The Vampire/Werewolf Teams We Actually Care About

Is there a pop culture conundrum more absurdly pointless than Team Edward vs. Team Jacob? Well, let’s consider what it is that they’re vying over. For whatever reason, both of these guys have lives that revolve around Twilight’s heroine Bella. And while I agree it’s nice that a female character is the center of attention in a fantasy franchise, what narrative function does she serve? All she basically ever does is get yanked around by her emotions over these two guys. Her life gets put in danger because of her involvement with one of them, they both work to protect her because of it, and they each drag their respective families/communities into the quagmire.

And who is Bella, exactly? What does she do that’s so great?

Um, not much really. She wants Edward, she wants to be with Edward, she gets to be with Edward (lying in a picturesque field of flowers, no less), she tries to persuade Edward to both take her virginity and make her a vampire, both of which Edward is unwilling to do. She flirts with Jacob, she refuses Jacob, she’s attracted to Jacob, she rejects Jacob because of Edward. She exists to pine over the objects of her affection, to be placed in danger, and to be squabbled over by them.

Her big contribution to the fight in the latest movie’s climax? She cuts herself so the blood will distract the vampires about to kill Edward. Yes, her big strategy is to bleed for attention.

Let’s all take a step back and a deep breath and appreciate the fact that in a major Hollywood picture a teenaged girl solves a problem by cutting herself.

Aaaaaaaand…moving on.

There’s one scene in the latest movie that perfectly illustrates my whole problem with the franchise. Edward and Jacob take Bella up the side of a mountain to hide her from the evil vampires who are coming. Of course none of them thought to check a weather forecast, or to remember that mountaintops are naturally colder than the surrounding landscape, so when a storm shows up, Bella starts to freeze. In the tent, room temperature Edward can’t warm her, so hot shirtless Jacob (seriously, it’s a driving blizzard and he is, in fact, shirtless) crawls into her sleeping bag to warm her up.

What’s truly ridiculous is that after climbing in with her, Jacob and Edward have a lengthy discussion about which of them is right for her. For about ten minutes. They have a calm, reasoned argument with her lying asleep between them. They somehow manage to not wake her up with a lengthy discussion about her and how much they love her and who should be with her.

We’ve crossed the line into full blown fantasy here, where the impossibly hot ciphers argue over who gets to bed the insipid wellspring of eternal need.

In the world of Twilight, Team Jacob and Team Edward make sense. For the rest of us who look at things in a broader context, let’s look at some teams that we might actually want to join. Bella may like these two prancing lightweights, but the rest of us deserve better, don’t you think?

Team Spike

As Seen In: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Look: Post modern Billy Idol in a cool leather trench coat.
Fun Factor: Whether he has a soul or not, Spike is probably the most fun creature of the night on this list. Whether he’s drinking from the neck of a whiskey bottle or a virgin, he drinks HARD. Which is pretty much how he likes to do everything. Pop-culture savvy, witty, and possessing a wicked sense of humor, Spike treats the world like it’s one gigantic pub crawl, complete with bar fights. Try and keep up.
Badass Level: Scrapper. Not an especially elegant or refined fighter, Spike comes off like the world’s greatest soccer hooligan. He fights largely for the enjoyment of it, but is in it to win it. Which he usually does.
Appeal: To quote the Buffybot: ‘You should see him naked. I mean, really.’ Factor in a less vanilla persona that reaches from broken furniture to handcuffs (for those who like that sort of thing) and Edward comes off like a game of Parcheesi in the church rec center by comparison. He’s also quite devoted when he develops affection for someone, the kind of guy who’d literally kill for or die for the right girl. Emphasis on literally. Also writes poetry.
Drawbacks: Can you say ‘perpetually hung up on ex-girlfriends?’ Spike could, but he’s too busy moping over one of them to lift his head. As much as he likes to tear around like he doesn’t care about anything, Spike gets seriously hung up on women. Drinking binges, stalking, and trashy, meaningless rebound sex (sorry, Harmony) are frequent. Also writes poetry.

Team Blade

As Seen In: Blade, Blade II, Blade Trinity
Look: Swat team gearhead wrapped up in a black overcoat and Celtic tribal body art.
Fun Factor: Blade doesn’t have much time for fun, but he’s not without a sense of humor. But, as the self-appointed scourge of the vampire underworld, that sense of humor tends to be pretty nasty, and includes things like trick sword handles that slice your fingers off. So unless you’re along for the ride to help him pop as many suckheads as he can, don’t expect to have too good a time.
Badass Level: Ultimate. Seriously, if it’s undead, Blade will find a way to kill it. If that way doesn’t exist, he’ll invent it. He’s tricked out with an arsenal that gets Soldier of Fortune editors half-mast just at hearing his name. Guns, swords, stakes, his bare hands – Blade has no shortage of tools or talent to take out his opponents.
Appeal: Grim and gritty in that Clint Eastwood kind of way. Supremely confident and capable, and literally doesn’t give a crap what anybody thinks, which can be appealing. Plus, if you have any kind of a weapon fetish, you’re set.
Drawbacks: Like most men, Blade only has one thing on his mind. Unlike most men, that one thing is killing vampires. No time for love, hell, no time for sleep even, which precludes him owning a bed. You can do the math.

Team Eric

As Seen In: True Blood
Look: Former Viking turned immortal CK model.
Fun Factor: Not afraid to live up (or perhaps down) to people’s expectations, Eric knows how to sell sleaze and fetishism. As a specialty vampire fetish nightclub owner, sleaze and twisted sex are his business, and business is good. Whether you enjoy it on its own merits or as tongue in cheek trash, Eric brings the kink.
Badass Level: Largely a schemer and a conniver, Eric still isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty or his hair mussed when the occasion calls for it. A businessman and community leader, Eric usually prefers to let his minions or social pressure do the heavy lifting. But he isn’t above ripping the head off of some dopey human. Especially one that messes up his highlights.
Appeal: A user and abuser, for those who like that sort of thing. Another non-vanilla type, typical relationship patterns seem to include banging girls senseless, drinking their blood, having them drink some of his, sharing them with his vampire pals, forgetting their name, never calling them, and periodically re-using them until they walk away or get used up. The latter of which may involve dying. It seems there may be a few people that Eric DOES in fact care about, but that list can probably be counted on the fingers of one hand. Again, some people find that kind of thing attractive.
Drawbacks: Totally self-centered and possesses complete disdain for those he considers inferior. Which is pretty much everyone.

Team Severen

As Seen In: Near Dark
Look: Okie shitkicker badass/Mickey Knox prototype.
Fun Factor: Depends on what you call fun. If your definition includes running from the law in winnebagos, mass murder, burning down buildings, and raging gunfights, get ready for a hoot and a half.
Badass Level: Stone-cold nearly indestructible psycho. Will slit your throat for a giggle, a pint, or preferably both. A bit of a bully, but still courageous when facing bad odds. Hard as nails, vicious, and has a violent flair to his kills. Run him over with a semi and he’ll claw his way up the grille to get at you. Pull a gun on him and he’ll slit your throat with his boot spurs.
Appeal: Charming and cocky, the kind of guy who’d probably make a good drinking buddy, provided you like O-positive. Naturally contemptuous and superior to most other people, being accepted by him takes work, and feels validating. Loyal to only the immediate members of his little vampire coven, and lethal to everyone else, being his partner gets you a supremely confident and dangerous ally.
Drawbacks: Not above picking fights with the weak and ignorant, in fact, it’s what he prefers. A natural sadist, Severen takes pleasure in abusing anyone he considers weaker than him, which is most folks. Will rip open the neck of the skuzziest barfly and then complain the guy didn’t shave.

Team David

As Seen In: An American Werewolf In London
Look: Early 80s middle class collegiate Semitic East Coaster.
Fun Factor: Glib, witty, and entertaining, David’s a nice, good natured schnook with a run of genuinely abysmal luck. When the chips are up he’s good company. When they’re not expect to put up with a lot of whingeing.
Badass Level: When human? Kind of like a young Albert Brooks. During a full moon? Walking death to anyone he comes across. Worse still, those David kills and (presumably) partially consumes are damned to walk the Earth as the ghosts of slowly rotting corpses until he himself dies or is killed. In short, this guy is such bad news he will continue to ruin your shit AFTER he kills you.
Appeal: Intelligent, youthful and charming, David is a solid-seeming future middle-classer with good white collar prospects. He’s not the hottest thing on Earth, but he’s intelligent, educated, and in shape. He also has some deep seated neuroses and personal traumas, so if you’re the Florence Nightingale type that loves to console and psychoanalyze, this is your guy.
Drawbacks: Rampant paranoia, and recurring vivid nightmares, so be ready for lots of crazy mood shifts and sleepless nights. Plus, on those mornings after his monthly episodes, count on the awkwardness of having to bring him clothes to wherever he actually wakes up.

Team Jerry

As Seen In: Fright Night
Look: 80s yuppie-style prince of darkness
Fun Factor: Provided you don’t know who or what he is, Jerry could probably be considered to be a fairly good time until he sinks his teeth into you. A snappy dresser and a swell dancer, affable enough when you first meet him, and Reagan-era slick.
Badass Level: Immortal bloodsucker. Here to make corpses, not friends. Will steal your girlfriend, drink her dry, then have his zombie henchman leave her headless corpse behind a dumpster. If you’re lucky. If you’re not, expect to see her come at you with yellow eyes and a malformed jaw some dark night.
Appeal: All surface and not much else, but that surface is immaculately coiffed, manicured, and dressed. The real seduce and destroy type (literally), charming and ingratiating without ever being too forceful about it. Collects conquests over centuries, so being singled out for his attention could be kind of flattering, which again, is part of his game. Charismatic in the most sociopathic way possible, though some of that is probably attributable to a talent for hypnosis. But if it works, does it matter?
Drawbacks: Jerry gets extremely ugly when he gets angry. LITERALLY. Goes from normal to fugly in seconds, and when he does he makes Max Shrek look pretty. Only cares about his own needs, and objectifies pretty much everyone.

Team Oz

As Seen In: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Look: 90’s indie rock street cred with a smattering of geek chic.
Fun Factor: Oz is a laid back good time, the kind of guy who says maybe one or two sentences over the course of an evening, but they’re usually hilarious and worth the wait.
Badass Level: Not exactly tearing his way through the underworld, but a game and willing fighter for the good guys 27 nights out of the month. The other three, he lives under lock and key. A good lock and the occasional tranquilizer dart are enough to keep him in the kennel most times.
Appeal: Plays guitar. Not great, but well enough. Effortless looking hair. Laconic, but witty in small, pithy doses, Oz epitomizes a kind of ‘quiet cool’ with supreme ease and quiet confidence. Or something. Loyal, courageous, and affectionate. Yes, we know, like a dog.
Drawbacks: That dog? It’s a Pekingese. Oz stands at 5’4”. Also, not always so loyal. Let him get a sniff of another of his breed and it’ll be someone else’s leg he starts to hump.