Top Five Scary Scenes in Movies Made for Kids
Amidst the cornucopia of cuddly bears and rainbows that makes up the landscape of children’s cinema, there is a dark, seedy underbelly–an assortment of scenes that inexplicably show up in kid-centered fare with the sole purpose of fucking you up. The following list contains the Top Five Scary Scenes in movies that are otherwise meant for a young audience.
Alright…deep breath now…this could be tough…I’m still trying to get over my traumatic first viewing of Ferngully. Save the Rainforest, man!
Nightmare Before Christmas — Oogie Boogie
The Nightmare Before Christmas scared the crap out of me as a kid. Yeah, I know, it’s largely considered a holiday classic by film critics and angst-ridden fourteen year-olds who hate their parents. That still doesn’t change the fact that it’s actually pretty creepy. Maybe it’s the stop motion animation. Maybe it’s the grim sets and imaginative character designs – or, as my last girlfriend suggested, maybe I’m just a huge pussy…
My crippling social phobias aside, the thing in The Nightmare Before Christmas that scared me the most was definitely the character of Oogie Boogie. For some reason, the idea of a bogeyman made out of burlap sacks containing thousands of disgusting bugs and assorted insects made my skin crawl. You know–it’s that cold, uncanny, feeling you get when you see something innately frightening, or right before you have to take a huge dump.
To make matters worse, Disney seems intent on making me relive my childhood horror over and over each year. In what has become a holiday tradition, The Nightmare Before Christmas keeps coming back to theaters every holiday season, sometimes even in 3D. Whenever my friends suggest that I go with them to see it, I slowly point to the sky and yell “WHAT’S THAT!” When their heads are turned, I stealthily prance out of sight. I’m a master of deception, you see…
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom — Everything
Yeah, I realize that this might not technically be considered a “kids movie,” but I’m guessing that if you grew up in the 80s and 90s that a certain Dr. Jones was a permanent fixture in your VCR (or Betamax, if your family sucked). After all, what’s a better choice for unintentionally scary movie than the film that literally invented the PG-13 rating?
Little history lesson for ya: Before Temple of Doom the MPAA’s rating system made a comically ridiculous jump from PG to R. Well, a man by the name of Steven Spielberg set out to change all of that nonsense with his second Indiana Jones film. To call this sucker disturbing is like saying that Kirsten Dunst is only slightly hideous–it’s such a gross understatement that it borders on being a flat out lie [Editor’s Note: Kirsten Dunst is a beautiful woman. Suck it, Ivan!]. Frankly, Temple of Doom is just plain messed up. I would point out one scene in particular, but this thing just keeps the terror coming: Dudes eating monkey brains and snakes, guy ripping out people’s hearts, child slave labor, people drinking mystical blood…it’s sort of like Mickey Rourke’s life five years ago. The lava pit in the temple still gives me the willies, what with Mola Ram’s freaky chanting and that weird hindu mind control. As a dying Mister Kurtz would say, “The Horror…The Horror…”
Pee Wee’s Big Adventure — Large Marge
If you need proof that Tim Burton is a complete nutbar, I suggest watching the infamous “Large Marge” trucker scene in Pee Wee’s Big adventure. Precisely one shot–that’s all this movie needs to transition from harmless family flick to the most terrifying thing on the face of the planet. Seriously, Mr. Burton, was it necessary to give me nightmares for the entirety of my childhood? Large Marge’s “face” continues to haunt me even today.
In fact, I don’t want to think about it any more. I’d rather ponder more interesting Tim Burton related enigmas. For instance, how did he manage to land the hot piece of tail that is Helena Bonham Carter? I mean, that just doesn’t make any sense. Is it mind control? Blackmail? Drugs? Yeah, my money’s on mind control. Really, it’s the only logical explanation…
E.T. — Guys in Bio-Suits
E.T. joins The Nightmare Before Christmas on the list of movies that inexplicably scared the crap out of me as a kid. It might be tough for some to admit, but I don’t think I’m necessarily alone on this one. Often, E.T. is heralded as a Steven Spielberg masterwork–a profound milestone in the career of a visionary directory. Now, I’m usually not one to argue with those smarter than myself (all three of you), but I gotta say that this movie just creeps me out. Contrary to popular opinion, E.T. is not cute. As far as fictional movie puppet aliens go, Yoda is cute. E.T. on the other-hand looks like a disturbing cross between Nicole Ritchie and those fetal pigs you used to have to dissect in biology class.
Surprisingly, the part that gave me the most trouble as a kid occurs towards the end when all the government agents take over the Elliott’s house. Seeing all those freakish scientists in their creepy hazmat suits had me shaking in my footsie pajamas. E.T: The Extra Terrestrial? More like E.T: The Extra-TERROR-estrial. Am I right? High five? Anyone?
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory — The Psychedelic Boat Ride
Growing up, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was easily one of my favorite movies. It was on constant repeat along with other cinematic gems such as the Sandlot and 3 Ninjas. When one particular scene came up, though, I’d always make a mad dash for the fast forward button. That’s right…you know what I’m talking about…the most infamous scene of them all: a certain bizarre trip down a certain chocolate river. And, no, I’m not talking about your friend Lance’s Saturday night…
Willy Wonka’s Psychedelic boat ride of doom is without a doubt the scariest moment in a movie made for kids. What group of sick sum’a bitches thought that it was a good idea to just randomly throw in an LCD infused freakout right in the middle of this movie? Before that scene, it’s all gum drops, chocolate, and orange skinned midgets. Then, BAM! Out of nowhere things take a very dark turn. You’ve got snakes, bugs, rodents, Gene Wilder’s unnerving chant. It’s the type of creep-level that’s on par with Dateline’s To Catch A Predator or even Gilmore. Sure, it starts out with innocent online conversations and phone calls; but, before you know it, there’s some middle-aged dude from Alabama in your house reaching for your privates and twisting the cap off a wine cooler. Uncle Josh, shame on you!
Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He stole this top five idea from a Geekscape forum topic. He’s creative like that…
