Top Five Movies to Watch When Hungover
Because I’m a blatant media whore who enjoys plugging movies in hope that studio heads might give me free stuff, I thought it would be a good idea to list the top five movies to watch when hungover, in honor of Warner Brother’s recent release [hee…hee….“release.” -Ed. ) of The Hangover. So, lay on your couch, pull down the shades, and just keep telling yourself that you didn’t make out with that chubby girl from College Park last night, it’s time to thrive on some good ole’ fashioned cinematic therapy.
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
Mindless comedy always works best when hungover, and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (not that abortion posing a sequel) fits the bill nicely. Harold and Kumar has just the right mix of funny gags, quick pacing, and idiosyncratic characters to make you almost forget the fact that your mouth tastes like an ashtray. Plus, the plot is so simple and easy to follow that you can run to the bathroom to puke and still manage to come back and understand everything that’s going on. The addition of Malin Ackerman’s boobs is also an abstract, but oddly dignified touch. If there’s anything that’s capable of distracting you from the hazards of former intoxication, it’s most definitely gratuitous nudity…that or Neil Patrick Harris. So, next time you find yourself with a horrendous case of the hangover blues, pop some Harold and Kumar into the DVD player and enjoy the ride. Heck, by the time the credits roll you might even be hungry for some actual White Castle hamburgers—then again—maybe not.
Jurassic Park
The reason for Jurassic Park’s inclusion on this list may be more personal than the rest. But, considering this is my top five, I’m forcing it on you like an overbearing father forces peewee football on his gay son. You see, back when I was a youngster who had yet to formulate such a sarcastic and negative view of the world, Jurassic Park may just have been my favorite movie. If I was ever feeling down I’d pop this baby in the ole’ VCR and relish in an astonishing adventure complete with CGI dinosaurs and Sam Neil. In turn, what better way to get over the pains of a hangover than with fond memories of what just may be the greatest summer blockbuster of all time? (yeah, I said it) Heck, Jurassic Park is so great that I suggest viewing it anytime you’re feeling lonely, depressed, or even suicidal. Or, other words, a time I like to call “Saturday Night.”
The Goonies
Sometimes when you’re hungover it helps to regress to a childlike and innocent time when alcohol was nothing more than a distant twinkle in your bright eyes. That’s where The Goonies comes in. Few movies represent your carefree youth better than this seminal 80’s classic. As you’re struggling to maintain mental clarity through pounding headaches and the pervasive taste of mucus on your tongue, remind yourself fondly of an era when children’s movies didn’t feature fat mall cops riding segways, talking guinea pigs, or Brendan Fraser. It’s common knowledge that Goonies never say die, and by watching this movie you’ll feel the desire to live all over again! (Zing! Leno writers, call me!)
The Rocky Series
Rocky is the only movie that could possibly inspire you to do pushups while you’re still hungover. As you watch the Italian Stallion montage his way through big fight after big fight it’s hard not to begin to feel a little pumped up. Plus, it’s common knowledge that the Rocky musical theme is therapeutic—sort of like those mineral baths that rich white people would take back in the 1800’s. Listen to Gonna Fly Now a few times and you’ll be convinced that blind man can see and that you’re actually attractive enough to be banging supermodels. Seriously, I could be promoting world peace while standing next Mahatma Gandhi himself, and if the Rocky score began to play, I’d immediately have the urge to start punching crap and breaking stuff with my head.
In terms of proper hangover recover technique, it actually helps if you start with Rocky V and work backgrounds—that way, as you start to feel better throughout the day, the plot’s actually begin to go from completely ridiculous to Oscar caliber material. Special props if you end up watching Rocky III—nothing cures a hangover faster than watching Sylvester Stallone and Carl Weathers dance around in a frothy beach like in a gay porn movie. *Snaps spandex jumpsuit* Surfs up, gentlemen.
Under Siege
Before he became a punch line, before he started the ill-advised country music career, before he startled spouting self-help aphorisms like a retarded Confucius, Steven Seagall was an action legend. Mr. Seagal’s special breed of ponytail infused ass-kickery reached its pinnacle with 1992’s Under Siege. Yes, Under Siege—the film that made boats cool long before Andy Samberg and overplayed viral videos existed. This movie has it all for the hangover: easy to follow action scenes (i.e. non of this Bourne Identity shaky cam crap), minimal dialogue, a stripper that pops out of a cake, and a Tommy Lee Jones knife fight. Plus, Seagal plays a cook, so as you watch the movie you actually begin to believe that perhaps Mr. Casey Ryback himself will roundhouse kick out of the television and whip you up some sort of miraculous hangover elixir.
Unfortunately, these same words of praise can not be given to Segal’s ill-advised 1995 follow up—Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. It’s different because it’s on a train, you see.
Until next week, sleep tight and stay away from the sauce…
