Top Five Worst Christmas Movies
If you’re anything like me the Christmas Season is usually defined by blatant consumerism, over-eating, and horrendous office holiday parties filled with several shameful, drunken mistakes. Oh, and it’s also a time when a lot of movies come out. Beyond the usual “awards” fodder that Hollywood shoves down our throats this time of year, there is, of course, the necessary onslaught of “Christmas Films.” And, for every It’s A Wonderful Life and Die Hard, we get a couple of movies that straight out blow.
Happy Holidays, bitches!
Jingle All the Way
Starting off the list is none other than the Schwarzenegger/Sinbad holiday classic Jingle All the Way. This is the perfect movie for all those who saw Kindergarten Cop and then thought to themselves “hmm…how we can make this concept suck more?” Enter Arnold Schwarzeneggar from stage right. Here, he plays an “All-American-Dad” (complete with full Austrian accent) who desperately needs to get his hands on a super popular toy to give to his son before Christmas. Thrown into the mix is about a zillion euphemisms involving the word “cookies” and a Black postal worker—played by Sinbad—who also needs to get his hands on the rare toy. So, when you think about it, in actuality this movie is a well-conceived allegory for racial intolerance in contemporary society.
In all seriousness, I really do have a soft spot for this movie. As much as I trash it, I do simultaneously love it. I insult out of affection—kind of like when you hit your little brother on the shoulder when he’s acting “queer”.
Christmas with the Kranks
Does anybody else find it odd that after a decade of coke binges and countless hazy nights with Tijuana strippers, Tim Allen is only capable of making syrupy sweet Christmas films? I dunno…it just sort of seems a little “contradictory” to me. Then again, I’m old fashioned like that.
Since The Santa Clause is relatively awesome and its sequels are completely forgettable, Christmas with the Kranks earns the distinction of being the worst of the Tim Allen Christmas crap. To clarify, that’s like being the one Waffle House surrounded by a sea of Denny’s. Kranks is loosely based on a comedic novella by John Grisham called “Skipping Christmas” (it’s one of the few books I didn’t just pretend to read). The book’s pretty funny. The movie? Not so much. Besides the awful title change, the whole thing suffers from far too much slapstick comedy—like a Gallagher show, except even more annoying (yeah, I didn’t think it was possible either).
The film’s sole positive point occurs when Jamie Lee Curtis strips down to an ill fitting bikini. Think about that for a second—the movie’s best part occurs when a middle-aged, out of shape, potential hermaphrodite is shown wearing a bikini. So, as you can tell, Christmas with the Kranks is a real winner…
Santa’s Slay
The tagline for this movie is “He’s making a list…pray you’re not be on it.” If that’s not an indication of a real cinematic gem, I don’t know what is (hint: boobs help). Santa’s Slay stars none other than pro-wrestler Goldberg as Santa Claus. It also features a cornucopia of “celebrity” cameos, including but not limited to: Chris Kattan, James Caan, and Fran Drescher. I’m using “cameos” very liberally here. This is the equivalent of a D-List celebrity walking into a crowded small-town restaurant and talking very loudly.
The movie’s plot is pure Gauntlet material—Santa is actually a demon punished by an angel to give out presents and spread holiday cheer. But when the punishment wears off—as you can imagine—shit starts to go down. The result is a collection of awful special effects, ridiculous plot elements, and puns so cheesy that they’d make Schwarzenegger in Batman and Robin blush. The icing on the cake? This movie was produced by none other than Brett “Rush hour” Ratner. Pardon my French, but I’m pretty sure even Brett Ratner thinks Brett Ratner is a douchebag at this point.
Deck the Halls
Every year it seems like Hollywood inevitably churns out the obligatory awful Christmas film. In 2006, we got Deck the Halls—a movie so excruciatingly bad that at some point you’re actually hoping for Eddie Murphy to show up in a fat-suit. The plot is supposedly about two guys competing over who can put up the most Christmas lights. In reality, it becomes an odd celebrity relevance barometer proving that Danny DeVito’s career peaked 10 years ago and that Matthew Broderick looks like the type of creepy man-boy who hangs out at playgrounds holding a large portion of cotton candy. The only thing that could make this movie any worse would be to have Broderick and DeVito get naked at some point…oh…wait…I forgot…it’s got that too. Damn.
Surviving Christmas / Reindeer Games
At the number one spot? None other than a Ben Affleck double-header. Okay…okay…I realize that at this point, making fun of Ben Affleck is almost too easy (I think I’m at a 1 to 3 article to Affleck joke ratio at this point). Nevertheless, it’s just so damn fun. Ben just never lets ya down.
First on the list is Surviving Christmas. You might recall that this is the Christmas movie so bad that the movie studio released it in October. In other words, the Christmas season itself was too embarrassed to be associated with it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this one from start to finish—just bits and pieces here and there. In one scene, I seem to recall James Gandolfini hitting Affleck in the head with a shovel. It’s at this very moment where you can see Gandolfini’s career start to die. I’m also pretty sure this movie gave Christina Applegate cancer.
Finishing out the Affleck double-header is Reindeer Games. This movie has the distinction of being a built in a punch-line to almost anything—just stick “Reindeer Games” at the end of a sentence and it automatically becomes funny. For instance: I heard that your Grandmother died…Reindeer Games. You see, it works on so many levels…
Granted, Reindeer Games isn’t a Christmas movie in the traditional sense of the phrase; but, it takes place in the snow, features characters named Nicholas and Rudolph, and has that moronic title, so I really don’t give a crap about “technicalities” at this point. Regardless, it’s pretty indisputable that Surviving Christmas and Reindeer Games aree collectively the worst Christmas concoction since some idiot decided that fruitcake actually tasted good. Heck, combine the two and you’ll be dead by New Year’s.
Until next time, kids, Happy Listing!
Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. This year he is going to try to keep Christmas from coming to Whoville…
