Top Five Most Annoying Halloween Costumes
Back in the good ole’ days of my youth, Halloween was a delightful time of year full of unlimited magic and week-long sugar highs. But, now that I’ve become a crotechy adult, bogged down by a daily nine to five and grueling interactions with the “man,” it’s become just another day of the year that gives me an excuse to be surly and attempt to steal candy from five year-olds. Being the grump that I am, here are the top five most annoying costumes to wear this All Hallows’ Eve. By all means, dress up–just don’t show up wearing this crap. Because I will make fun of you…
The Clark Kent
At every Halloween party you’re bound to find that one guy who was just a little too lazy to come up with a real costume, so at the last minute he grabbed his business suit, threw on some fake glasses, and stuck a superman t-shirt underneath (sometimes they don’t even go that far). Dressing as Clark Kent is the modern equivalent of taking a sheet, cutting two holes in it, and going as a ghost—it only proves that you have no imagination and officially suck at life. Not to mention, if you stand next to him at a party you’re forced to overhear a never-ending barrage of Superman related puns and bad pick up lines. (i.e. “My X-Ray vision likes what it sees.”) The only way to win in this situation is to go up to good ole’ Clark and tell him that your fists are an accessory to his costume—they’re made of kryptonite, you see.
The Slutty Girl
It’s a well know fact that Halloween has strictly become an excuse for girls across the world to dress like complete and utter sluts. But, let me tell you this makes for some bad Halloween costumes. Now, before all the guys in the audience cry fowl and punch me in the shoulder for acting queer, let me tell ya, there’s nothing more depressing than watching a bunch of skanky chicks attempting to act hot while dressed up as a slutty nurse and/or slutty witch. Sure, they may be half naked…but the whole thing just feels seedy. It’s the holiday equivalent of visiting a strip club off the Jersey Turnpike. To make matters worse, often times the girls wearing the slutty costumes don’t really have the figure to pull it off. Poorly constructed polyester bustiers do little to contain the fatty bulges of the more corpulent set. In the end, it just comes off as sad. I mean, maybe instead of dressing like tramps they should go out and do something that they’re good at—like eating their feelings.
The Cutesy Couple
This couple is so deeply in love that they feel the need to remind you of it every second of every day. That’s why their costume is intrinsically tied to one another—so much so that it loses all relevance if they separate at any point throughout the night. The plug and socket. The screw and bolt. The ball and chain. It’s not necessarily that the concept of a “couple’s costume” upsets me on a basic level, it’s just the insufferable people who tend to wear them make me want to stab things. Watching them play cutesy with each other all night is almost as unbearable as listening to your whipped college roommate give his nightly call to his long distance girlfriend. “No, you hang up first…”
The Pop-Culture Cliché
Every year a certain element of pop-culture invades our world, and inevitably this person/place/thing becomes a ubiquitous presence at Halloween parties everywhere. Last year it was Sarah Palin and the Joker. This year it’s Michael Jackson and Jon and Kate Plus Eight. The thing that bugs me the most about the Pop-culture cliché is that the person going as it is completely clueless to its over saturation. The costume is more played out than “the Rick Roll,” and still he/she thinks that they are wearing the most original ensemble in the universe. It’s as if they just stumbled out of a cave after years of isolation only to discover an element of pop culture that everyone else already knew about for months—like your clueless Dad who just found out about facebook. “I hear it’s all the rage with the kids these days …”
The “I Don’t Have A Costume” Guy
Much like a Halloween version of Ebenezer Scrooge, this guy hates the magic of the holiday and all the joy it brings to kiddies and adults across the land. He spits on our joy, steps on pumpkins, and probably enjoys kicking puppies. Why is he wearing a fitted t-shirt and jeans to this year’s Halloween party? Because he’s uncreative and has no problem letting everyone in the world know that he’s not remotely interested in having a costume. “I’m going as myself,” he’ll say. “I don’t dress up, that’s for kids,” Well, if wearing a poorly conceived Nicholas Cage Wicker Man costume while screaming “No! Not the Bees!” all night is wrong…well, frankly I don’t want to be right. Halloween comes once a year. Stop being such a party pooper.
Honorable mentions go to: Pimp/Hooker, the Scream Killer, and your mom.
