This Geek In Netflix: Vampegeddon

Last week, I ended my review of Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl with a prayer that the next week’s movie would be better… you know, without girls screwing arms to their heads.  Maybe one that had a male lead that looked less like the Asian version of Tommy Wiseau.

It didn’t work.

Sure, there were no women with eyeballs for nipples, no blood drops bringing repressed nurses to orgasm, and the opening credits weren’t set to a “vampire girl” drilling into a girl’s vaginal orifice with a giant sword.  But I’m not sure that I feel particularly blessed by this.

“Vampegeddon” (Yes, that is the title.  No, I am not making this up.) is a horror(?) movie released in 2010 by the same writer who brought you titles such as “Return to Yucca Flats: Desert Man-Beast” and “The Rainbow Avenger” and was directed by the producer of “The Death Factory Bloodletting.”  (Names have been omitted because, really, it’s not like you’re going to know who they are anyway.)

Now, you may be asking yourself, “What prompted her to click on, and actually watch, a movie titled ‘Vampegeddon?'”

Honestly, I saw the title and the cover and assumed there’d be loads of tits and blood, and maybe even blood on tits.  I counted seven pairs of tits (Undead tits: 4; Real tits: 2; Really fake tits: 1) and a mild amount of blood. I still feel shortchanged by the whole viewing.  But let’s get started.

The opening scene, at a location I can’t even begin to rant about, depicts a man and woman walking dramatically through a “ghost town” (again, not going to rant) while a narrator informs us that, once Stoker’s Dracula was published in the late 1800s, vampires began to flee Europe as the public’s level of “vampire awareness” had risen too high.

One “Master Giovanni” decides to take his vampire posse to America and settle in Arizona.  In the desert.  Because they wanted to work on their tans, you know, like vampires do.  (Christ, these people can blow me.)  One “Mr. Longshank” decides to pursue “Giovanni” to the “desert” and “fight.”

Vampires… in… spaaaaaace!!

This fight is one of my favorite scenes in the movie because they go into (what attempts to look like) outer space. 

They battle, they both die.  There’s a tragic greenscreening incident.

Flashforward to present day (if anything in Arizona can be refered to as “present day”), we encounter Mel and Mona, two goth girls that have wardrobed in everything Hot Topic has ever made, and we listen to them complain about the “normal” residents of Arizona and how “they don’t understand us.”

Then we’re introduced to the other characters (one who is picked up from a “Chicken Shack,” whose motto I can only assume is “All the cock you can eat”) and we follow them around their Arizona hellhole as they get all gothed out and lament their gothy lot in life.

This sounds like a normal day with goth kids, I know (trust me, I KNOW), but Mel (described as a gorgeous, goth, lesbian, college student in the movie summary– ALL BASES = COVERED), has decided to turn to the dark arts to escape Arizona.  Her escape plan, well, it involves her growing a pair.  Of fangs.

FUUUUUUUUUUU!

Which means that she whines and bitches at the other characters until they agree to put on $5 capes from Party City and sit out in the desert and chant things that begin with such phrases as: “Let the coming of the night provide a cover for the Nosferatu, we invoke your power in blood and desire,” and the much-loved, “The time of the pagans is at hand, persecution has necessitated the need for this tome, this canticle, this ship breaching the ether, the pale light of the penumbra glows feebly and we are weak.”    

And then they drink each other’s blood.

The flying stake of justice.

Now, this movie could have gone on forever, cycling as Mel and Mona put on more and more weight and start working at the local hair salon, bemoaning their sad, isolated existence, but Mel happens to find a book at a garage sale that contains a spell for summoning vampires.

It’s actually a little more complicated than that.

See, she was angsting away, walking down an alley, and a garage door swung open.  This man she has never met starts giving her shit about how she walked by his closed garage and didn’t come inside to look at his stuff, and he pressures her to come inside.  She says, “Oh, okay.”

“Oh, okay”??  How easy is it to get goth girls in your garage like this?  (If you have any experience in this matter or want to temporarily loan me your garage so I can, uh, experiment, send me an email at garage_rape@gmail.com.)

Whatever she’s doing, she’s doing it well.

After she leaves, vampires spring up and the last time we see him he’s in orgasmic throes of passion, being sucked dry by four topless pale chicks.

…so that happened.

Now, before I launch into the lessons learned in this movie, I’d like to comment on how 75% of the dialogue is dubbed.  There are lips moving and nothing is coming out, then there are lips moving and not matching the words, then there are lips moving and the person is… whispering?  And the volume levels are all over the place like nobody’s business.  I was constantly having to adjust the sound on my computer.

The sound effects, when there are any, are also dismal.  The soundtrack is a mix between Drowning Pool and Disturbed, with a little bit of Linkin Park thrown in.  Meaning that none of it is actually good, but all of it is so appropriately stereotypical that it… works(?).

Technical, sound, acting, plot, writing, wardrobe, and make-up aspects aside, there are five very important lessons to be learned from this movie.

5 Very Important Lessons To Be Learned From This Movie

LESSON #1: The only way out of Arizona is to become a vampire.

Listen!  LISTEN!!

LESSON #2: Don’t blow your entire special effects budget on a glowing blue light.  This isn’t Ocarina of Time.

LESSON #3: Vampires can totally Falcon Punch.

LESSON #4: Vampires actually shit pentagrams.  And flames.  PENTAGRAMS AND FLAMES, PEOPLE!

LESSON #5: Bitches can’t be trusted.

Bitch, please!

While I believe these lessons are truly valuable, I’m not sure if actually watching the movie is worth the knowledge they impart.  Yes, there were several times where I was provoked into surprised laughter, but each of those times had to do with the movie reaching new levels of crapfestivity.  

As always, this movie is available on Netflix on Demand for your viewing pleasure(?).  My deeply personal recommendation: get your art film critic friends to watch this movie so you can watch their eyes bleed.  I already have my intended victim all lined up.