The Top 10 (Plus 4!) Fictional Places I Would Love to Visit
It’s easy to count the number of times we’ve watched a film, read a book, or seen a play, and thought to ourselves “I would love to go there.” Indeed, some would argue that the function of much drama is to allow the reader to feel like they are temporarily part of a new environment, a new place they can project themselves into. Some of the places and environments in films, books and TV are so enriched, so convincing, so alluring, just so very cool, that they even stand outside of the characters and stories on the screen. We begin to entertain fantasies about visiting.
There are many, many fictional places I would love to put myself into. It was actually really hard to whittle this list down to ten, so I’m giving myself a bonus four. Even then, I had to omit some of the more esoteric ones, like Castle Blandings and Inverness Mansion (which would have won the obscurity prize; kudos to you if you yourself get it). An ancient place like The Land of the Lotus Eaters was also very alluring. The Castle Anthrax was on the short list, but, for reasons I don’t care to elucidate, didn’t quite make the cut.
Here, then, are fourteen wondrous places to visit:
14) The Double R Diner
from “Twin Peaks” (1990-1991)
They got a cherry pie here that’ll kill ya. Living in a town like Twin Peaks is probably a dodgy experience at best. When you’re not being hounded by the pseudo-psychic out-of-town Feds, abused by the local law enforcement, or accumulating a patina of sin-soaked grime at One-Eyed Jacks, you’re probably having elaborate dreams of The Man From Another Place, and disturbing visions of whispering little boys in papier-mâché masks. But, luckily, Twin Peaks features one of the finest diners west of the Mississippi. You’re finally in a place that is relaxingly off-beat, and has some of the finest coffee ever brewed. I’m not even a coffee drinker, but I desperately want to try a cuppa the RR’s finest.
Plus, you have the advantage of possibly chatting up some doomed, cocaine-addicted high school honey who is working as your waitress.
13) Elijah C. Skuggs’ Freek Land
from “Freaked” (1993)
When visiting Santa Flan, that cute little politically corrupt Central American principality, be sure to trek deep into the woods. There, you will find a hidden amusement park called Freek Land, run by the oily amateur bio-engineer Elijah C. Skuggs. Freek Land is like a cross between the Double Deuce from “Road House,” and a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Biker toughs populate the place, and there are frequent brawls, all set to L.A. Hardcore punk music. There are midway attractions like dwarf clowns that fart your weight, and a Heavy Petting Zoo. Then, when you’re done with the fighting, there’s a main attraction of hideous mutants with enormous noses, sock-puppet heads, and worm bodies who sing, dance, give you beauty tips (from Mr. T as the Bearded Lady), and perform scenes from “Richard III.”
True, you may be kidnapped and mutated and forced to perform, but surely that’s a good way to go.
This is a place that not only offers you the best seedy, cheap-ass show imaginable, but will probably lend to your street cred. Going to Freek Land is something to brag about.
12) Hogsmeade
from “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” (2009)
Imagine you’re going to Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You’re already way ahead of your peers there. You’re secretly a magical being who can levitate, float around on broomsticks, and play one of the best sports ever invented, Quidditch. You get to sleep in a castle, own a pet owl, and take magic-themed classes that actually sound interesting; I would much rather have taken Defense Against the Dark Arts 101 than Intro to Calculus.
But then, as if you needed a break from such a magical place, there are occasional off-campus trips to a local town called Hogsmeade, which is like a cross between a wizard child’s amusement park and The Universal Citywalk. For one day, you can run free, unfettered from the rules of your teachers, drinking pumpkin juice, buying scads of magical candy (yes, some of the candy moves), and trying out honey ale. Treats and candies are great in and of themselves, but add magic to them, and you have unadulterated bliss.
Also, seeing as we’re talking about the 6th film in the Harry Potter series, you’d also be able to visit the newly opened Weasley Joke Shop. I have halcyon childhood memories of visiting my local joke shop and getting silly string, wax lips, hand buzzers and the best fake dog poop money can buy. But, again, adding magic to a usual joke shop brings prankstering to genius levels. This is a shop I must visit.
11) Pee-Wee’s Playhouse
from “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” (1986-1991)
Pee-Wee Herman is a squeaky, prancing man-child who somehow managed to build a playhouse that incorporated his every fantasy. It is a surreal world of talking furniture, wish-granting genies, conscious robots, and the wackiest group of nosy neighbors imaginable. Pee-Wee’s Playhouse looks like a living diagram of those fantasy clubhouses that 10-year-old boys would sketch out together on the lazier of summer days; Like a really cool backyard treehouse taken to the infinite power; Like a child’s every unconscious thought and surreal dream-logic connection brought terrifyingly to life.
When first entering the Playhouse, it’s possible that the color and npise and living furniture may frighten you beyond belief, but it’s not long before you begin to realize that prancing about this weird-ass childhood subconscious is actually a happy place, where all the mutant denizens are unbelievably cheerful, and unendingly pleased to be there. It wouldn’t be long before you’ve become part of the game, screaming at the word of the day, and making ice cream soup for Cowboy Curtis and the Cowntess. For one day, I want to surrender my identity to the insanity of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.
10) Toontown
from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” (1988)
And speaking of childhood insanity, whose inner child hasn’t fantasized about living inside a Tex Avery cartoon? Well, thanks to Robert Zemeckis’ 1988 blockbuster, we can imagine it all the more easily. Set up as a seedy ghetto of Los Angeles, Toontown is where all the dejected Toons go. The film may set up Toontown as a wrong-side-of-town sort of place, but is actually a frenetic and aggressively cheery place where the citizens sing and dance 24 hours a day. Or perhaps not. The nature of reality seems to change with every street. And all the tenants of Toontown are, of course, cartoons. And, as you’d expect, the lives of cartoon characters are never laidback or relaxed, and explosions, stories-long plummets, and falling anvils are de rigueur. Being able to live the humor and chaos of a Warner Bros. cartoon short for a few brief hours would be the vacation of a lifetime.
Plus, who doesn’t want to possibly meet Jessica Rabbit?
Honorable Mention: The Ink & Paint Club
If over-the-top weirdness isn’t your bag, you can still visit cartoons at The Ink & Paint Club. Toon revue. Strictly humans only. You can sit back in a classy, secret speakeasy, have a strong drink, buy cigarettes from Betty Boop, and watch the various animated musical acts on stage. And here, you’ll definitely get to see Jessica Rabbit.
9) The H.M.S. Surprise
from “Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World” (2003) and the Aubrey/Maturin novels by Patrick O’Brien (1970-1999)
O.k. I know you’re at war. I know the battles are dangerous. You could possibly get a shard of wood through your arm, a hole in your skull, or a cannonball through your chest. It’s possible you’ll have to be cut loose to die in a storm, go stir crazy from the monotony, or just commit suicide. Indeed, there will be no sight of women for months at a time. But to me, it would all be worth it to serve under the tutelage of Capt. Jack Aubrey, eat some of that delicious pudding, and build up my biceps working out on deck, taking in the sea air, hoisting and pulling to my heart’s content. The romance of working on a maritime warship (which is, I admit, one of my stronger little boy fantasies) is at its most romantic in Patrick O’Brien’s long-running series of novels, and the subsequent 2003 Peter Weir film based on them.
I realize this is strictly a sexless male fantasy, working and sweating during wartime but, dammit, I want to go sailing. And if I can do that while potentially visiting the Galapagos Islands, making homemade agave, scouting jungles for carvable trees to make into female mastheads… sign me up.
And if I do get a hole blown through my skull, I can take comfort in the fact that the ship’s doctor knows how to handle that.
8) Championship Vinyl
from “High Fidelity” (2000)
As record stores have been vanishing across the country, finding a good one is like discovering a lost pirate gold mine. As anyone who grew up collecting records, tapes and CDs can attest, finding the pirate gold was a transcendent experience. Finally finding the rare record you were looking for. Being the first to have the CD. Flipping through out-dated music catalogs, hoping against hope that something might still be in print, or possibly affordable. Music hunting used to be a blood sport.
And then there was always that music store. The second-hand local shop that smelled romantically musty, and was staffed by bitter, socially awkward music nerds who knew more about rock ‘n’ roll in their little fingers than you could in four brains. Approaching them was a risky business, as revealing any sign of gaucheness would result in ostracizing and mockery. And with every mockery you suffered came the resolution to learn more about music. These nerds forced you to be cooler.
There are countless music shops in old movies and TV shows, but the best of that music store was clearly Championship Vinyl from “High Fidelity.” not only was the staff as perfect as it could have been – Jack Black as the noisy asshole, Todd Louiso as the shy obsessed one, and John Cusak as their put-upon manager with such a deep passion for music, one must stand in awe – but they seemed to carry all the records you didn’t know you couldn’t live without. This is the store I want to walk to on Sunday afternoons and waste my wages on. Not to mention the concerts they occasionally host.
7) Sweet Puttin’ Cakes
from “homestarrunner.com” (2007)
All you have to do is think about mini-golf, and all of a sudden… you’re there. Magically transported by the will of the place. And it’s as every bit as messed up as the cartoon on which it’s based.
Strong Bad, a masked wrestler who answers e-mails from his fans, once created a cartoon (within his cartoon) that was bizarre and crazy and pointedly non-sensical (it featured muttering helicopter cows, an evil wheelchair, and Strong Bad himself with a Casio keyboard for a head). The power of this cartoon was so strong, that it somehow managed to become part of Strong Bad’s universe, and, magically sprouted its own miniature golf course.
No ordinary miniature golf course, this one seemed to warp space and time. It had impossible hazards, a few deceptively easy holes, and a dimensional portal at the end of the 18th. Mini-golf is fun enough, with its chintzy multi-world decoration, and little-kids-run-wild gameplay antics. But I would adore playing mini-golf at a place that is in its own dimension.
6) Milliways
from The Restaurant at the End of the Universe by Douglas Adams (1980)
If you’ve done six impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at Milliways, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
The science is a little dodgy, but Milliways is located right at the end of the universe. Since it exists largely outside of time itself, you can go there many times, and never run into yourself. This temporal rigmarole also allows you to make reservations after you’ve already left, and invest the money you’d need for your check ex post facto. This is essentially a free trip to the universe’s best restaurant.
The food is sublime. They have most anything you can imagine, and, if you have trouble deciding, the food itself will introduce itself, and convince you what to get. You an order a pan-galactic gargleblaster, and sip cautiously. You might see a political dignitary or two, and perhaps even a few rock stars.
And then, just as you’ve settled in, and desert is being pondered, the big show begins. A protective screen in the ceiling opens, and you can witness, from the comfort of your table, the destruction of the very universe itself. A unique experience, no doubt. Then you can slip back into your time-traveling car, and go back to work the next day, knowing you spent the night well.
Douglas Adams could always turn a phrase well, and managed to, in that inimitable British style of his, invent the most spectacular dinner show imaginable.
5) Yubaba’s Bathhouse
from “Spirited Away” (2001)
Hayao Miyazaki is one of the most imaginative film directors in the business, and in all of his films, he manages to make gorgeous palpable environments which almost incidentally feature dragons, witches, beasts and gods. If asked to choose a vacation spot somewhere in the man’s mind, I would definitely choose Yubaba’s Bathhouse from “Spirited Away.”
Humans aren’t typically allowed, but there are a few here and there, and I think braving the prejudice would be worth it to lower myself into a large, hot scented bathtub in a relaxing painted room, sitting blissfully under a cool stream of water from above. The rooms are all lush and spacious. I would be served by a professional staff, and could even get a massage and a meal if I wanted. It also doesn’t hurt that the bathhouse is populated by ghosts, monsters and minor deities. I’d relax in the water, have my feet pumiced by a twenty-fingered woman with red stripes on her face, ask the frog steward to bring me a glass of wine, and chat up an eight-foot tall turnip beast.
If my bones aren’t jellied after such an experience, I can’t think of anything that would do the trick.
4) Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory
from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl (1964)
If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.
When you’re a child, there are few things you would rather do than eat candy. You may distract yourself with water slides and mini-golf, but candy is the ultimate goal of it all. And what better way to celebrate candy, than go to the source? Willy Wonka’s marvelous factory is a literal living garden of oddball candies, free for you to gorge yourself on. There is a river of chocolate, lollipop trees, gummi bushes, and God knows what else. There are square candies that look round, gum that tastes like a four-course dinner, and everlasting gobstoppers.
And when you’re not gleefully stuffing your face, you can stand in awe of some of the strange machines located throughout the enormous, labyrinthine factory. Big steaming, pumping marvels that are, somehow, producing some of the tastiest treats that a child can dream of. You can visit the machine that shrinks chocolate bars. You can chat up an Oompa-Loompa, and learn all about Loompaland. You can even ride in the great glass elevator, which can take you home at the end of the day. Provided you ever wanted to leave.
Just stay off the boat.
3) The Garden of Earthly Bliss Drive-In and Pizzeria
from The Snarkout Boys and the Baconburg Horror by Daniel Pinkwater (1984)
This one may be obscure, but stick with me on this…
Daniel Pinkwater is one of my favorite authors, and his book, The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death, is probably one of my favorite young adult novels. It’s about a group of 14-year-old kids who, for the first time, discover that there is an entire active world of nightlife that goes on when the rest of the world is asleep. They sneak out of the house to see double bills at the Snark theater, eat exotic hot dogs, listen to crazies make enthused speeches in Blueberry Park, and end up involved with a detective and the world’s most dangerous criminal.
In the book’s 1984 sequel, however, Pinkwater outdid himself, and created The Garden of Earthly Bliss Drive-In and Pizzeria. Get this: It’s a drive-in theater. We’re already ahead. The screen is as big as two football fields. The projectors are specially made for the drive-in by a German manufacturer, and do not scratch the prints. The stereo speakers you hang on your doors are of the highest quality. Classics are shown every night.
At the center of the drive-in is a fully functional pizzeria, staffed by some of the most skilled chefs of Italy, who fire-bake the pizzas to your exact specifications, which you got to order through your drive-in speakers. When the pizza is done, it’s delivered directly to your car by a pizza robot.
If you don’t want to watch the film, or you’re just bored waiting for it to begin, The Garden of Earthly Bliss Drive-In and Pizzeria also features a fully loaded amusement park, where you can go on Ferris wheels, waterslides and roller coasters.
If I died when I was 10, I would have gone to The Garden of Earthly Bliss Drive-In and Pizzeria.
Honorable mention: Beanbender’s Beer Garden
from The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death (1982)
Just as alluring would be Beanbender’s Beer Garden, a bar made up of a circle of disused train cars. It’s a wild, warm Bohemian place full of homemade beer, baked potatoes, burning bonfires, and live music every night. Where else can you enjoy a nice crisp potato and watch Darmawati, the performing chicken?
2) Risa
from “Star Trek: The Next Generation” (1987-1994)
If travel and communication technology can advance to the level they have in “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” why not the pleasure technology as well? No mere beach resort, Risa is an entire planet devoted to giving you the best possible vacation. The weather is stringently controlled to give you the best beach resort holiday it can, but can also provide something more rough, if a hike or a horseback ride is more your bag. The hotel suites are private bungalows unto themselves, and the food is exotic and freely forthcoming. There are daily shows of all kinds. Huge areas are age controlled, so if you don’t want any kids running around, you can take comfort in the fact that the kids are on the other side of the planet.
It may be a popular tourist destination, but Risa strikes me as being decidedly un-touristy.
What’s more, Rise is the ultimate cruising destination. Horny species from all over the galaxy come to schmooze, flirt, and get laid. There’s even a statue-based, easy-to-read hanky code, depending on what you’re into. The sexual energy is everywhere. And consider this: If Risa can get the stalwart and curmudgeonly Jean-Luc Picard laid, it can get anyone laid.
But if you just want to relax on the beach drinking Romulan Ale and chatting up odd people from distant planets, you can do that too.
1) Halloweentown
from “The Nightmare Before Christmas” (1993)
Halloween is my favorite holiday. It’s a wicked celebration of autumnal briskness, edgy darkness, wicked fun, and, of course, eating lots and lots of candy. It’s a great time to watch scary movies, and celebrate those things that frighten you, but still, ineffably, draw you towards them. Plus, you can dress up as whatever you have the gumption to dress up as.
And where better for a Halloween lover to visit than a magical town where it’s Halloween every day? Henry Selick’s gorgeous movie, imagined by Tim Burton, encapsulates the Halloween spirit for many people, and perfectly exemplifies what a living embodiment of Halloween would be. We have a scary, dark, twisted town populated by creatures, vampires, mummies, swamp monsters, mad scientists and skeletons, but somehow it’s a friendly place, and the fear is all inflicted purely out of fun and celebration. You can trick-or-treat every night, and plan how to frighten children every day. And, as evidenced by the town’s star citizen Jack Skellington, you can even find love with a kindred spirit.
It’s a creative world unto itself, Halloweentown, and would be a place I would have trouble leaving.
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Witney Seibold is a dashingly handsome and incredibly well-read young genius living in Los Angeles. He has seen more movies than you, and his opinions are probably more valid than yours. He has written hundreds of film reviews, starting with his college newspaper, stretching into a now-defunct weekly newspaper, and finally settling on his own, personally-maintained ‘blog, replete with all the critical accoutrements of a dashingly handsome young genius writer. You can read more of his writings here: http://witneyman.wordpress.com/
