Top Five Movies Loved By Hipsters
Nestled deep within the sales racks of your local Urban Outfitters, there exists a population of young, often white, people so pretentious, so elitist that they are fans of bands that don’t even exist yet. They listen to NPR while drinking soy, non-fat lattes. They wear their little sister’s jeans. They are better than you. And, of course, their taste in movies is “exquisite”. Got that, cretin? The following list is the top five movies loved by “unique,” quirky, often white, people. Disagree with the choices? Well, you just don’t understand man. I mean, how could you? It’s just so deep…
Lost in Translation
White people love Lost in Translation. Ask any hipster what he/she thinks of this movie and the same answer will invariably come back again and again: It’s a modern masterpiece that thoroughly examines the isolationist nature of modern society and the human desire to connect even when lost in a world without any semblance of familiarity. Granted that line seems pretty smart, but understand this—they probably just memorized it from Wikipedia. I’ll be the first to admit that this flick just isn’t up my alley. For some reason, I just really don’t care about Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray’s characters all that much. Granted, I can appreciate that it’s well-shot and there are nice moments, but it never really gets me on anything beyond an analytic level.
The moment that really seals Lost in Translation’s place as the centerpiece of pretentious coffee house discussion? Check out the climactic scene when Murray unintelligibly whispers in Johansson’s ear in the middle of a crowded Tokyo street. For hipsters, this represents one of the most groundbreaking moments in cinema in over the past 10 years. Countless hours have been spent debating the meaning of this scene over a pot of chamomile tea and organic sugar wafers. It’s a lot like the debate over what killed the dinosaurs, except…you know…not as scientific and a lot more retarded.
Amélie
Okay…it’s kind of hard to hate on Amélie. I mean, it’s got Audrey Tautou in super cute mode, really impressive production value, some sweet cinematography…I really could go on and on. Nevertheless, Hipsters love this movie—they eat it up with a spoon. They talk about it while shopping for Tempeh Bacon at the local whole foods. It comes up in conversation when recounting the inspirational time they spent studying abroad in Paris that one semester in college. The movie is good, but over time, that kind of praise gets a tad nauseating. And, let’s be frank, in the film Amélie is constantly straddling the line between “adorable” and “downright creepy.”
For example, in real life, I don’t want some shy, pale chick staring at me from behind the fruit counter at the local supermarket, making notes in some elaborate journal. That sort of shit may be appealing on screen, but it comes off as “bat-fucking-crazy” in reality. Seriously, it’s kind of like the time I parked my unmarked van outside the local elementary school with a large batch of cotton candy. What? I was just staring…
Garden State
Right now, at this exact moment, there are a couple of college kids watching Garden State in an unkempt dorm room…and they’re about to declare it the greatest movie ever made. You see, Garden State portrays emotions and events that most hipsters have never experienced, but have been pretending to experience for the past five years. Everyone’s got (fake) friends just like Zack Braff’s hometown cronies. Everyone’s wooed that super quirky hot girl who has epilepsy. Everyone’s gone through an emotionally devastating childhood event that handicapped their mother. Gosh…it’s just so damned authentic…. Not to mention, Garden State is solely responsible for making The Shins socially relevant. Hipsters rejoice!
My favorite thing about Garden State? It made it seem possible that a nerdy, emotionally aloof Jewish kid could land Natalie Portman. Ivan’s coming for you, Natalie. Watch out…*
*I mean that in a totally non-stalker way.
Donnie Darko
Let me get this out of the way—nobody understands Donnie Darko…nobody…not even Richard Kelly himself (the director of the movie). I once had some hipster try to explain this time-travel/teenage drama to me. It ended with several ripped up pieces of notebook paper, a brief mention of Steven Hawkins, and a trip to the local Dunkin’ Donuts. Am I saying that this is a bad movie? No…in fact I think that it’s actually pretty entertaining. Regardless, Donnie Darko has the annoying distinction of being the film that “changed the lives” of about eight trillion Emo-Hipsters across the globe. Believe me, that number is completely accurate, they are all THAT complicated…
As a final side note, Donnie Darko is on the verge of no longer being cool because it’s becoming too well known and popular to still be accepted by the elite populous. So, if kids shopping at the local Hop Topic or H&M continue to talk up this movie, pretty soon hipsters could have another Fight Club on their hand – and that would just be catastrophic…
Anything Every Created by Wes Anderson
There’s nothing that white “unique” hipsters like more than watching other white “unique” hipsters do something. Ironically, by viewing people just like them, they ultimately feel original. So, who fulfills this cinematic niche? Enter Wes Anderson from stage right…
You see, Wes Anderson’s entire career consists of putting quirky white people on screen. Most often, it’s rich, aloof, quirky white people—something emo hipsters can’t get enough of. Throw in a lot of crazy dolly shots and a couple of songs by The Kinks and every person in the audience will be practically bouncing in their vintage Chuck Taylors.
I guess my biggest beef with Wes Anderson is that, for the most part, his movies really don’t have a plot (Rushmore being the major exception to this). Yes, his movies have concepts…just no real story. For instance, The Darjeeling Limited is about quirky, rich white brothers in a train trying to rebuild their relationship…it just never really develops anywhere from that initial premise. Same goes for The Royal Tenenbaums (just replace the word “brothers” with “family” and “train” with “New York”). In some way this directly reflects the lives of hipsters. On the surface they appear interesting and unique (the concept), but in reality they’re kind of shallow and a lot like everybody else (no plot). Just don’t tell hipsters this. They will most likely not understand and suggest you play an ironic game of boggle while listening to obscure jazz music. That’s an evening of pure torture (or enlightenment?) right there…
Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. Sometimes, he cuts himself at night because the world just doesn’t understand…
