This Geek In Netflix: Muoi, the Legend of a Portrait
Hrm. Intro. I like puppies.
In late 2007, Muoi: The Legend of a Portrait was released and, according to Wikipedia (which is always suspect to me), was the second horror film to be released in Vietnam (the first being Haunted House/Ghost Stream) and garnered the first under-16 ban rating for disturbing imagery and violence.
I’d name the actors but, much like with Vampires, no one is going to know who they are anyway. I’d also like to declare that Asians don’t have feelings (much like Europeans), but I don’t want to be the victim of some “accident” involving chopsticks. So… ASIANS ARE AWESOME! <( ^_^ )>
Look at how awesome he is!
Now, this part is usually where I write up a plot summary, but I think you’re going to get my notes on the beginning instead.
Open with credits while panning through forest, then monster-lady jumps down and movie begins.
Tranny! No, not a trannny. So confused. Not-a-tranny runs down street and wanders into a temple. Smoke sweeps up from her feet, she drops her lantern, something from above swings down as she screams in despair. DESPAAAAIRRRR!
Not the possible tranny.
Okay, back to the actual article.
Yoonhee (spelling is variable depending on translator, article, or database you are accessing but, uh… *(^o^)*) is a young Korean novelist who has, through help of her long-distance friend in Vietnam, Seoyeon, developed a mild obsession with turning the Curse of Muoi (more in a minute, simmer the hell down) into a best-selling novel.
We meet aforementioned novelist as she receives the third degree about Seoyeon from one of her cunty friends and leaner-on boyfriend and about her upcoming trip to Vietnam to do research for her novel. After taunting her a second time, the cunty friend gets Yoonhee to take her camera, which comes into play later.
Not that I’m going to talk about it in this article. But if you’re planning on watching this thing and keeping track of inanimate objects, that’s one to pay attention to.
I need a fancy Vietnamese vacation house.
Back in l’abode de Yoonhee (that’s French for the house of Mistress Yoonhee the Mighty), we get to hear the answering machine recording of Yoonhee’s editor threatening her over the needed story. She decides to flee the country.
I lied. (I do that a lot. You’ll get used to it.) She goes to Vietnam (as previously mentioned– please pay attention) to pursue research for her book. Chae Seoyeon, the giraffe-necked wonder who Yoonhee hasn’t seen in three years, meets her at the airport, and takes her on the city’s official Muoi Tour.
Giraffe. Neck.
I lied again– there is no official Muoi Tour. You should probably spank me for such naughtiness.
On the unofficial Muoi Tour, Seoyeon guides Yoonhee to a wall of photographs in some… park(?). I’ve never heard of this, but good for them for erecting a wall outside and putting framed photographs on it. Anyhow, Yoonhee (and therefore we) learn about how Muoi was born a normal child (even though her name means “ten”), and how when Muoi became a ghost, monks had to be called in to seal her spirit into a painting to keep her contained.
Because, you know, paintings aren’t easy to destroy or anything. No, sir.
Seoyeon also informs us that Muoi has the power to curse on the 15th night of the month when there is a full moon (I curse during certain times of the month too) and that the curse lasts for 15 days (poor girl).
When Yoonhee questions what the curse actually does and where the witnesses are, Seoyeon says that she doesn’t know what the curse is, but all victims of the curse are certainly dead. Suspicous conversation follows, leaving us all with the knowledge that something isn’t right with Seoyeon, but Yoonhee isn’t socially adept enough to catch it.
Awkward vacation photo.
They get a room at a hotel and, while the little creepster sleeps, Yoonhee experiences ringing doorbells and showers that turn themselves on. (I turn myself on all the time. But usually not, you know, while cameras are running.)
There is, of course, a second ghost reveal. Now, this is 13 minutes in (OOOoOOOoOOooOOO) and we’ve seen the ghost twice. Not exactly a suspense-builder, is it?
The next day, they head to l’abode du Seoyeon le creepster (the house of Seoyeon the creepster) and have a typical Bluebeard set-up. You know, the moment when some creeptastic creeper says “Don’t go into that part of the castle/house/shack, it’s where I do perfectly innocent things, but it’s my special place”? And then they smile like they’re already planning about anally raping you with a loaf of banana bread next time you sleep? That thing.
She has memorized the recipe for banana bread.
The legend of Muoi and her curse is revealed later that day on a romantic boatride that ends at Muoi’s old cottage. Before Muoi became a ghost, the tale goes, she was a humble peasant girl who fell in love with an artist who tragically had to leave her after starting her portrait because he was engaged. Inconveinent, that.
What was more inconveinent was that this fiancee was psychotic and decided to have Muoi’s legs broken immediately before throwing a jar full of acid onto her face. Horribly scarred from this incident (and not just psychologically), Muoi decided that she could not chase after her love with her newly gained physical deformity and instead hung herself in order to turn herself into a ghost and get revenge. (AKA: bitches be crazy.)
Probably not the best day of her life.
Seoyeon wanders outside and lets Yoonhee explore the property alone. As alone as she could be, given that she’s being fucking haunted by a crazy ghostbitch.
The film degrades (as much as this film could degrade– it’s pretty much a flatline the entire way through) to where you’d expect: Yoonhee continues to get spooked by spooky things while pursuing her research and Seoyeon continues to be a creeper. Eventually there’s the obvious reveal and the obvious end– which I felt was amateurly done.
Nothing to do with any of the surrounding text. Carry on.
This movie is, while not exactly slow, terribly disjointed. I’m not sure if the fault lies with the screen-writer, the editor, or the translator (or all three), as the subtitling is pretty damn bad and leads one (me) to believe that with as many spelling and grammatical errors as I caught upon first reading, the content of the translation itself may be dodgy.
Overall, was this movie worth watching? Seoyeon was hot in that creepy, Wednesday Adams sorta way that I really appreciate… but did it really make up for the lukewarmness of this movie? Does my creation of “lukewarmness” offend anyone? These are things you’ll have to answer for yourself, though I’m not really going to encourage anyone to queue this corpse up on Netflix.
