The Top Five Movies That Will Probably Get You Laid…

Alright, being as this is Geekscape, it’s kind of weird start off this whole top five extravaganza with a topic that’s all about doing the nasty, but let’s face it – sex sells and I always bring the people what they want.  So, grab a bottle of wine, light some candles, and change out of your Spiderman-underoos…it’s business time (that is assuming you can actually get a girl to watch a movie with you). Let’s do this:

(Some small spoilers may be present below. So don’t go whining to me when I reveal that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time…)



Pride and Prejudice:
If I was being a stickler, I’d say that this would have to be the new Pride and Prejudice—you know, the Oscar nominated one staring Kiera Knightley and featuring nifty direction by Joe Wright. But, in reality, it just doesn’t matter.  Heck, as long as Jane Austen is involved you could watch two and half hours of sock puppets making out and still get lucky. You see, Jane Austen is like a pheromone for women. By merely mentioning her name their eyes begin to glaze over and they lose an attachment to reality. Suddenly, everyone becomes Mr. Darcy. Everyone wears those ruffled dresses with the hoops in them. And, of course, everyone has a British accent.

To increase your chances, during the elaborate dance sequence in the first third of the movie, make an off-hand, yet appropriate, comment about how you wish everyone still danced like that and how “classic” it would be. Regardless of whether you believe this or not, it makes you seem sensitive and introspective. Or, you could always go with the old stand-by and say: “you have much a bigger rack than Kiera Knightley.”  Granted, it ain’t Shakespeare, but by the time this flick comes to an end, every word you say will somehow become poetry.

Cruel Intentions:
Do you all remember when high school was full of super rich, scheming, teenagers with an inordinate knowledge of sex and the vocabulary of an astrophysicist? Me either, But if “Dawson’s Creek” has taught me anything it’s that all girls love to think of high school as an intellectual, hyper-literate fountain of bitchiness.  That’s where Cruel Intentions comes in.  This is the movie to spark the bad girl fantasies in even the most wholesome of women.

A pop-culture nineties revamp of the period drama Dangerous Liaisons, Cruel Intentions has all the ingredients to lead you towards the Promised Land. It’s sexy (witty innuendo)!  It’s taboo (incest)! It’s titillating (two girls kiss)! Plus, it features Ryan “nobody-knows-how-to-pronounce-my-last-name” Phillipe as the male star. And, if there’s one thing that women like, let me tell ya, it’s vintage Phillipe.

Unfaithful:
Now, in general, a movie about cheating is a no go if you’re searching for a little “insert-euphemism-for-sex-here,” but, Unfaithful is the one glaring exception to the standardized doctrine.  I don’t know what the deal is with this movie, but there is just something about it that gets everybody a little randy (woman, man, dog, cat, Gilmore). Maybe it’s the hot, generic-European dude (Olivier Martinez). Maybe it’s Diane Lane’s infinitely alluring cougar-ness; or hey, maybe it’s Richard Gere’s baffling, incomprehensible appeal to women.  I don’t really know and I don’t really care. The point is simply this: Unfaithful just gets the job done. Period. By the time, Diane Lane’s character excuses herself for a bathroom quickie, the girl sitting next to you will be putty in your hands (puddle in your hands?). In fact, you don’t even have to make a move – based on my advanced statistical research, she’ll do it for you. Yup…that’s right…you can thank me later.

Friendly word of warning: turn the movie off before Richard Gere starts busting in people’s skulls with snow globes. That shit just kind of kills the mood…most of the time.

The Notebook:
I can already see you rolling your eyes. I realize that it’s a cliché choice, but that’s only because it works. Author Nicholas Sparks has made an entire career out of manipulating and exploiting the emotions of lonely women. Let’s face it people, The Notebook is his Mona Lisa.

This movie has every possible ingredient to turn a girl into mush. There’s Ryan Gosling as the adorable boy from the poor part of town. There’s the story of torn romance, struggling to persevere through war and separation. There’s cuddly old people with dementia (uh…on second thought…scratch that last one). Even if girls say they don’t like this movie, they’re lying. EVERY girl likes this movie. Even the most cynical and jaded bitch you know (that’s right, even your girlfriend). Every girl wants to make out in a rainstorm.  Every girl wants to dance around like a spastic four-year-old with epilepsy (kind of like a female, attractive, Thom Yorke) and be called a bird.

Look, I know this movie sucks, but if you’re interested in getting laid (and who isn’t, c’mon), just slide this puppy into the DVD player and let the magic happen. On a final side note, this movie reinforces a common, incontrovertible fact when it comes to romance flicks: If someone dies at the end, the girl you’re with will probably sleep with you.

Love Actually:
This is it. The mack daddy. The movie that makes all women scream in passion and gesticulate wildly in the night.  It’s like the super-Voltron of romantic comedies, combining eight (count ‘em, 8!) stories into one movie. To top it off, it takes place during Christmas time. Seriously, there are few things in the world designed to make women swoon as much as this film (another one is probably Christian Bale).

When Love Actually first came out back in 2003, I remember sitting in the theater watching in complete fascination as every girl around me seemed to sigh in unison. It had complete control over them. I’m pretty sure if Hugh Grant would have turned directly to the camera and neurotically asked the women in the audience to stage a ritual human sacrifice they all would have complied, no questions asked.

To be fair, as much as I talk crap, this is actually a pretty damn good movie. So, not only does it have the distinction of charming the pants off your date, it also manages to not suck in the process. It’s really a win-win situation, which is why it has the distinction of topping this list. The true word of praise, though, goes to Richard Curtis – the movie’s writer and director.  Think how many people he has helped get lucky just by creating this movie (the statistic must be staggering). Yes, that’s right, Mr. Curtis, men across the globe salute you!

Alright folks, there you have it—the top five movies that will probably get you laid. By watching the aforementioned flicks with a special lady, I’m pretty sure there is a 96% chance you’re gonna at least get to cup a boob (maybe two if you sit comfortably enough)! So, the next time you’re about to get some action because of the sage advice you’ve just received, be sure to think of me. On second thought, don’t do that. That’s kind of creepy.

Enjoy.

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast.  Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He once hacked the gibson while simultaneously playing a flawless game of minesweeper.