Top Five Reasons Movies Suck
This weekend, I decided get out of the house, put on some pants, and check out what was playing at the local cinema. And, guess what? I went home without seeing a damn thing. There I was—staring at the glowing marquee for a full ten minutes—struggling to find a reason to see Pandorum or Surrogates or Sorority Row or Fame…and I just couldn’t muster the strength to fork over a crisp Hamilton for a ticket. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m saying it outright: movies officially suck. Hard.
As I went home disappointed, preparing to cry myself to sleep, I began to ponder this very simple question. Why exactly do movies nowadays suck? Granted, this is a garbage time of year for movies anyway, but I still think it’s a query worth examining. So, after doing a lot of painstaking research (i.e. opening up word and starting to type things), I’ve compiled a list. Here it is, folks—the thing those fat cats in Hollywood don’t want you to see: the Top Five Reasons Movies Suck.
Movies Are Too Long (A.K.A. Holy, hell, Transformers was almost three hours?)
Unlike male genitalia, when it comes to movies, length is not always a good thing. There’s an unfortunate trend with Hollywood blockbusters these days–it seems that every big budget extravaganza worth its salt thinks it needs to be incredibly long in order to satisfy movie audiences. Was there a reason all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies needed to roughly be the length of a Jerry Lewis telethon? Why did Transformers 2 need to clock in at 150 minutes?
If you’re struggling to find an answer to these questions, let me tell ya, there isn’t one. Masking a weak story with overlong action sequences and special effects is like placing a flower on a pile of dog crap. At the end of the day, it still looks and smells like sh-t. Movies need to be less concerned about keeping theatergoers in seats and more concerned with a smart story that’s tightly written. Some large exceptions not withstanding, most movie stories can be told in two hours. Period. Not to mention, shorter movies will allow theaters to have more showings witch will increase ticket sales. It’s win, win people…
Audiences Are Too Jaded
To put it simply, we’re damn hard to impress. Think about it–fifteen years ago, we were amazed when Spielberg was able to make dinosaurs come to life. Nowadays, transforming alien cyborgs could be attacking fighter-jets while underwater, and we’d hardly bat an eye. CGI has made anything possible, and in turn, we as audiences have indeed come to expect anything. The internet hasn’t helped things either…spoilers are rampant, trailers give way too much away. Heck, we read leaked scripts and devour hacked on set pictures like hungry meth addicts. I mean, when you think about it, how can movies not suck? After we’ve taking the enjoyment out of them—tarnished the mystery and magic with constant saturation, twitter updates, and media campaigns, there is no way they can satisfy us viscerally.
This point ties in perfectly with the movies are too long bullet point (I am the master of the segue). As movie prices and our expectations rise, movie makers are under constant pressure to “deliver.” When story and concept fall short, they attempt to pad the movie to make us feel like we’ve got our money’s worth. And, that’s how when you suddenly find yourself watching three hours of Megan Fox and Shia Lebeouf running in slow motion.
Hollywood Has No Idea What We Like
Movie studios spend millions annually on focus groups and polling. They pay highly-educated statistic gurus to track demographic and pop-culture trends. And, they still have no idea what we like. Though few would probably admit it, movie success is largely a guessing game. Studio executives blindly stumble around for profitable movie projects like Helen Keller at a dinner party. Even if a movie is well-made, it can still fail at the box office due to bad advertising, lack of buzz, or bad weekend timing. In turn, Hollywood suits are constantly seeking out “sure bets”—properties that are guaranteed to make money. Problem is, however, often familiarity is confused with profitability. Studios are in love with familiarity—as films like G.I. Joe contest, they’ve raped our childhood nostalgia handily over the last decade. And, the well is starting to run dry.
You know the situation is dire when films based on Monopoly or Bazooka Joe are actually starting to sound like good ideas (trust me, fellas’, they’re not). Hollywood’s fear of failing compels them to return to familiar franchises, remakes, and recognizable characters in order to make an easy buck. All of this can be summed up quite simply with my earlier statement: Hollywood has no idea what we like. This, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is a large reason why movies suck.
Good Movies Are Made to Win Best Picture, Not to Entertain
I hate the Oscars. I do. I hate the singing. I hate the dancing. I hate the inane sketches and interminable acceptance speeches. It’s because of this annual awards ceremony/circle jerk that movie distributors fund flicks that have a better chance of winning a golden statue than less Oscar-friendly fare. Now, that’s all well and good for the latest star-packed vehicle involving the holocaust and/or a retarded person, but it severely limits the chances of a whole subset of movies to get adequate support and promotion. Comedies, thrillers, and family films usually get chucked to the wind.
I’m not saying that it’s impossible for movies of these genres to break through La La Land’s award centric system, but it does make things harder. And, if you believe the newly coined “10 best picture nominees system” will help matters in this department, think again, slugger. Just get ready for five more “independent” films featuring hot actresses putting on their “ugly” makeup (bonus points if it involves genocide).
There is No Incentive to Make Movies Good
It’s no secret that Hollywood is a business. And, as good ole’ Lt. Aldo Raine would say, “Business, it’s a boomin’.” People love going to the movies. They always will (remember when everyone said VHS would kill the theater. Well, newsflash, Circuit City salesmen circa 1992…it didn’t). In may be hard for movie snobs such as myself to admit, but a film doesn’t have to be good in order to be profitable. The success of Norbit alone proves this—as well as being a definitive sign of the apocalypse. A wise man once told me (i.e. some Dude at the 7-11), as long as things continue to make money, they’ll continue to be produced.
Pretentious hipsters in coffee houses across the country constantly bemoan uneducated Americans as the reason bad movies perform strong at the box office. But, at some level, you have to blame the movie studios themselves. They’ve conditioned us to like bad movies, making it harder and harder to see good flicks while giving bad movies large releases. To use a crude metaphor, if you give a guy a choice between Filet Mignon or easy cheese, he’ll probably choose the Filet. But, if you keep on feeding him easy cheese, he’ll eventually just get used to the easy cheese. I don’t know where I was going with this…but I think I just gave myself a craving for Filet Mignon covered in easy cheese. To put it simply, if we keep paying to see crap, Hollywood will keep giving us crap. Simple.
Okay, that’s enough soap boxing from me this week. Tune in next time when I tone down the big words and actually wrestle a tiger with my bare hands. It’s guaranteed to be an exotic and thrill-packed adventure filled with danger and sexy imagery. Rawr!
Ivan, out.
