Top Five Good Actors who Appear in Bad Movies*

We’ve all heard of “paycheck movies”. They’re the ones that big name, and usually talented, stars do strictly for the cash (ironically, Ben Affleck starred in a movie of this ilk that was actually called Paycheck). Well, the following list consists of the top five actors who have been in paycheck movies…a lot.

Honorable mention goes out to the legendary Robert DeNiro. I would have added him, but I am genuinely frightened that he would read it, find out where I live, and kill me in my sleep. Love you, Bobby. *Kisses*

Eugene Levy
Based on his comedic timing in stuff like Best in Show and Waiting for Guffman, it’s clear that Eugene Levy has some serious acting chops and is certainly funny. So, why in the name of the Lord God is Mr. Levy continuously appearing in movies that are equivalent to being hit in the nads with a golf shoe while watching reruns of Keeping Up with the Kardashians? 2005’s The Man is a perfect example. I mean, I just love a good ol’ fashioned black and white buddy cop comedy! You see…it’s funny because one of them is a sassy black man and the other one is an uptight white guy! It’s amazing that even when Hollywood churns out such groundbreaking films as this, racial harmony still eludes us.

To make matters worse, I recently found out that Eugene Levy is the only actor to appear in all 6—count ‘em—6 American Pie movies. Not only does that reveal how insanely bad Mr. Levy is at picking projects, it’s also simply mind blowing to conceive that Hollywood has actually produced six American Pie movies. Honestly, who’s even watching this stuff? To answer my own question, it’s probably somebody who wears sideways visors and has a steady supply of Ruhypnol.

Al Pacino
To call Al Pacino a legend is an understatement, so please don’t misinterpret good ol’ Al’s position on this list as a knock on his talent. However, for every Godfather and Dog Day Afternoon, there has been stuff like S1m0ne (that spelling alone makes me want to knife someone), Gigli, and Righteous Kill. I’m not really sure who’s to blame here, but if Pacino keeps choosing projects like these it seems he has a bright future chock-full of appearances in late night commercials for OxyClean. 

Did Pacino just sell out? Did he get lazy? Tired? Regardless, the answer to this question still doesn’t explain exactly why Heat is so acclaimed. Call me a cinematic plebian, but that movie is just too damn long. You know what else is too damn long? My penis. At least that’s what my last girlfriend said…oooooooh!

Eddie Murphy
I think it’s pretty hard to argue that back in his day, Eddie Murphy was pretty much the sh-t. Beverly Hills Cop? Trading Places? Coming to America? These aren’t just comedies—they are cinematic classics. However, a couple of ill fated life decisions and a spin with a tranny-hooker later, we have the Eddie Murphy that exists today—a broken shell of man who blankly sleepwalks through bad family comedies and gets into paternity battles with Scary Spice. I miss the days of yore when Eddie Murphy wasn’t a studio-controlled automaton, but instead was a foul mouthed, quick witted, and daring comedian who raised the bar on comedy and satire.

Unfortunately, the future doesn’t look too bright. After headlining junk like the Adventures of Pluto Nash, Norbit, and Meet Dave, this summer Murphy is staring in Imagine That, a Nickelodeon comedy where he plays a financial executive who’s too busy to paty attention to his daughter. That is, until the daughter’s imaginary friends start giving him good stock tips.  Yup. You read that right. That’s the plot. A girl’s imaginary friends give a guy good stock tips. Oooh…I wonder if at the end they discover a new found appreciation and love for one another? Seriously, folks, this is the kind of role that even Cuba Gooding Jr. would turn down.

Ben Kingsley
Sir Ben Kingsley—also known as the man who played Gandhi. He’s an acclaimed and well-renowned actor who is staple on the stage and screen. Explain to me then, why has he appeared in an Uwe Boll movie? And, while you might think a starring turn in Bloodrayne would be a single ugly mark on an otherwise solid career, there’s also embarrassing performances in A Sound of Thunder, Suspect Zero, You Kill Me, and Thunderbirds. When Nicholas Cage saw that list of movies, he was reported to have said, “Damn, that Kingsley sure makes a lot of crap.”

The good news is that Ben may have gotten himself back on track: coming in 2009 (like your mom, hi-OH!), he’s starring in Martin Scorsese’s next film, Shutter Island. I still have hope for you Ben. Don’t let me down.

Samuel L. Jackson
True fact. Samuel L. Jackson has appeared in every movie ever made. Seriously, I don’t think Mr. Jackson has ever turned down a roll. I picture conversations with his agent going down like this:

Agent: “Hey Sammy. I’ve got a script for a movie…“
Sam Jackson: “I’ll TAKE IT!”

No doubt that Samuel L. Jackson is iconic. But, peruse his filmography and you begin to wonder just how much anonymous debts he really needs to pay off. Jumper? The Man? The Spirit? xXx (both 1 and 2)? Formula 51? These are the kind of movies that lay at the bottom of Wal-Mart’s bargain bin for all eternity. Samuel L. Jackson even made an entire movie based strictly on the idea that he often appears in bad movies (hello, Snakes on a Plane). Seeing all the great stuff Mr. Jackson has done, it truly makes me wonder if sometimes he just needs to simply collect a pay check.

Nevertheless, I’ve had it with these Monkey-Fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!

Ivan, out.