Top Five Movie Bullies

Greetings, brahs. This week I delve into what is sure to be sensitive territory–the elusive school yard bully. I’m sure some (i.e. all) of us have dealt with a bully in real life, so what better way to represent our unbearable pain and sordid memories than through the purifying lens of movies? Damn, it’s moments like this when I wish I had lists like this to help me get through puberty. I really could have used that in high school. I mean, uh, junior high.

Scut Farcus, A Christmas Story
As TBS likes to remind us every Christmas (in between re-runs of Saved By the Bell and constant, unbearable ads for Frank TV), A Christmas Story is quite simply a holiday classic. And, right smack in between a smattering of Red Ryder BB Guns and Pink Bunny costumes, there’s Scut Farkus–the stereotypical little school bully that brings out the childhood fear in all of us. This little bastard is the epitome of mean, picking on our hero Ralphie as often as I make fun of Kirsten Dunst (I’m at 94.63% chance of a Dunst joke per article by now). Since Scut represents the iconic bully of old fashioned school-time lore, he easily makes a spot on this list. He’s just so damn vicious…what with his (so-help-me-god!) yellow eyes and grungy hat that looks like it was made of roadkill. My special stamp of approval goes to Scut’s obligatory shrimp of a sidekick, the newsie-hat wearing Grover Dill.

Mike Dexter, Can’t Hardly Wait.
“Mike Dexter is a role model!” “Mike Dexter is a God!” These are just a few of the superlatives thrown at Mike Dexter, the generic jock from the 1998 high school classic, Can’t Hardly Wait. Sure there are more memorable bullies out there, but Mike Dexter is just sort of classic in his blandness. He is to fictional bullies what Chris Evans is to pretty much all of Hollywood. Plus, I felt it was a good idea to give Peter Facinelli some love. After all, right about now, I’m sure he’s boarded up in some grimy Los Angeles motel living off ramen noodles and uncashed royalty checks from Fastlane.

There are some who would say that Mike Dexter isn’t worthy of this list…that I should have instead picked one of the plethora of bad boys that were a dominate presence in John Hughes movies and their subsequent 80’s ripoffs. Well, I chose Dexter because it seems to me that the “teen-comedy-sub-genre” (insert pretentious wanking motion here) is practically a dying art–much like speaking Latin or the career of Ashton Kutcher. Can’t Hardly Wait stands out as the highlight from the last great teen comedy boom of the late 90’s. It was a simpler time when boy bands were ubiquitous and Carson Daly was still socially relevant. Essentially, Mike Dexter is the perfect embodiment of the stereotypical pre-2000 Abercrombie and Fitch wearing douchebag, and therefore by choosing it, I was hoping to capture a sense of unmistakable adolescent nostalgia and psychosemantic Freudian logic. In conclusion, I will fight you.

Heather Chandler, Heathers
Proving that a good bully doesn’t have to be male, I humbly present to you Heather Chandler, the bitch-tacular leader of the popular high school girls clique in Heathers. If this movie taught me anything, it’s that girl bullies are probably much worse than their boy counterparts because they attack their victims psychologically instead of physically. It’s this kind of horrendous teasing and pressure that causes fat girls to eat their feelings and cry in gym class.

Heathers gets extra-props for being the movie that helped launch the careers of Christian Slater, Shannen Doherty, and Winona Ryder. Coincidentally, all three them are in a place right now, career-wise, where they’ll appear in Direct-to-DVD crapola, TV voiceovers, and Lifetime original movies where women get beaten with metal poles.
A special nod goes to the crazy 80’s fashion in this movie. Shoulder pads, electric colors, teased hair…Oh, Winona, you’ve shoplifted my heart! (Ya see what I did there, kids?)*

*Self-congratulatory 10-year-old joke alert! 

Biff Tannen, Back to the Future
Ahh…Biff! Appearing in all three Back to the Future movies (in various forms), Biff is the “butthead” yelling dolt that acts as a perfect foil to the quick-witted and spry Marty McFly (hey, that rhymes!) Besides starring in one of the greatest movie trilogies ever, Biff earns a spot on this list for basically embodying every type of bully imaginable–adult bully, old man bully, futuristic bully, school age bully, Wild West Bully…Wooly Bully (hint: that last one is made up…and admittedly cheesey).

I’m not sure if the actor playing Biff ever went on do anything else of importance. Yes, I realize I could look this up on imdb, but I’m also a lazy jackass. So, I’m just going to assume his real name is Farts O’Houlihan and that he went on to found an Irish Sports bar in Boston. Imaginary facts are fun! *returns to coloring book*

Johnny Lawrence, Karate Kid
Was there every any doubt about this one? Played by William Zabka–the platinum coifed ultimate 80’s bad boy–Johnny Lawrence is the very definition of bully. As you watch him prance around smugly in that black Cobra Cai gitup, you can almost smell the rare breed of douche that you’re dealing with. If Johnny Lawrence were around today he would be wearing a striped shirt and smell strongly of Axe Bodyspray. Whenever you watch the Karate Kid, you hate Johnny so much that sometimes you’re even able to ignore the fact that Ralph Macchio may just be the worst actor of all time.

As an interesting side note, William Zabka also played excellent bullies in at least two other films (possibly more…again I’m far too lazy to be sure). Check out Just One of the Guys  and the Rodney Dangerfield classic, Back to School to get in your fix. You know, for playing so many iconic bullies, I bet he’s actually a pretty nice guy in real life…because he’s an actor, you see. And, actors act like someone else…that is unless you’re Keanu Reaves.

Until next time and don’t forget to sweep the leg!

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He derives his super powers from drinking the tears of the unborn.