The Top Ten Gayest Robots In Pop Culture History
While there has always been a lack of central gay characters in sci-fi and fantasy, for some reason it seems robots have been filling the role of the token queer for decades. In a way this makes sense, since robots aren’t people and in that way, writers and producers of genre fare can include “the gay” without any mention of the icky sex part. So on the eve of the release of the latest robot epic Terminator: Salvation, I present the Top Ten Gayest Robots in Pop Culture,counting down from number ten. And speaking of the Terminator, coming in at number Ten….
#10: The T-800 from The Terminator Series
“Not Arnold!” you might say. Yes, Arnold may be the very epitome of hetero manliness, but the T-800 is a pretty queer robot. Let’s look at the evidence: first off, in James Cameron’s original Terminator movie, the first place Arnie shows up in the 20th Century is in a park in the middle of the night, buck naked. He then proceeds to ask some young men to remove their clothing. I don’t know about you, but in my world, we call that cruising. Then when he finally finds some clothes to wear, he always chooses outfits that make him look like the leather daddy in the Village People. And then there’s that body; muscles that suggest he might live at the Skynet Gym back in his own time. All of this is adding up to the T-800 being queer as a three dollar bill.
#9: Voltron
Voltron was part of the 80’s trends of both transforming robots and anime imports. Voltron was never quite as popular as the Transformers, but at least he wasn’t a Go-Bot. Although he doesn’t have a personality of his own per se, he is made up of 5 different men (all with fabulous hair) who “link up” to form him. True, eventually one of the men was replaced with a woman, but she wore hot pink. So it still counts as queer in my book. And when they do assemble him, they form him using not planes or cars or other such manly things, but multi colored lions. And to top it all off, he forms a flaming sword. In one word: Gay.
#8: The Lesbian Robots From That Bjork Video
In 1997, singer Bjork released a video for her song “All Is Full Of Love” directed by Chris Cunningham. This was back when MTV played videos and not stupid reality shows about people everyone hates, and occasionally actual money and thought went into these little three minute movies. The whole concept of this video is a sexual awakening moment between two cleary female robots (I say clearly because they both have boobies). Great song, even better video, they don’t make ’em like this anymore kids. A side note, the basic look of these robots were totally ripped off by that dreadful movie I, Robot. The robots in that movie don’t have any sexuality I think, making the Bjork ones totally better by default.
#7: The Tin Man
I suppose whether or not he’s really a robot or not is open to debate, but he’s a man made out of metal, so fuck it…I’m counting him. Aside from starring in one of the all time favorite films of many a gay man, his signature song “If I Only Had a Heart” has lyrics that go like this:
I’d be tender, I’d be gentle
And awful sentimental
Regarding love and art
I’d be friends with the sparrows
And the boy that shoots the arrows
If I only had a heart
Yeah, the “boy who shoots the arrows” indeed. The only reason the Tin Man doesn’t seem quite as gay to some is only because he is out-fagged in his own movie by the Cowardly Lion.
#6: Rosie From The Jetsons
Continuing a long tradition of seemingly gay Hanna Barbera cartoon characters, Rosie may have indeed been the first dykey toon from that particular studio. Heavy on the sarcasm, and always able to fix things around the house (that George was pretty useless). She always seemed to dote more on Jane and Judy Jetson, and more or less always just got irritated by the Jetson men. I can’t help but wonder if Rosie O’Donnell based her entire personality on Rosie the Robot, they share so many similar traits. Still, I have a certain fondness for The Jetsons’ robo maid, while I wish someone would just hurry up and ban Rosie O’ Donnell from ever speaking again.
#5: V.I.N.cent from The Black Hole
In the wake of the massive success of Star Wars, every studio in town wanted their own version. Disney’s version was 1979’s The Black Hole, a movie that is more or less forgotten today. It did sport it’s own R2 knock off in the form of V.I.N.Cent (“Vital Information Necessary CENTralized” — easily the shittiest acronym ever), a chubby little floating droid with a voice provided by gay Brit actor Roddy McDowall. That alone gets him on this list. That, and the movie he starred in was called The Black Hole. Draw your own conclusions.
#4: Cylon Model Number Six from Battlestar Galactica
The first model of Cylon we see in the modern version of Battlestar Galactica, she above any of the other Cylon models, seems programmed for sex and seduction. Although we mostly see this particular model in the form of Caprica Six, who spends most of her time either seducing/tormenting Gauis Baltar or Saul Tighe, there is a version of her that slept with the female Admiral Cain from the Battlestar Pegasus in an effort to seduce her and gain access to some military codes (or something like that). She is the one robot, for lack of a better word, who then fits the token Bi-Sexual slot on this list.
#3: HAL 9000 from 2001
Sure, he’s just a disembodied voice. But it is a male voice. Calm. Cool.Collected. HAL is that gay guy who works at The Gap who tells you how great that shirt looks on you, but what he really means is “wow, you look really stupid in that”. Yet his bitchiness is never betrayed by his voice. Yet somehow it’s all there, under the surface. You sense the hostility, but you won’t know for sure until you hear him snicker about you with fellow co-workers in hushed tones as someone else rings you up. In HAL’s case, you won’t sense the hostility till he won’t open those damn pod bay doors for you. I realize I just compared a brilliant computer mind to an evil retail queen, but if you think about it you’ll realize I’m totally right.
#2: C-3PO
Oh, you SO thought he was gonna be #1 didn’t you? Well, in all fairness it was pretty damn close. If the T-800 is the Muscle Daddy, and Rosie is the Diesel Dyke, the Threepio is the prissy queen of the cinematic robot world. Always mincing around, bitching to his “counterpart” R2-D2 about something or other, and just constantly freaking out about some shit in the queeniest way possible. Not to mention this obsession with “Master” Luke. Everything about Threepio spells G-A-Y, but everyone knows this already, so let’s move on to #1…..
#1: Twiki from Buck Rogers
The annoying robot sidekick in the 70’s TV series Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, who is mostly remembered for his annoying catchphrase “biddi biddi biddi!” and for being voiced by Mel Blanc, who voiced the sometimes equally queer acting Bugs Bunny for decades. Twiki gets the #1 slot for two reasons. First, his name is pronounced TWEEK-E, as in “Tweek”. To be blunt, the number one drug habit of choice for gay men is speed, and speed users are called tweekers. It ain’t pretty, but there it is folks. And last, but certainly not least, His damn head is shaped like a penis. I mean…look at it. I rest my case. HIS HEAD IS A PENIS. Twiki is the gayest robot ever.
