Top Five Movie Presidents
Word on the street is that a new President has taken office in the good ole’ U.S. of A. You might be expecting me to comment on this momentous occasion. Then again, I’m a moron, so that’s probably not the best idea. Seriously…I’m the guy that has trouble opening the tops of aspirin bottles. To mask my stupidity, I turn once again to the warm, loving embrace of movies. This week, I present the Top Five Movie Presidents. Hail to the Chief, Baby…
President Thomas J. Whitmore — Independence Day
I admire two people in this world and one of them just happens to be Bill Pullman (the other is the dude who invented the Swiffer…that thing just rocks my world). Honestly, who better to lead our country through an Alien invasion than Mr. Raspy voice himself? President Thomas J. Whitmore is the complete package—a great orator, a killer fighter pilot, a true family man. Plus, he has the balls to go out and stomp enemy tail while flying next to the Fresh Prince himself (Welcome to, Erf!)
Huge explosions and computer viruses aside, what it really comes down to is this: If the country was under attack by killer tentacle aliens hell bent on world domination, who would you want in power? Yup…that’s right…the answer is incontrovertibly Bill “Newsies” Pullman. Granted, that situation is completely hypothetical…then again, so are my pants. Feel the breeze, boys!
President William H. Mitchell/Dave Kovic — Dave
I have a soft spot for this high concept comedy about an average joe presidential impersonator who has to fill in for the actual President when the real Commander and Chief has a heart attack. Yes, I realize the plot for this movie is about as likely me scoring with Mila Kunis, but sometimes you’ve just got to bow down to the glorious wonder of movie logic.
You see, in the movie, Dave takes control over the nation and proves that compassion and good intentions are all that it takes to save the country (and hook up with the First Lady). It may be illogical, but it’s sweet and sappy in a good kind of way. Oh, and Mila? Call me….
Unnamed Douchebag President — Love Actually
Minimal screen-time aside, this one makes the list for sheer guts alone. You’ve just got to admire a movie that has the kahunas to portray the U.S. president as a bumbling hick who’s most pressing political matter is an ill advised attempt to try and bang the British Prime Minister’s secretary. I do think it’s funny that English filmmaker Richard Curtis basically includes the U.S. President in the movie strictly to poke fun at how dumb Americans are. At first, that may seem harsh…but after all, this is the country where Paul Blart: Mall Cop was number 1 at the box office . Don’t you get it? It’s funny because he’s f-cking fat! *takes swig of beer, goes back to watching cops*
A special kudos goes out to Billy Bob Thorton for managing to take on the type of ignorant and coarse idiot role that he’s be playing for the past 10 years. Way to test your range, buddy!
President Lindberg — The Fifth Element
Barack Obama may be getting tons of press for being the first African American president, but in my mind, true racial equality hit the mainstream in 1995 with Luc Besson’s The Fifth Element. In the movie, society is on the verge of being destroyed by an ancient, mythical evil. And, while Bruce Willis may be the dude who ultimately saves the day, you’ve got to admire a futuristic society that is led by none other than Tommy “Tiny” Lister himself. In case you’re unaware, Tiny Lister is a 6’5” former professional wrestler/shot-put champion who has appeared in about a gajillion movies. In fact, this past summer he played the tattooed prisoner on the riverboat with the creepy eye in The Dark Knight.
The Fifth Element is awesome because you finally get to see Lister playing against type. Normally, he’s the type of character actor who usually ends up playing “Generic Street Thug 7” or the “Anonymous Rapist” in pretty much every Lifetime Movie. So, really–if you think about it–the Fifth Element is like the Rosa Parks of weird French new wave Sci-Fi. My only complaint? The outfits they force Lister (and the rest of the cast) to wear are completely ridiculous. Seriously, if movies have taught me anything it’s this: In the future, we will all dress like emo douchebags.
President Andrew Shepherd — The American President
I love The American President…and I say that completely without any sense of irony. I’m of the opinion that this flick–penned by West Wing wunderkid/crack addict Aaron Sorkin and directed by Rob Reiner–may just be the best romantic comedy ever made. Everyone is on the top of their game for this movie: Michael Douglas appears suave and intelligent, Annette Bening is actually pretty hot, and Michael J. Fox managed to take some time off from his busy schedule of whining about Parkinson’s to actually act (Yes, Virginia, I am going to Hell). Douglas’ Andrew Shepherd is the perfect President–smart, strong, compassionate, honest, and, therefore, completely unrealistic.
I will go on record saying that the script for the movie is relatively flawless. It makes you appreciate the office of the President on a new level. When you hear Michael Douglas deliver his impassioned climactic speech at the end, it’s almost enough to make you believe in the political process all over again. Almost.
[Editor’s Note: We will eventually forgive Ivan for forgetting one of our favorite Movie Presidents:
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Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He voted for Ross Perot. Twice.
