Top Five Reasons 2010 Will Suck
So, it’s mid-January in this brand-spanking New Year and I can already tell things are going to suck. Call me a pessimist, but so far things ain’t looking too good for 2010. First, I find out that my beloved Conan O’Brien is being sacked from the Tonight Show to be replaced by a guy who should have retired years ago. Then, [serious] the country of Haiti is violently and gruesomely shocked to its core with a horrendous national disaster [/serious]. Oh yeah, and Massachussets elects their first Republican senator in over 30 years…What the F, 2010? I mean, we’ve only been going out a few weeks and you’re already turning into that clingy, bitchy girlfriend who forces me to buy tampons for her at the grocery store. But I digress…onward with the listing!
Your Dad is Going to Join Twitter
That is…if he hasn’t already. Nothing makes things any less cool than when your parents find out about them—hence why Facebook went from a cool inside-joke amongst college kids to it’s current cluster-f state of pointless status updates and interminable notifications about Mafia Wars.
As Twitter continues to rise into the stratosphere of the social networking realm, more and more people will continue to “tweet” and “retweet” or whatever the hell else the kids are doing nowadays. Regardless, pretty soon it’s just going to become yet another way for mega-corporations to sell you crap. This year, you can look forward to several business meetings with corporate big-wigs explaining things like “web 2.0” and how it’s necessary to tap into the “youth market.” Then, you can proceed to stab yourself in the face.
To be fair, I understand Twitter’s appeal, but for some reason its success just happens to irk me (just like seeing people wear Crocs). The very concept of reducing funny, literate blog posts with misspelled blurbs consisting of 140 characters sort of makes me want to club a seal.
Douche is the New Cool
Continuing to steamroll off the success of MTV’s Jersey Shore (i.e. Francis Ford Coppola’s Jersey Shore), Douchebags everywhere are continuing to ride a cresting wave of popularity straight into 2010. Although the “geek is the new cool” movement was making significant strides in 2009, Douchbaggery has officially trumped that pop-culture phase with a proliferation of Jägerbombs and hair gel.
In the New Year, look for several TV shows and movies to target this coveted “asshole” demographic. It’s yet another potent reminder of why 2012, is probably more likely to happen than we originally thought.
Kick Ass Will be a Financial Failure
Call me Nostradamus, but I’m going out on a limb here and saying that Matthew Vaughn’s Kick Ass (hitting theaters in April) will be a commercial failure. Granted, I could be very wrong. Heck, I HOPE I’m very wrong, but I got a sick little feeling that I’m not. Why does this suck so bad? Well, to put it bluntly, Kick Ass is a film that is a total anomaly—it’s a comic book adaptation that was made in spite of the big studio system, not because of it. It appears that Vaughn took Mark Millar’s raunchy funny book and faithfully brought its tone and style to the big screen. Plus, it has Nick Cage wearing eyeliner and a ten-year-old girl who says c-nt a lot.
If this movie succeeds, it could open the door to a lot of other movies that once appeared too “risqué” or “oddball” to find an audience with us dumb Americans. Too bad, it’s gonna fail. Get ready for a lot more Wolverine: X-Men Origins before we get more fresh and smart capes and cowl material.
*puts on pessimist hat and hides in the corner*
300 Will Still Be Fun to Copy
For a movie that came out in 2006, it’s amazing how big movie studios in LaLa land continue to freeload off Zach Snyder’s “This is Sparta!” gravy train. With the upcoming Starz original series “Spartacus” and the Linkin-Park, Dorritos extreme infused Clash of the Titans (Grrr…football!), it seems that Hollywood’s fixation with sword and sandals epics isn’t dying anytime soon. Apparently, in ancient Rome people stood in front of a lot of green screens.
Essentially, I’m pointing out the all too obvious point that Hollywood isn’t original. Because let’s face it—originality doesn’t sell, baby! Scantily clad women, however, do.
3-D Ain’t Going Anywhere
*le sigh*
With the unparalleled (and slightly incomprehensible) success of Avatar, one thing is sure: 3-D is back and here to stay. What was once a technology viewed as an unnecessary gimmick has now grown to become…wait for it….a slightly updated unnecessary gimmick.
I don’t get 3-D—never have, never will. But, that’s not going to stop its proliferation into the entertainment market. Beyond slapping it on every major “event” movie in the next few years, we’re soon going start to see 3-D televisions at your local electronics store. I mean, imagine watching sports in…3-D! I’m aroused just thinking about it!
Conveniently, of course, this will now allow entertainment companies to charge a few bucks more for all their products. Also, in the future expect to see the repeated use of the phrase “game changer” along with an unnecessary amount of Papyrus typography.
Join me next time, kids, when I reveal why 2010 will be totally awesome. I’m fickle like that.
