Top Five Most Annoying People at the Movies
As the summer movie season crosses the finish line with a slow, asthmatic crawl (hello, The Final Destination), I thought it might be fun to turn our listing attention away from the movies to the moviegoers themselves. That’s right, folks, this week I’m focusing on the people who bothered you in theaters all throughout this long, hot summer—those who tainted the popcorn scented air-conditioned sanctuary of the movie theater with their annoying behavior and idiosyncracies. They also enjoy kicking puppies (allegedly). So, without further adieu, I present the top five most hated people you’ll find at the movies. Gather round the campfire ladies and gents. Let’s explore our common disdain together.
The Guy Who Yells Stuff at the Screen
Much like Anne Heche, this particular individual has no conception of present time and space. As soon as the lights dim, so does this guy’s inhibitions. He gains the confidence to yell and scream crap that even 13-year-olds on XBox Live would find off color and annoying. The “at-screen” yelling comes in a variety of flavors. First, there’s the “cool” guy who thinks he’s funny (i.e. yelling lame jokes during serious moments). Worse, however, is the narration guy—also known as “Don’t go in there!” man. This fella—for some inexplicable reason—thinks that movies are the visual equivalent of Choose Your Own Adventure Stories. He’s of the mindset that if he yells things loud enough he can somehow change the outcome of the story. Well, let me tell ya, buddy, it doesn’t work. I mean, if you could change the movie by just yelling stuff at the screen, G.I. Joe might have actually been watchable.
*Side note: Yelling things at the screen is perfectly acceptable for any movie that is so bad that it’s borderline offensive (or anything else directed by Brett Ratner).
The Texting Girl
Granted, this one could be labeled the “texting guy,” but more often than not the perpetrator is a fifteen-year-old girl—the kind who loves Twilight and probably has a shrine to Robert Pattinson in her bathroom. Only God knows why she comes to the movies because it certainly isn’t for cinematic entertainment. She’s only interested in two things: 1.) Not watching the movie. 2.) And, letting everyone of her facebook friends know, individually, that she’s currently at the movies. If you sit behind this girl, you may have no idea what’s currently happening during District 9, but you will know that she’s planning on joining her friends at Jamba Juice afterwards.
The Dude Who Laughs When He’s Scared
Also known as a douche. Wears sun visors inside and pretends to own a BMW. This is a man’s man. Nothing phases him. He is tougher than John McLaine and John Cena’s lovechild. That’s why when things get a bit frightening on screen, he laughs. It’s his little way of saying “Fuck you, Hollywood! I can see you’re trying to scare me, but I’m just too cool and tough. Now, who wants to go out for Jägerbombs later?”
This guy thinks that acting manly will impress the “date” he’s brought with him. In reality, however, his faux machismo does little to mask how small his penis is. Lay off the ‘roids, broheim.
The Fanboy
Often smelling of hot pockets and loneliness, this guy knows everything about the movie before he’s even seen it. And, of course, it fails to meet his lofty expectations. He’s read ever article on Ain’t It Cool News. He downloaded the leaked script six months ago from the Pirate Bay. At this point, the film is incapable of impressing him. So, he sits seething in his seat, crunching Milk Duds and gurgling Mountain Dew, just itching for the moment when he can wedge himself free from the confines of his chair and trash the movie on his blog. The fanboy is fond of scoffing incredulously when scenes are unable to please him. Often he turns to his friends (if he has any) to complain about the lack of detail in the CGI. He will, however, shut up during the close-ups of Megan Fox’s boobs. I mean, you just can’t find fault with that type of layered and profound cinematic complexity.
Old People
It’s common knowledge that old people hate everything. So, it might come as some surprise that they would even go to the movies. But, like an immutable law of physics, they’re guaranteed to always be present at the movie you’re going to see. Perhaps they were expecting some old-timey vaudevillian source of entertainment complete with men in top hats and people in black face, because based on their disdain for what they are watching they definitely weren’t expecting a modern movie. To make matters worse, old people have no conception of movie ratings or content. They’ll show up to a Tarantino movie thinking it’s a Disney flick, horrified when they discover the film’s depiction of violence and/or sex. If you’re sitting next to old people, prepare to move your legs several times to allow them room to move past you during their requisite four trips to the bathroom, and ultimately, their inevitable walkout as they complain about “kids” today and remark that things were much different back in the Great Depression. Oh, and that crinkling sound you hear behind you? That’s Grandpa opening up a hard candy…
Until next time, folks. Hate on…
