there ever was a movie subtitle that seems to lend itself to soft-core porn, its gotta be Herbie: Fully Loaded. Amazingly enough, it’s actually a Disney movie—go figure. In this 2005 revamp of the 1968 “classic,” an apathetic populace was treated to another Love Bug adventure starring teen starlet/temporary-lesbian/crack head Lindsay Lohan and that hipster douchebag from the Apple commercials (Justin Long for those of you playing at home).
Now, I’ve only seen parts of Herbie: Fully loaded, but those brief scenes were enough to prove that the movie is equally as idiotic as its short bus subtitle. In the scene where Matt Dillon ends up getting beat up by a vintage Volkswagen, it almost becomes instinctual to bow your head in shame and shake it slowly back and forth. If I were in charge of the marketing department for the film, I would have gone with the depressing, yet more truthful subtitle—Herbie: Where Careers Go To Die.
Step Up 2: The Streets
Remember Step Up? You know, the movie from 2006 where a saintly teen teams up with a dangerous, yet attractive youth from the wrong side of the tracks in order to improve their lives through the power of dance? Remember that? Me neither…but apparently it was so profitable (albeit forgettable) that studio executives felt compelled to release an almost identical sequel one year later. This time, however, audiences were treated with the truly moronic subtitle: “The Streets.” It’s this kind of generation X, jivey B.S. that just screams “I’m edgy in the I shop at Hot-Topic kind of way.” Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to Step on up to the streets. Hey…see what I did there?
FUN FACT: Channing Tatum has starred in both G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and the original Step Up. Personally, I’m just glad to see that he’s really progressing artistically as an actor. *cue fart noise*
Speed 2: Cruise Control
Beyond being one of the worst sequels of all time, Speed 2 also manages to have one of the worst subtitles of all time—Cruise Control. Get it? Because it takes place on a cruise ship, you see? Ha ha! Isn’t that so clever? Hey, see that gun over there? Why don’t you hand it to Daddy. He’s got things that need killin’…
The thing that bugs the most about Speed 2: Cruise Control is the fact that it truly taints (snickers) the greatness of the original. In every respect, the sequel pales in comparison to the original action masterpiece. Say what you want, but the combination of Jeff Daniels, Dennis Hopper, and Keanu Reeves is pretty much cinematic heaven. Because, as we all know, every time Dennis Hopper laughs maniacally an angel gets his wings. Atta boy, Clarence!
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
You’ve got to love a movie franchise that takes the crappy title from the original and makes it into an even crappier subtitle for the sequel. This is the type of advanced Aristolean logic that helped spawn 2004’s Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. Directed by the late Bob Clark and starring Jon “I’ll-appear-in-anything!” Voight, this little cinematic gem had the creative fortitude to take the cheap gimmick found in the Look Who’s Talking series and combine it with Hollywood’s current obsession with superheroes. Hey, if that doesn’t wet your cinematic appetite, then you must be either dead or just have good taste. I don’t know what the seven signs of the apocalypse are, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is one of them. Either that or Zac Efron’s entire career…
Manos: The Hands of Fate
Often called the worst movie of all time, Manos: The Hands of Fate has a rare breed of bad subtitle. Not only is it obtuse, but it’s also completely meaningless. For those of you out there not as smart as me, let me drop some knowledge on ya. You see, “manos” is Spanish for hands. So, when translated, the title actually reads Hands: The Hands of Fate. That kind of repetition is so blatant that even Michael Bay would call it overkill. Not to mention, the term “Hands of Fate” sounds like the type of idiotic spiritual nonsense that is best reserved for Christian rock bands or anything written by George Lucas. Picture this: coming soon to a theater near you—Indiana Jones and the Hands of Fate. Starring Shia Lebeouf. Summer 2013. Makes you shudder, doesn’t it?
Okay, kiddos. That’s it for me this week. I’m sure they’re tons of bad subtitles I missed. Feel free to shout out your own inspired choices at http:www.geekscape.net/forums
…so, I can make fun of them.
Ivan, out.
