Top Five Coolest Movie Character Names
Ahh…movies! It’s only in this mystical land of celluloid that everybody has a unique or quirky name like “Juno” or “Ivan.” Well, after digging through several scientific reports and elaborate historical documents *cough*IMDb*cough*, I’ve managed to create a definitive list of the top five coolest movie character names. These names are the phattest of the phat. The neatest of the neat. The Bee’s Knees (if you are from the 1920’s). I mean, just think how different the playground beatings of your childhood would have gone if you were named like the following characters. Sure you still would have gotten your ass kicked, but at least the bullies taunting you would be yelling something cool.
Boba Fett, Star Wars
Before George Lucas specialized in a career of eating cheeseburgers and designing CGI prairie dogs, he used to actually make movies…good movies. Back when he was constructing the Star Wars Trilogy, he included a minor character—a bounty hunter that flew in penis shaped ship and wore a large, shiny helmet. I’m talking about Boba Fett here, folks. And, if you don’t know who that is, time to hand in your nerd credentials.
I doubt that Lucas ever intended for Boba Fett to become as popular as he did—as is evidenced by his total wussy death by desert pit—but, regardless of Lucas’s intentions, the Fett became a nerd icon. My guess for his popularity? None other than his super cool name. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t mess with an intergalactic bounty hunter named Boba Fett—that’s a moniker you just have to respect. Plus, he’s mysterious, wears a cape, has a raspy voice, and wears a jetpack. And, let’s face it, chicks dig jet packs….(and large penises).
Tyler Durden, Fight Club
“People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.” Sure, it may be the opening line to Fight Club, but to be honest, even in the real world I’d be asking about Tyler Durden. That name just sounds so damn cool. It belongs on VIP guest lists next to the likes of Kanye West and Abe Frohman, the Sausage King of Chicago. Heck, Durden’s name is so cool that there’s even an entire website named after it.
After a lot of thought, I’m thinking of naming my first kid Tyler Durden. Sure, he’ll be forever exposed to a lifetime of unyielding teasing and pop-culture harassment, but the little guy needs to learn how to become a man somehow. Fight the good fight, young Durden. Daddy needs you to make me some soap…
Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride
Some kids dress up as Indiana Jones or Luke Skywalker. I pretended to be Inigo Montoya from the Princess Bride. The main reason was because that name is just so darn awesome and fun to say. How else do you explain the popularity of the line “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die,”? As a kid, I’d run around the house with a toy sword saying that over and over again. Occasionally, I still do the same thing. Though, I must admit, people find my lack of pants “unnerving.” At least that’s what it says on the restraining order…
Regardless, I’m just happy I managed to avoid the undesirable fate of the real Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin). Social obscurity and a failed Showtime series—it’s something I wouldn’t even wish on my most hated enemies. Dead Like Me…FTW!
Keyser Soze/Verbal Kint
Spoiler Alert: Keyser Soze is Verbal Kint (or Brent Moore, depending on your allegiance to the geekscape forums). Seriously, if you didn’t know that, you suck, plain and simple. Now that we got that little “twist” out of the way, let’s reflect on the pure awesomeness of the those names. First, we have Keyser Soze, a title both unique and hardcore, simultaneously causing fear and intrigue at its very pronunciation, much like the term “Rusty Trombone.” Props on the screenwriter for not wussing out with something generic, but still managing to keep it believable. The name Soze gets high marks on both its strength and breathtaking beauty. In a related story, so does my manly physique. *flexes*
Verbal Kint is another name that amps up the cool factor. There’s just something about the name “Verbal” that’s so awesome. A certain je ne sais quoi, if you will. Ironically, Verbal Kint did very poorly on his SAT’s.
John Matrix
Back in 1985 they still made action flicks the American way—hard, fast, and simple, just the way your mom likes it (hi-oh! *high five’s guy next to him*). Commando is a movie for men who like doing manly things like: shaving, cutting down trees, and listening to Cher. Uh…I mean Metallica. Grrr! Football!
If there was any doubt that this movie was a cinematic masterpiece, it’s assuaged as soon as the main character’s name is revealed—John Matrix. John Matrix! Now, that’s a name you just don’t f-ck with. Just hearing that name makes me want to break someone’s neck or shoot some kind of high velocity rifle. So, who starred in this masterpiece of testosterone and rocket launchers, none other than the governator himself. Mr. Ah-Nold Schwarzenegger. I mean, in this movie, he is so damn American that he even speaks with an Austrian accent. The stars and stripes salute you Mr. Matrix. Your name and film are both flawless. Now, go let off some steam, Bennett…
Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of the Worst Movie Ever Podcast! He is often said to be “too cool for school.”
