The Top Five Worst Movie Accents
Every once in a while, actors and actresses attempt to expand their dramatic range by trying to master the perfect foreign accent. There are some who succeed masterfully in this endeavor, creating believable and powerful characters from all over the globe. Then there are some who…um…well…just kind of suck. The following list is for those thespians who were less fortunate.
Angelina Jolie, Alexander
Oliver’s Stone’s 2004 bomb, Alexander, contains a cornucopia of bad accents. Everyone in this flick is speaking with some type of weird dialect. At times, it feels like you’re watching a really bad United Colors of Benetton Ad. The worst offender? None other than Ms. Angelina Jolie. It’s amazing that in an overly long, homoerotic, poorly written toga and sandals epic my biggest complaint is Jolie’s manner of speaking, but seriously folks, her pronunciation of words is hilariously bad.
So, what accent is Jolie attempting with her unintelligible foreign purr? I genuinely have no clue. My guess? She’s combining the accents from the native lands of all her adopted children into one incomprehensible dialect that sounds like a cross between Peppy LePew and somebody with Down’s Syndrome. What a humanitarian!
Sean Connery, Hunt for Red October
Let me get this out of the way—I consider Sean Connery to be one of the best actors of all time whose filmography is as varied as it is impressive. But, let’s face it, the man just doesn’t do accents (other than his traditional Scottish Brogue). Now, normally this wouldn’t be a problem. However, in the Hunt for Red October he’s supposed to be playing a Russian. Just think about that for a second—Russian submarine captain with a Scottish accent. It almost sounds like the setup for a Disney channel movie starring Miley Cyrus. All it needs is a flatulent dog and a local rec center that is on the verge of closing. C’mon y’all..one more dance to save the school!
Tim Curry, Congo
In the wake of Jurassic Park’s success, Hollywood was literally falling all over itself in a rushed attempt to dish out yet another movie adaptation of a Michael Crichton (RIP) novel. So, in 1995, movie audiences across the country were treated to Congo. This time instead of really cool CG dinosaurs, Congo upped the suck factor and gave us animatronic monkeys. More specifically, evil animatronic monkeys. That’s like being promised a trip to Disneyland but instead being taken to the back of Denny’s parking lot and beaten with a carbon rod…with a picture of Goofy on it. But, I digress…
There’s really no doubt that Congo is a suckfest. It’s got horrible special effects, an annoying talking monkey, and Laura Linney pretending she’s attractive (believe me, that takes serious acting chops). But, if there’s anything that solidifies Congo’s place in pure campland, its gotta be Tim Curry’s performance as Herkermer Homolka, the generic and nefarious foreign dude. I truly have no idea what accent Curry is trying to perform. Shit, I don’t think Tim Curry has any idea what accent he is trying to perform. All I know is that every line spoken by Curry is unintentionally (or maybe intentionally—I’ve given up trying to understand this movie) hilarious. Now, STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE!
Natalie Portman, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
I realize that it’s probably sacrlligious to badmouth Natalie Portman, but to be honest, I’ve never thought she was all that amazing of an actress. Whenever I need concrete evidence to back up this bold statement, I turn to everyone’s favorite humongous geek disappointment—Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I’m the first to admit that it certainly isn’t novel to bad mouth Episode I. At this point, I’m pretty sure even Lucas has disowned it (probably around the time he decided it was a good idea to have an army of monkeys in Indiana Jones 4).
Regardless, Portman’s accent as Queen Padmé Amidala in Phantom Menace is just cringe-worthy. She slips in and out of her dialect as often as Lucas eats cheeseburgers. “Ey will not condown a corse of action thet will lead us to woar!” Seriously, I haven’t heard an English accent this bad since Madonna started to pretend that she was British.
Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Some actors spend years honing their craft, working with dialogue coaches and studying native speakers in order to master the perfect English accent. Well, Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves seems to come from the heralded theatrical school of “I just don’t give a shit.” A lot of movie accents suck, but usually you have to give the actor props for at least trying. Well, Costner flips the bird at the concept of “effort” and heads straight for craft services. His “accent-less” portrayal is made even worse because everybody around him sounds authentically British. It’s like sticking me in the cast of a Tyler Perry movie and asking the audience which one just doesn’t belong…
It’s amazing to think that he didn’t even try an accent but I guess that’s just Kevin Costner for ya. He lives in a parallel, mystical universe where Waterworld was successful, people actually saw Dragonfly, and Bryan Adams songs are still popular. He’s a true revolutionary I tell you…
There you have it, folks—my personal picks for the worst movie accents. In homage, I think I’m going to spend the rest of the day speaking in a terrible cockney accent. “Allo! Shine yer shoes, Govna!…fancy uh spot o’ tea?” I’m sure that won’t get annoying…
Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He also does a horrendous English accent.
