Top Five Movies in Development Designed to Mine Your Childhood

As Nick Gregorio (an esteemed cohost on the Geekscape Podcast) so eloquently stated a while back on the show, “Hollywood is raping us.” He was, of course, referring to the mining of childhood intellectual properties and memorable franchises in order to make a quick buck on the silver screen. This summer alone a G.I. Joe movie and a Transformers sequel are barging their way into theaters with the tasteful subtlety that only Stephen Sommers and Michael Bay could provide.

Well, the following list proves that Hollywood is not just raping us, but is in fact taking us forcibly by the balls and showering us in a proverbial all-night bukkake of youthful nostalgia and soulless greed. These are the movies in development that will make you question the existence of a higher power. Movies that will make you believe that studio executives are truly nothing more than empty yes-men who are both illiterate and addicted to cocaine. Movies that quite simply make you want to stand up and scream, “F-ck my life!” So, fellow cinemagoers, lets strap on our safety helmets and journey into this putrid developmental abyss together.

Bazooka Joe
Yup…you read that right. A Bazooka Joe movie is currently in development. And, yes, in case you think you’re missing something, that is in fact the character found on the gum wrapper. A gum wrapper! Look at it this way: Bazooka Joe comics were printed on a medium that was meant to be thrown away, which means that even the makers of the product itself considered it to be garbage. Yet, here comes Hollywood, Leonidas-kicking its way into the picture, just itching to turn this into a movie. *Sighs* A gum wrapper. From the fifties. Can we get a slow clap for the douches in charge?

At the very least, couldn’t studio heads have greenlit a Big League Chew movie instead? As far as chewing gum to filmic adaptations go, that one’s clearly the winner. After all, there’s no better product for children than a gum that mimics the disgusting and altogether reprehensible habit of chewing tobacco. I’m full of ideas, Hollywood…

Stretch Armstrong
Remember that crappy, stretchable doll that you played with as a kid? You know…the one that looked like a cross between Elton John and a retarded Hulk Hogan. Well, guess what? It’s being turned into a movie! Wow, I just can’t wait to watch a movie about a character that’s just like Reed Richards, except you know, without any backstory whatsoever. I mean, seriously, just how can this miss? Maybe if we’ll lucky they’ll throw in Stretch’s canine sidekick Fetch Armstrong or his evil arch nemesis Wretch Armstrong. It’s clever because their first names rhyme, you see.

Where’s Waldo?
“Where’s Waldo?” was a fun picture book series created with the sole purpose of entertaining kids during long car rides or times when Daddy was passed out from drinking. That’s all well and good—and I genuinely don’t have a problem with the character of Waldo. But, a movie? C’mon! What decent story can possible by extracted about a tall guy who wears a stripped shirt and glasses, stands in crowds, and is most likely gay? More importantly, is this even necessary? I guess considering this is Hollywood we’re talking about here, I really shouldn’t be surprised. At this point I probably should just sit back in my recliner and wait for the inevitable sequel featuring a crossover between Carmen San Diego. Then, I can lock myself in my car, close the garage door, and turn on the ignition.

Heathcliff
Do you remember Heathcliff? No? How could you not remember an eighties cartoon cat who was more or less a blatant rip-off of Garfield? You see, Transformers had its Gobots and Garfield had Heathcliff. In case you didn’t know, he’s a zany, sarcastic cat that gets in all sorts of crazy shenanigans. To me, that just screams “awesome movie.” I just can’t wait to see what wild adventures he’ll get into. Maybe he’ll get stuck in a ball of yarn or, better yet, learn how to skateboard! You’re so sassy and cool, Heathcliff! I wish I were as edgy and tubular as you! *air guitars* *slits wrists*

Monopoly
Hollywood has turned to video games. They’ve turned to toys. Action figures. Dolls. Old cartoons. Gum wrappers. Well, now ladies and gentlemen of the jury, they’ve turned to board games—a form of entertainment so lame that its coolest spokesperson is Jamie Lee Curtis.

Granted, I’m not one to bash the 1985 movie Clue (which is surprisingly a decent flick), but Monopoly is where I draw the line. Let me ask you something: have you ever played Monopoly for longer than two hours? Yeah, I didn’t think so. That’s because it gets really boring after about forty-five minutes and the game never ends. Now, picture that excruciating experience compiled together as a movie. Just makes you wet with anticipation, doesn’t it? To make matters even more intriguing mortifying Ridley Scott (i.e. the man behind Alien and Gladiator) is currently tapped to direct. I don’t know about you all, but when I hear the word board game my mind doesn’t necessarily jump to “dude who made Blade Runner.” Regardless of what happens with this flick, I hope they come up with intriguing plot twists revolving around who gets to be the racecar and what the true rules of free parking are. Just think, in no time you too can cruise pass go into the bowels of cinematic Hell. Sounds fan-fricking-tastic!

Until next time, see you on the Baltic Avenue of websites…