Top Five Things I Learned at Comic Con 2009

As hard as it is to believe, just a few short days ago I was a Comic Con virgin. I knew nothing of schwag and celebrity panels. As far as I knew, people only dressed up on Halloween and action figures were still strictly for kids.  Well, thanks to my good ole’ buddies at Geekscape, all that has changed. With a Comic-Con 2009 press pass in hand, I tackled this year’s pop culture conference with the hardened voraciousness of a Twilight fan with PMS.

The dust may have settled, and the infamous “Con” maybe over. But, that doesn’t mean we still can’t have a little bit of fun. So, strap in folks and gear up for some listing goodness. It’s top five time—Comic Con style.

Geeks like Free Things
I think it’s pretty well known that people in general like free things. I mean, this is the reason Costco is so damn popular. “Why is that a free sample of low-fat spinach ravioli? It is? Wel then, hand it over, good sir!”

Well, Comic Con takes that desire for free stuff and multiplies it by about a thousand. You see, one of the first things I discovered about the Con is that nerds will wait in line for hours and hours on end for pretty much anything.  And, I do mean anything. Transformers seat cushion? Check. Autograph from dude who played out of focus alien in Star Wars? Check. Limited edition Sailor Moon keychain? Sign those pale motherfuckers up.

With each passing minute, I was continually amazed by people’s desire to attain free crap. Right before my eyes I saw geeks transform into crack addicted raccoons, with full-blown rabies, in order to get their grubby hands on free schwag. Lines would form that stretched across the entire floor. People would wait for hours. Not to mention, nerds would adorn themselves with giant trough-size bags just to hold all this delicious free schwag.

All in all, it was pretty ridiculous. I mean, how could people waste their time on this kind of stuff? What? Oh, these things that I’m holding? These limited edition 9 trading cards? Well, these are completely different.  Seriously, they might be a collector’s item one day… *points to the ceiling* “Hey! What’s that?” *runs away*

Cartoon Porn is Everywhere
You know that feeling you get when you see a fat kid wearing an extra large t-shirt at the community swimming pool? A sort of empty sadness that cripples you with awkwardness? Well, take that feeling and multiply it by 100, because ladies and gentlemen, Comic Con has porn. Anime Porn. Tentacle porn. Hentai. Comixxx. Whatever you freaks are calling it nowadays—it’s there. Granted, I’m not surprised in the least that an audience of men who have probably never seen a real naked woman before might be interested in a little erotic art. I get that. I really do. But I was just amazed by the sheer amount of it. Not to mention how passé everybody is about it. “Oh, that poster over there? Next to the Darth Vader Lego Sculpture? Oh, yeah…that’s just a giant squid fucking an asian teenager. *Yawns* Anybody else in the mood for nachos?

Mila Kunis is Purty
I’ll admit that I walked into Comic Con with an air of superiority. “I’m better than these people,” I thought. With my fancy, schmancy press badge in hand, I strutted proudly onto the main floor, half expecting men dressed in orc costumes to bow before me while chicks in gold bikinis moistened with anticipation. Well, as I quickly found out, as soon as you enter that giant exhibit hall of social inadequacy, you’re just another one of the masses—another schlubby, overweight dude with an unhealthy obsession for Robotech.

My first true whiff of sobering humility came at the panel for Extract—the new movie from writer/director Mike Judd. It’s a spiritual successor to Judge’s cult hit Office Space and features an impressive cast, including Jason Bateman, Ben Affleck, and of course, the lovely Mila Kunis. Now, normally I don’t get excited when it comes to celeb spotting, but something about seeing Ms. Kunis up close and personal caused me to snap. Suddenly, I was just like every other entranced and obsessive fanboy on the floor, looking up at her like some sort of pop culture God. I tried to actually listen to what she was saying, but all I could think about was getting up next to her and starting a tickle fight. She’s just that damn adorable. Oh, dear Ms. Kunis. you’ve stolen my heart. Now, to complete my master plan and earn her love, all I have to do is send her this picture of me without a shirt. That’s bound to impress her into submission. *Rawr*…*Sigh*

Geeks Like to Dress Up
Remember when you were a kid and all you wanted to do was dress up like your favorite super hero? Well, apparently for many attendees at Comic Con, that dream didn’t die at the age of 11. As I walked the main floor and shuttled my way through a sea of people wearing various amalgamations of spandex, leather, and Styrofoam it became clear to me that it’s very much a reality for these people. The costumes range from the impressive (decked out Ghostbusters) to the clever (Marty McFly) to the downright weird (everyone dressed up as some unintelligible manga character). The more I strolled around Comic Con the more characters I saw. Before long, it became almost normal to look up and see Rorschach peeing at the urinal next to you.

Too bad most of the attendees at Comic Con weren’t able to recognize my awesome costume. Apparently, “handsome stud” is just a little too obscure for most people. Cretins…
 


Geeks are Passionate
Okay…okay…I’ll admit that I’ve made the usual jokes. I’ve called the attendees nerds and labeled them as socially awkward. I’ve mocked their desire for free goods and sightings of D-list celebrities. I’ve let my curmudgeon flag truly fly.

But, at the end of the day, I kid out of love. Say what you want about geeks, but it’s truly hard to deny the passion that they have. Where else can you group such a devoted band of people together to celebrate something that is strictly about creative expression and entertainment? Comic Con showed me a landscape of people small and big (at times, very big). People from all over the world. People who like anime porn in the morning and fantasy role playing at night. A true representation of interests, ideas, and nerdy beliefs—a true Geekscape, if you will.

Now that Comic Con has ended and those dressed as Stormtroopers have gone back to their day jobs, I can only reflect on the fun experience I had and the great people I got to spend it with. At the risk of pushing this weekly satirical column into the realm of melodrama, let me just say how happy I am that I got to spend just a few days with the geekiest people on Earth. Now, that being said, let’s all hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

Thanks again to all who made this experience possible. If everything works out, perhaps I’ll get to come back next year. I’m pretty easy to spot—I’m the one with the huge penis.

Until next time, Ivan, out.