This Geek In Netflix: Suck
Sometimes, a movie comes along that makes you weep those proverbial tears of joy. Sometimes, a movie comes along that moves you deep, deep inside. Sometimes, however, a movie so great comes along and you end up typing at Matt Kelly in capital letters over Facebook IM, screaming in near orgasmic bliss and confusion.
This movie was the latter, obviously. I mean, yeah, I’m a bit full of non sequiturs, but it’d just make absolutely no sense if I turned around and said, “And this movie was just kinda okay.”
Suck hit the film festival circuit in 2009 and worked its way through 2010, winning the Audience Choice Award for both the Whistler Film Festival (2009) and the Calgary Underground Film Festival (2010), while also snagging the silver medal for Best Canadian Feature at the 2010 Fantasia Film Festival and the Outstanding Achievement in Filmmaking award at the 2010 Newport Beach Film Festival.
There’s a “seeing red” joke here, somewhere. If only I could find it.
Okay, who knew that Newport Beach had a film festival (Editor’s Note: I did. Gay By Dawn played there in 2005)? I thought they only had boats and sea food restaurants. Oh, and a Condom Revolution. Fuck yeah, Newport, you get down with your naughty side.
For those of you who caught my review of Kiss of the Vampire, you know how I feel about vanity projects (AKA: when the writer/producer gives themselves the lead role in their movie), but Rob Stefaniuk did not only the role he assigned himself well, but the script, especially for what it was, was amazing.
The amusing part is, this is a Capri Films movie. No joke.
The writing was nearly consistently tight throughout the film, beautiful, beautiful lines that nearly had me falling over with laughter. (The good kind. You know, when you’re laughing with something as opposed to at it? That happens sometimes.)
This film sorta broke my brain with its cast. Here’s an excerpt of an actual conversation I had with Mr. Matt Kelly over IM while I was watching this movie:
AM: WHAT THE FUCK
AM: WHAT THE FUUUCK
AM: MY BRAIN IS BREAKING
AM: SAVE ME MATTHEW
AM: OH MY FUCKING GOD
AM: LOOK AT THIS!!!
AM: LOOOOOOOK AT THIS!!!
AM: I CAN’T FUCKING HANDLE THIS
AM: LOOK AT THE CAST
AM: LOOK WHAT THEY DIIIIIIIID
MK: oh wow
AM: WHAT THE FUCK
MK: hahaha
AM: I can’t even deal with this right now.
You don’t believe me? I’ll send you a screen shot. That’ll teach you to question my overuse of caps-lock when I’m excited.
Could she be any hotter? I’m thinking no.
So let’s take a walk through this cast. We’ve got Jessica Pare as Jennifer, the bassist and back up singer of the band “The Winners”, who you would know as Megan Calvet from Mad Men. We have Nicole de Boer as Susan, the ball-crushing girlfriend of the band’s lead singer, Joey (Stefaniuk), who you possibly had a crush on for her role as Ezri Dax from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. (Personally, I say fuck DSN, but I hear that some people liked it.)
Oh, and then we have:
Iggy Pop.
Alice Cooper (who bartends and can *read your mind*).
Dave Foley.
Moby, singing some sort of thrash metal while having raw meat thrown at him by fans.
And Henry Rollins.
(Side Note: Dear 1990s Henry Rollins, I want to do dirty, dirty things with you. If I had a time machine and an ability to override potential restraining orders, I’d be a *very* happy girl.)
There’s various other musical cameos, but we’re going to leave it at the ones I actually took screen caps of. For dramatic effect and all.
The movie’s plot line is such: failing rock band’s back-up singer/bassist, Jennifer (Pare), goes home with Queeny, a (male) vampire, after meeting him at a gig. Aerosmith’s “Jaded” music video ensues.
Disclaimer: Not Aerosmith, just adorable.
Oh, yeah, this is a semi-musical. Most of the songs make sense, as there’s bands playing and all that. However, sometimes it’s just like Stefaniuk said, “Fuck this ‘dialogue’ crap, it’s time to rock!” And they did.
Continuing on with the plot line, Jennifer mysteriously shows up to the next venue all gorgeously gothed out and wows the audience with her sexy vampness. Sexy vamp hijinks ensue, starting in a convenience store with the most amazing death-by-vampire scene that I’ve ever seen in my life.
Also of note: this movie also has the most amazing slaying of a vampire I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
Are you swooning? I’m swooning. You’re probably masturbating.
As various musical cameos are made, we are introduced to Eddie VanHelsig, vampire hunter. He wears sunglasses and an eyepatch, so you know he’s double-cool. Mr. VenHelsig is on a mission to destroy Queeny, the vampire that bit Jennifer, to satisfy his need to revenge his lovely young… love.
This movie was nothing short of amazing. Seriously. It’s not some work of high cinema, it’s an awesome, colorful, totally irreverent comedy with a near-complete focus on the musical– not only in the choice of actors, but subtle lines of dialogue that Stefaniuk tastefully drops into the scenes. All things considered, it’s fun, and it’s way smarter than it has any right to be.
Oh, Hugo. Oh, dear Hugo. <3 <3 <3
Try it yourself. Fire it up on Netflix on Demand, watch the first ten minutes, and honestly tell me it wasn’t enjoyable. If you get to the convenience store scene (about 28 minutes in) and you aren’t toppling over from laughter, I’m pretty convinced that you have no soul.
Jonathan London, this excludes you. I’m already convinced you have no soul (Editor’s Note: What’s a soul?).
