Top Five Promising Actors Who Went Nowhere*

Yeah, I know, that’s a verbose article title, but quite frankly I couldn’t think of a better way to say it. And, I’m too lazy to try and to reconfigure it into a more pithy statement. Here’s the dealio, kiddos—this Top Five is all about those actors who seemed to have it all made, and then with the flip of a coin (or a severe drug habit), they either never quite reached their potential or dropped off the face of the Earth. Think Mickey Rourke, prior to his recent resurgence and attention due to the Wrestler and you’ve got a good idea where I’m coming from. Let the delightful listing of falls from grace commence!

Patrick Renna AKA, that fat kid from the Sandlot
I can already tell that this choice is gonna piss people off. “Who’s Patrick Renna?” they’ll say. “Gosh, Ivan you’re such a cinematic idiot noob! P.S. Your sister is hot.”

Well, you belligerent naysayers, know this—Patrick Renna was THE go-to fat kid actor in the early nineties. You needed a chubby, cherubic source of comic relief in your kid’s movie? You turned to Renna. He appeared in the Son in Law, the Big Green, and of course, the mother of all kid’s movies, The Sandlot. For those who grew up in my generation, the Sandlot was like a religious experience. So, needless to say it appeared as if Renna was off to a good start. He was popular and recognizable—like Macaulay Culkin, except without a cocaine habit and the creepy relationship with Michael Jackson.

Unfortunately, as is the case with so many child actors, Renna succumbed to the laws of nature and “grew up.” Turns out being fat and having adorable squishy, puffy cheeks is only appealing when you’re under ten years old. The rest of the story is typical Hollywood fare. He went on to appear in bad commercials and eventually became a scientologist. I’m banking on either Jonah Hill (or Ben Dunn) to play him in the biopic. It’s sad really…Mr. Renna once had potential and a good on-screen presence when compared to similar child actor ilk.  Nevertheless, he became the red-headed stepchild we always knew that he was. Further proof that you can’t fight nature, ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

Geena Davis
Small factoid for ya—when I was growing up I loved the movie A League of their Own. Perhaps it’s because I’m a big baseball fan or maybe I’m just really gay. Regardless, that movie is awesome. It also happens to star Geena Davis—that red-headed tall drink of water who was all over the movie scene in the eighties and early nineties. I mean, c’mon, starring turns in both Thelma and Lousie and The Fly? That’s pretty notable. Regardless, it seems Ms. Davis’s shining star began to dim around 1995 with the release of Cuthroat Island—a pirate movie almost as incomprehensible and poorly plotted as the entire Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. Sure, she appeared in some notable TV failures since (the aptly titled “The Geena Davis Show and “Commander In Chief”), but she never did manage to capitalize on her initial fame. It’s sort of sad how time leaves celebrities withering in its cold wake. Geena Davis used to be the hot tall red-head. Now, she just looks old, fat, and like she possibly has a penis.

Malcolm McDowell
Okay…Okay…Malcolm McDowell is relatively famous. I know that. But, when he first busted on to the scene in 1974 people were practically crapping themselves. His iconic big time debut in Clockwork Orange is often heralded is one of the greatest performances in one of the greatest movies of all time. He followed this up with an acclaimed showing in the movie O Lucky Man. It was all going peachy for McDowell until he made the ill-advised decision to star in a small little movie called Caligula. Word to wise, folks—if you want a successful career, try to avoid starring in erotic epics that take place in ancient times. Don’t believe me? Check out the glorious Oliver Stone directed ditty entitled Alexander. It’s somewhere in the bargain bin at your local Wal-Mart. Trust me.

Maybe it’s just my own crazy view of things, but it seems that my boy Malcolm just couldn’t recover from that fatal encounter with on-screen Roman love. Sure, he’s been working consistently since then, but he never managed to recapture the same level of panache he had initially. Back in the day, when you heard the name Malcolm McDowell you thought “talented and daring thespian.” Mention his name now and you just hear fart noises.

Robert Patrick
The T-1000. That’s really all that really needs to be said. When Terminator 2: Judgment Day came out, I remember Robert Patrick got some substantial buzz. People were already calling him out to be the next go-to action star in the vein of Bruce Willis and Mel “Sugar-Tits” Gibson. Well, as it turns out, playing a robot on screen isn’t necessarily the best showcase for someone’s acting ability. Sure he was cool as the stoic shape shifter, but the roles never really progressed from there. After the initial collective circle jerk from the Hollywood hype machine, Patrick’s roles became like a fruitful sampling of what appears on Cinemax at 3 o’clock in the morning (i.e. something with both boobs and ninjas in it).

Robert Patrick’s story can easily be compared to other hyped action stars who never really amounted to much. In fact, this spot on the list is like a shout out to the Dolph Lundgren’s and Christian Slater’s of the world.  Their lights dimmed before they even had a chance to really shine. Such stories may be tragic, but they do prove one very important thing: Boobs and Ninjas are a lethal combination.

The Entire Cast of the Breakfast Club
Hear me out on this one folks, but I think I’ve discovered a monumental conspiracy. The Breakfast Club may seem like an ordinary movie, but really it was a sly plot by Hollywood fat cats to eventually destroy the careers of all its lead actors. Let’s looks at the facts. Judd Nelson? Went on to appearances in a TV movie entitled “Cyber Mutt” and a starring turn in the Shaquille O’Neal classic, Steel. Molly Ringwald? Following her clout as a teen starlet, she faded into grown-up obscurity. Often used as the punch line for jokes in articles very much like these. Emilio Estevez? Became the Mighty Duck Man, also dealt with continuous questions concerning the reasons why his last name isn’t “Sheen.” Ally Sheedy? Lots of bad TV work and a brief cameo appearance in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Anthony Michael Hall? Became Anthony Michael Hall.

So, there you have it, ladies and germs. The entire cast of the Breakfast Club started with such high hopes, and then dissolved slowly into the night. This just proves that starring in a John Hughes movie might just be the catalyst for your demise. I mean do you even remember what Jim Belushi did after Curly Sue? Uh…huh. Didn’t think so.

Later, kiddos. Ivan out.