Top Five Movies to Never Watch with Your Parents

I think we’ve all been there. You’re visiting your parents (or, more likely, you still live with them). You’re all sitting on the couch, watching television instead of actively communicating (like any good family would). When, suddenly, an unexpected piece of programming flickers on the ‘ole telly—it’s the dreaded onscreen sex scene. Nothing is more uncomfortable than watching a bit of risqué programming with the parental units (unless you grew up in some weird hippie commune without rules and personal hygiene). So, as a public service to all my fellow cinephiles out there, I present to you a list of the top five movies you never want to be watching with dear old Mom and Dad (Side note: porno doesn’t count for this list. Let’s face it…if you didn’t realize that porno should never be watched in the presence of your family, well…uh…you need more help than I can provide).

Spanking the Monkey
This one could make the list by title alone. Spanking the Monkey? Hello! Immediate parental red flag. But, oddly enough it’s not the title nor is it nudity/sex that makes this movie unwatchable with the ‘rents. Quite frankly, this movie is about incest—more specifically it’s about a college kid who wants to donk his Mom. Try not squirming through that plotline while you’re sitting right next to your parents. Plus, it’s directed by David O. Russell—the renowned douchebag who got in a fight with George Clooney when filming Three Kings and dropped the c-bomb on Lily Tomlin on the set of I Heart Huckabees. So, not only is it edgy and independent (two buzz words that should never involve both parents and movies), but it also has the distinction of being shot by a complete a-hole. That’s a definite parental pass…

Shortbus
Remember when I said that porno didn’t count for this? Well, this movie is about as close as you can get to porno without being porno (and no, it doesn’t involve Shannon Tweed). Written and directed by John Cameron Mitchell—the indie darling behind Hedwig and the Angry Inch—Shortbus depicts real people having real sex on screen.  Yes, you read that correctly—real sex. No prosthetics. No weird cutaways to someone else’s ass. No unnatural post-coital sheet holding to cover up the naughty bits. This is as real and authentic as my crippling social deformities. And, top it off, it’s not limited to just heterosexual sex either. You’ve got guy-on-guy. Girl-on-girl. Girl-on-guy-on-girl. I’m pretty sure I even saw a monkey humping a Chihuahua at some point. Not to mention, the discovery of sexual positions I didn’t even know existed.  Any ladies out there interested in trying the reverse-Houdini-cowgirl-Chupacabra? Uh…anyone?

Eyes Wide Shut
There are some who say that Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut is a cinematic masterpiece— a long, intricate movie that’s gorgeously shot and profoundly develops subjects such as infidelity, the illusion of truth, and the weakness of human willpower. Well, basically all that artistic mumbo jumbo is trumped by the following three-word phrase: 20 minute orgy. ‘Nuff said.

Crash
Before you get all pissy, let me make one thing clear—this is not the 2006 Oscar winner written and directed by Paul Haggis, starring a bunch of pretty actors who are somehow bonded by the cliché ramifications of racism. No, instead this is the 1996 movie directed by David Cronenburg about people fucking after getting into car crashes. Seriously. That’s the plot synopsis. I’m not kidding. Really, folks…you just can’t make this stuff up…

Apparently, the movie is supposed to provide an introspective look into the volatile but interconnected nature of violence and sexuality in our modern, emotionally detached society. But, try explaining that to your Mom when James Spader and Holly Hunter are violently going at it in a totaled Chevy Hatchback. That go over well, professor? Yeah…I didn’t think so…

History of Violence
Sex? Check! Violence? Check! Violent Sex? Check and check.  This movie is the double-whammy, super-size-me, Venti-triple-shot of cinematic parental no-nos. Sure some movies have more violence and some have more sex, but this movie hits ya where it hurts. Viggo Mortensen plays a small town, Average-Joe family man who runs a diner. It’s all fun and games until mysterious men with black suits and creepy glass eyes show up to spoil the party. Surprise, Viggo! You’re actually an extremely violent guy, with a shady criminal past. From then on out, it’s a shotgun-to-the-head, blood-spattering, child-killing, sixty-nining good time.

But, the true reason why this film snags the number one spot occurs right before the third act. After finding out that her husband is a ruthless killer, Maria Bello’s character confronts Mortensen. The resulting interaction provides the grand-daddy of them all—a violent sex/rape/fight scene that goes on until the end of time (hyperbole!). Seriously, this thing just keeps going and going. When I saw this film in the theater, I actually checked my watch. Twice. The very thought of experiencing that while sitting next to my parents makes me shudder

Well, there you have it—the top five movies that should never be glimpsed in the same vicinity as your parents. In fact, I wouldn’t even watch these movies on the same block as my parents.  As a final tidbit, did you notice that David Cronenburg films made both the number 2 and 1 spot? Basically this proves one simple thing: Cronenburg hates you and your family (and probably your puppy too).  Yup, that’s right… he’s still pissed that nobody watched Existenz.

Until next time, happy listing…

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He also likes pie.