Top 10 Most Amazing Pieces of Fictional Footwear
These shoes cost 300 dollars. These shoes cost 300 dollars. These shoes cost 300 fucking dollars. Let’s get ’em! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCF3ywukQYA
Not that I have a foot fetish (I promise you, I don’t, kind of), or any more than the usual male’s interest in high heels, but I do seem to notice, in films and television shows, when a character has donned some really cool-looking footwear. Who amongst us hasn’t longed to own a pair of flying robot boots, or just a pair of really cool Mystery Men-style painted kick-‘n’-stomps with indestructible rubber treads and laces all the way up to your knees? And who amongst us didn’t salivate when Barb Wire threw her high heel into that guy’s face?
O.k. Perhaps none of us. But that I remembered a goofy violent scene from a middling and forgettable superhero flick from the mid 1990s, I think, only reveals my credentials in compiling and contemplating a list of the ten coolest boots, shoes, kicks, togs, sandals and slippers to ever grace our minds.
10) The aquarium pimp platform shoes
from “I’m Gonna Git You, Sucka” (1988)
Before Keenen Ivory Wayans was making insufferable comedies like “White Chicks” and horribly unfunny spoofs like “Scary Movie,” and even before his landmark television sketch comedy show “In Living Color,” he made a somewhat amusing spoof of blaxploitation movies called “I’m Gonna Git You, Sucka.” It dealt a lot with the ridiculous tropes and fashions of black culture in the 1970s, and was peppered with all kinds of cutesy film references; I was especially amused when Wayans was forced to cauterize a hangnail in the midst of a battlefield. It wasn’t nearly as amusing as some of the genuine blaxploitation movies in the world, but it was harmless.
But the scene everyone remembers is when a long-incarcerated pimp, Flyguy (Antonio Fargas) takes to the street after a fifteen-year absence, wearing the pimpiest of pimp outfits, to announce his return to the world. He wears a banana-yellow, polyester jumpsuit, with giant flare bellbottoms, zebra trim, an enormous hat, and, most notably, a pair of platform shoes. The platform shoes are so high and so elaborate, that they actually contain real goldfish, swimming about inside the platforms themselves. If that isn’t glitz, if that isn’t taste, I don’t know what is.
The shoes, sadly, break out from under him, and he tumbles to the ground, all to the mockery of the people around him. Like The Tower of Bebel, the fish-filled platform shoes became a sign of hubris.
9) Magical sneakers
from “Like Mike” (2002) and “Slam Dunk Earnest” (1995)
As a kid, especially if you are of Generation Y, sneakers were a vitally important part of your wardrobe. Reebok released The Pump, and Nike released Air Jordans, and your character was judged over what make and model you wore, and even which brand you selected (Reebok kids were never as cool as Nike kids). This persistent branding of children only bred a subculture of kids who would commit murder to obtain sneakers. Good job, Nike and Reebok.
But we all had the fantasy. That somehow, by putting on these shoes, you would be imbued with newly-found sportsman’s talent you didn’t know you had. The shoes would be the magical catalyst, releasing you from your awkward athletic ineptitude, and catapult you into the high-powered, high-moneyed world of sports superstardom.
Two films dealt directly with this fantasy. Neither was very good, but they knew the childhood mindset I describe. In 1995, Earnest (Jim Varney), hick pitchman-turned-movie-star, starring in his seventh feature film “Slam Dunk Earnest,” was visited by an angel (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar), who granted him a pair of magical sneakers, turning him into a basketball dynamo. Of course, he lands a spot on a professional NBA team. In 2002, rapper-turned-actor Bow Wow found a pair of discarded sneakers on a telephone wire, etched with the initials “MJ,” presumably Michael Jordan. Sure enough, the sneakers imbue the 14-year-old boy with Jordan’s talent, and he too is enlisted to play on a professional NBA team.
This is little more than little boy fantasy wish fulfillment, but then, couldn’t that be said of most any action film? Wait… Are they the same pair of shoes a decade apart?
8) M. Bison’s flying boots
from “Street Fighter” (1994)
I did find it a bit odd that a movie called “Street Fighter” featured no actual street fighting. But never mind. Titular fidelity was clearly not on the minds of the filmmakers. This film is much maligned, but I appreciated its economy of storytelling, and strange terminal audacity. This may only be because I watched it immediately after seeing the stirringly mediocre “Double Dragon.”
Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a soldier in a UN-type military force, who must infiltrate the castle hideout of a wicked dictator named Bison, played with cackling glee by veteran stage actor Raul Julia in his final film role. Even though the film is peppered with dozens of characters, films of this ilk dictate that all the drama must be resolved by a simple fistfight between the hero and the villain. So yes, we’re treated to Van Damme pummeling Raul Julia, who also, to his credit, happens to be adept at martial arts. Their subsequent climactic battle takes place in the middle of a giant techno-laboratory.
But then, just when you think things can’t get any more ridiculous, Bison flips on his magical flying boots, and begins making soaring punches at our hero. For this wondrous moment, the film goes from being a ridiculous, video-game-based action flick, to a deliriously ridiculous camp classic. Man, I love those boots. Flying boots show up in films here and there, but rarely with the glorious cheesiness depicted here.
7) Nike’s Air-Cheladas
from “Mystery Science Theater 3000” (1988-1999)
As most of Geekscape’s readers probably know, the outset of every episode of the cult comedy’s show’s first six seasons, show creator/comedian Joel Hodgson would exchange his idea for a new invention with the very same mad scientists who imprisoned him in space. Many of these inventions were practical (a Daktari stool), some were impossible (The Car-Tuner), and some were just downright cruel (the chocolate bunny guillotine). But they were all pretty dang funny.
During the midst of the aforementioned sneaker craze, when Reebok was thinking of new ways to put air pockets in shoes, and other companies were thinking of ways to put lights in shoes, Joel had the brilliant idea to put food in shoes. The centerpiece of this high-tech cross-training shoe is a shock-resistant chamber of deliciously spreadable portwine cheese. Why not? Cheese would surely dampen the impact of your stride, and, once you’re done jogging, you can spread it on a snack, hence undoing all your exercise. There aren’t nearly enough products in today’s oversaturated markets that combine both food and clothing. Maybe The Pleasure Chest has a few things, but surely those are enough to sustain you. The Air-Chelada is a beautiful product.
6) The Flubber-padded basketball shoes
from “The Absent-Minded Professor” (1961)
Prof. Ned Brainard (Fred MacMurray), while, well, absent-minded (he’s missed his wedding a few times already), managed, in a fit of scientific serendipity, to invent an odd brownish, molasses-like substance that he nicknamed Flubber. It was a supper rubbery substance that actually gained momentum as it bounced. The scientific implications of such a substance are staggering; here is a a man who can spontaneously create energy. The energy crisis would be at an end, should Flubber be used properly.
But Brainard ends up using the Flubber the same way I think most of us would use it: to help his friends win at basketball. He makes specialized sneakers that allow his school’s basketball team – formerly wimpy and untalented – to win a high-stakes game against their longtime rivals. The players can jump hundreds of feet in the air, and make slam dunks from above the rim. Not only is this a gloriously irresponsible way to use a miracle of science, it looks way fun. I wish I had some Flubber shoes.
5) M.O.Pe.D.s
from “Motormouth and Killpower” (1992)
This one wins the obscurity award.
“Motormouth and Killpower” was a 1992 comic book title from Marvel UK, the British-only offshoot of Marvel Comics. They were responsible for some convoluted but entertaining titles such as “Death’s Head II,” “Hell’s Angel,” and “The Mys-Tech Wars.” For fans of non-canonical comics featuring frequent guest spots from Spider-Man, and a healthy dose of mythological weirdness, Marvel UK is the place to go.
Motormouth, née Harley Davis, was a just another foul-mouthed British grrl-punk living in violent destitution on the streets of London, when she was selected by a shadowy government organization to test out a DNA-based matter transporter that they called Mind-Operated Personal Dematerialization, or MOPeD. It was essentially a pair of magical sneakers that could, on a whim, transport you to alternate realities. It was like wearing controllable Quantum Leapers. Plus, since it was based on Harley’s DNA, no one else could use them, giving them a natural theft deterrent.
Motormouth was already pretty damn cool (what British punk grrl isn’t?), but giving her quantum leap sneakers only upped her cool quotient. Indeed, when a muscle-bound assassin, Killpower, was sent after her, he was so taken with her character that they became friends instead. In this age where almost every comic book is being considered for a feature film, this is one title I could actually muster some enthusiasm about.
4) American Maid’s high heels
from “The Tick” (1994)
The Tick, our stalwart hero, while going on patrol through The City with his nervous but trusty sidekick Arthur, would frequently run into other defenders of justice, and, between foiling bizarro plans for world domination, become fast friends with them. He was especially fond Die Fledermaus, The Sewer Urchin, and, the most efficient of the bunch, American Maid (Kay Lenz).
American Maid was a good crimefighter, often one step ahead of The Tick, and eager to get into fights. One of her signature moves was removing her spiked, high-heeled shoes, and flinging them at bad guys, pinning them to walls. You may argue that there is nothing special about those shoes, and it was the flinging that made them notable, but I would like to argue that those shoes were most certainly specially designed, weighted, and sharpened to fulfill their function as crimefighting weapons. I picture American Maid in her secret hideout, practicing, while she shapes, reshapes and meticulously designs these special high heels for both optimum throwing potential, and sexy fashion power.
Like Batman’s little bat-shaped throwing stars, you’d be pleased to be struck down by one of American Maid’s high heeled shoes.
3) Stompers
from “Super Mario Bros.” (1993)
Say what you will, I will defend this movie. I think it is wild, creative and fun. I think it’s off-the-wall and incredibly enjoyable. I may have written essays on the brilliance of Ozu (http://witneyman.wordpress.com/2007/09/28/tokyo-story/), or deconstructed the religious significance of Bergman’s “The Seventh Seal,” (http://witneyman.wordpress.com/2007/05/10/the-seventh-seal/) but I will put my critical reputation on the line to defend “Super Mario Bros.”
And one of the reasons I would have to say, however shallow this may sound, was those awesome-ass, heavy metal flying boots that Mario and Luigi got to wear. They were capable of floating you short distances, yes, but they seemed heavy and standoffish; the wearers of Stompers were not only able to fly, but were way, way cool.
When you put on a heavy pair of boots, and you begin clomping around the dancefloor, you somehow feel tougher, bigger, taller, more powerful. A good outfit can make you feel sexy and strong, but a good heavy pair of metal, kick-ass, flying boots can make you feel fucking invincible.
2) Pee-Wee Herman’s platform shoes
from “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” (1986)
And if you need cool shoes that make you feel invincible and powerful, and make you cooler on the dance floor, look no further than those large, white platform shoes worm by Pee-Wee Herman in that famous barroom scene in “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.” Pee-Wee is a 98-pound, mincing man-child who could be knocked over by a stiff breeze. He’s not the kind to get in a fight. When he finds himself in the clutches of an angry mob of horrible Hell’s Angels, his only recourse is to charm them. He makes a last request that he be allowed to perform. He borrows a pair of incongruously beautiful platform shoes and gets up on the bar.
What follows is one of our childhood’s most memorable dance sequences, as Pee-Wee cavorts and stiffly shimmies in front of the toughs to the strains of The Champs’ 1958 hit “Tequila.” And while he swans about, merrily breaking beer mugs, our eyes never leave the rhinestone-encrusted beauties gracing his feet. What great, classy shoes. Magic shoes that deflect anger and make you awesome.
1) The Ruby Slippers
from “The Wizard of Oz” (1939)
Of course, the most famous and most notable film shoes are The Ruby Slippers from “The Wizard of Oz.” Once belonging to a witch, and now gracing the feet of pretty Kansas girl Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland), these shoes are dainty, pretty little things that every girl coveted, and every boy envied. In addition to adding spunk and magic to an otherwise dowdy life, The Ruby Slippers were also possessed of an ineffable magic power.
But Dorothy was such a gentle soul, that she never thought to use the slippers, or was even interested in learning how they worked. She was far more interested in accumulating friends, asking favors, and generally being polite and calm. When the slippers finally were used for magical purposes, they were only used to send Dorothy back to Kansas, where she could live in bliss with her extended family.
Legitimate film icons, the Ruby Slippers have graced the consciousnesses of generations. The actual props used in the filming of the 1939 classic are currently on display at The Smithsonian Museum. Few shoes have that distinction.
Honorable Mentions:
The Red Shoes from “The Red Shoes”
Christmas Shoes from the NewSong song
Glass Slippers from “Cinderella”
The skates from “L.A. Story”
The Coyote’s Rocket skates from “Beep, Beep”
Richard Greico’s wall-walking shoes from “If Looks Could Kill”
Lisa’s Mechanical tap shoes from “The Simpsons”
Hermes’ sneakers from “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief”
The Really Big Mutant Shoe from “Freaked”
Gravity boots from “Star Trek VI” and “Star Trek V”
The Kinky Boots from “Kinky Boots”
Those magnetic prison boots in “Face/Off”
Lil’s shoes from “Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me”
Sherilyn Fenn’s sexy shoes from “Twin Peaks”
Stilt Man
Bamboo Boogie Boots from “Futurama”
Anything the Leningrad Cowboys wore
The “Bayonetta” witch’s gun shoes
Lisbath Salander’s shoes from the end of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
Elton John’s megafeet in “Tommy”
Maxwell Smart’s telephone shoe.
Witney Seibold is not a foot fetishist living in the western portion of the United States. He writes a lot, reads a lot, and occasionally talks to other people. He can whip up a mean batch of cookies. When he’s not being erudite, he maintains his very own ‘blog, where he comments on films of the day, writes extended essays on classic films, maintains a Series Project, and makes only a few typographical errors. Read it here: http://witneyman.wordpress.com/
