Top Five Movies to Cautiously Anticipate in 2009
Rise and shine, ladies and gents–a new year is upon us! As we prepare to once again make lofty resolutions that we have no chance in hell of keeping, I suggest we turn to the exciting future of the local cineplex. The following movies are the ones you should be jonesing for the most (complete with reasons why they will probably be immensely disappointing). As a sidenote, you may notice that I left off G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Why? Well, I pretty much know that one’s gonna suck…
Moving on…
Inglourious Basterds
The Gist:
This summer, Quentin Tarantino returns to the world of big boy directing with his next feature. The story? A group of Jewish soldiers are chosen specifically to strike fear throughout the Third Reich by scalping and brutally killing Nazis. After a year full of plastering his name on straight to DVD schlock and a foray into grindhouse cinema, it gets good to see Tarantino back to what he does best—making very violent movies that are also somehow “artistic.”
Why it will be awesome:
Quentin Tarantino does a World War II movie? Starring Brad Pitt? Sign me up. Think of the amazing visuals! The snappy dialog! The stylistic violence! The last time I saw a group of Jews this angry and unruly was in line at a sold-out Barbara Streisand concert. *cues rimshot*
Why it will suck:
I’m pretty sure that at this point Quentin Tarantino is so hopped up on coke and other hallucinogenic drugs that his conception of reality and quality has gone the way of the Dodo. Does anybody else remember Death Proof? That was potentially the most mind numbing 90 minutes I’ve spent in a theater since the time I “accidentally” saw Norbit. The casting has also caused some heads to turn. Both Mike “Love Guru” Myers and Eli “Douchebag” Roth are slated to play significant roles. And, while I’m all for watching Jews kick some Nazi ass, it is a bit rich to think that Brad Pitt can play a convincing fellow tribesman. Even with the porn stache he’s sporting for this film, he’s about as gentile as Kevin Bacon shopping for pork at Whole Foods on a Saturday morning. Oy vey!
Sherlock Holmes
The Gist:
Guy Ritchie takes his signature gritty, explosive style and applies it to the most famous sleuth of all time. That’s right, Sherlock Holmes hits the big screen with a dark and serious character reinterpretation this coming November. Donning the goofy hat and pipe? Non other than Mr. Robert Downey Jr.
Why it will be awesome:
Robert Downey Jr. is currently on the type of epic career resurgence that only a place as shallow and materialistic as Hollywood could provide. He kicked ass in Ironman and Tropic Thunder, so it’s hard to imagine that he won’t deliver the goods here. Ritchie seems like a good fit as a director. Plus, we’ve got Jude Law as Watson, who I’m sure will nail the role harder than his nanny (Hi-Ooo!). Success should be simply elementary…
Why it will suck:
The last time Guy Ritchie ventured outside his comfort zone (i.e. actually tried to make a movie that wasn’t exactly like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels), he gave us Swept Away—a movie so bad that even Madonna was embarrassed by it (and she used to wear traffic cones over her boobs). That type of track record doesn’t bode well for Mr. Holmes. And, you gotta wonder if the screenwriter is going to have the guts to make one of the actors say “No shit, Sherlock” at some point (preferably in a cameo by Samuel L. Jackson).
Star Trek
The Gist:
This summer, Star Trek goes all Batman Begins on us with a certified franchise revamp. With a talented young cast and a new stylistic approach, director J.J. Abrams is hell bent on proving that Star Trek is actually cool and not just reserved for the that rare breed of dork who wears capes in public and smells like stale tater-tots.
Why it will be awesome:
J.J. Abrams is directing. So, it’s bound to be filled with big budget effects, impressive visuals, neat story elements, clever dialogue, and zippy cliffhangers. Throw in a unique spin on an otherwise stagnant franchise, and you have all the ingredients necessary to achieve true nerdvana. If anything, this movie should remind us all of a time when Captain Kirk was still cool and wasn’t hocking discount airline tickets.
Why it will suck:
J.J. Abrams is directing. So, it’s bound to be loud, vapid, manipulative, annoying, and filled with horrendous rap-metal.
*slow motion motorcycle flies through a beautiful explosion* Oooo-wha-a-a-a! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Look for Star Trek: The Dawson’s Creek edition to hit theaters this coming May.
I Love You Man
The Gist:
In what is sure to be this year’s Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I Love You Man is a comedy about a guy who desperately needs to find a best man for his upcoming nuptials. It’s the ultimate bromantic comedy that’s bound to strike that coveted comedy sweet spot that magically appeals to both men and women. In other words? Perfect date movie.
Why it will be awesome:
It’s a comedy with a clever premise starring Jason Segal, Paul Rudd, and my future wife, Rashida Jones. That’s a hard formula to mess with. Plus, the trailer is one of the funniest I’ve seen a while.
Why it will suck:
umm…I tried really hard to think of a reason why this movie could be bad, but Paul Rudd’s twinkling eyes and boyish good looks are keeping me from thinking straight. Kisses, Paul. Why haven’t you returned my phone calls? Hmm…maybe those nude pictures I sent were a little too forward…
Watchmen
The Gist:
The most famous graphic novel of all time—the one that established the medium as a credible literary art form—is finally being turned into a movie. At the helm is none other than 300 “auteur” Zach Snyder. Fans of super-heros, action, codpieces, and green screens rejoice!
Why it will be awesome:
It’s Watchmen! C’mon peeps, if the geek inside of you doesn’t perk up at the thought of seeing Rorschach kick ass or the Owl Ship take flight, then it’s time to hand in your nerd credentials. Plus, Snyder has painstakingly tried to stay true to the source material. That means no lame story changes and no crappy attempts to dumb stuff down for the masses (I’m looking at you V for Vendetta). The end of the world has never seemed so fresh and exciting. Who watches the Watchmen? Uh…I do…
Why it will suck:
There’s a reason that this movie took an eternity to get made. They say that Watchmen is unfilmable, and after recently rereading it, a small part of me tends to agree. It’s a story that is so intrinsically tied to the structure of a graphic novel, that the very thought of turning it into a compelling screenplay makes my head spin. Are people going to show up in the theater for three hours of heady super-hero depression and an eight foot tall naked blue dude? More importantly, is Zach Snyder capable of not using slow motion every five seconds? Only time will tell on this one. Oh, and that petty lawsuit from Fox over proprietary rights to the graphic novel certainly can’t help things. Regardless, I’ll be there on opening night, popcorn in hand…praying…
Looking forward to seeing you in the theater in ‘09. Ivan, out.
Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. The movie he is most looking forward to seeing this year is The Pink Panther 2.
