by Allisonnnnn Wednesday 25th July 2012

This Geek in Netflix: Carnival of Souls

After a series of unfortunate events that caused one too many reschedulings of happy-fun-time, I was pissed.  Absolutely pissed.  Pissed and annoyed and ranting to an ex-boyfriend about the vagaries of men who can’t manage their own schedules.

So I thought that, instead of attempting to find a good movie to watch, I’d go straight to something that I could release my very pent up frustration upon.  I dug through Netflix Instant with a fervor that could be likened to my occasional desperate (and often disappointing) hunt for AAA batteries.

Probably has nothing to do with the above paragraph.

But I wasn’t ready for the level of frustration that Wes Craven’s Carnival of Souls conveyed.  Released in 1998, CoS is touted on Netflix as being the story of a young girl, Alex (Bobbie Phillips) who witnesses her mother being raped and killed by a clown (who then comes back to seek revenge on the grown trauma victim).

I now address Netflix thusly:

FUCK YOU, NETFLIX.  RAPED AND MURDERED BY A CLOWN?!  HE WASN’T EVEN IN CLOWN MAKE-UP AND THERE WAS NO GODDAMNED RAPE. FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOU.

“Rape time?” No, Alex, it’s disappointment time.

Not only was there no rape, Alex is absolutely convinced that the clown, Louis Seagram (Larry Miller), was coming back to get her.  You know, tie up loose ends.

First off, where’s his motivation?  Look, I understand the wanting to bang both the mother and the daughter.  That’s a thing.  Hell, if I could get away with an attractive dad/son combo, I’d do it.  But he didn’t even bang the mom so it’s not like there’s this awesome double-package deal.

Secondly, it’s revealed decently early on that not only is the clown dead, but that Alex is having hallucination after hallucination with hallucinations inside the hallucinations inside those hallucinations.

It’s fucking Clown Inception.

Basically my expression throughout the film.

With all this tear-inducing madness, there are two vaguely bright rays of sunshine in here.  One, Sandra Grant, Alex’s younger sister, is played by Shawnee Smith.  That name may sound familiar if you’re a fan of the Saw franchise, as Smith plays Amanda Young, Jigsaw’s apprentince.  Two, the male love interest, Michael, is played by Paul Johansson.  In my world, he’s just boneably hot but in the OMG teen girl world, however, he’s One Tree Hill’s Dan Scott.

So if you like your movies without clownrape, this is the film for you.