The Top-10 Geek Authority Figures that You Don’t Want Disappointed in You
Genre entertainment is loaded with all kinds of snarling, flexing, badass types whom you don’t want to get upset; Try testing Hannibal Lecter sometime and see how far you get. The risk of upsetting some of your favorite superheroes could have dire consequences. Fight well next to Wolverine, and he’ll be a good friend. Turn your back on Damian Hellstorm, and you’ll find yourself suffering in Hell.
But this is not a list of the tough guys who will kill you or beat you up if you piss them off. This is a list of the quiet, strong authority figures that you don’t want to be disappointed in you. Sure, being punched in the solarplexus by a badass would suck, but that’s nothing compared to the crushing embarrassment and withering shame brought on by the stern glare of someone you actually admire. There are few actually admirable authority figures in genre entertainment, so when a good one comes along, we fans tend to entertain fantasies of serving under them in some capacity. We imagine being quick, smart and efficient under the coveted tutelage of these whipsmart masters. And, as doubt creeps in, we start to feel that we have the capacity for screwing up, and, worst of all disappointing them.
Here then, is a list of the best leaders in geek entertainment.
10. Klaatu
from “The Day the Earth Stood Still” (1951)
From space, a warning and an ultimatum. Klaatu has traveled many lightyears to land on Earth. He is silent and imposing. He is 78 years old, but looks like he’s in his mid 30s. He is calm and egalitarian. He knows the childish folly that mankind is capable of, and has come to Earth, like a doting parent, to warn us how dangerous it is to mess around with all these silly nuclear weapons we seem so fond of.
Thanks to Michael Rennie’s fantastic performance in Robert Wise’s seminal sci-fi classic, Klaatu comes across not as a bully or a tormentor, but as a bemused older sibling, chucking at humanity in a combination of worry and vicarious nostalgia. There is a great scene in which Klaatu, led by the 10-year-old Bobby (Billy Gray), finds the home of a renowned physicist. The physicist is not home, but Klaatu sees some of his calculations on a blackboard. Klaatu puts on an expression of amusied pity, and then, very simply, corrects the mathimatical errors.
Here is a man with a stirring intellect and an enlightened attitude. Worse than Gort, the killer robot he has at his disposal, you don’t want to see Klaatu shake his head in pity at you.
9. Ms. Frizzle
from “The Magic School Bus” (1994-1998)
As kids, most of us felt kind of ambivalent about school. We liked going because we liked our friends and we liked recess and we liked learning stuff. But then, we disliked going because we couldn’t sleep in, or be on a permanent vacation, and we often resented our parents and teachers for forcing us to do hard stuff we didn’t want to do. I think, though, we can all relate to the experience of having a wonderful teacher that seemed smart and energetic, and actually wanted us to learn stuff. For this teacher, you began to feel, you will not fail.
We never really saw Ms. Frizzle upset on the little-watched PBS educational program “The Magic School Bus,” which ran for four seasons back in the ’90s. She was the wild-haired, oddly-dressed hippie chick who would frequently take her elementary school students on magic school bus rides which could allow them to gather empirical evidence from, say, the surface of the sun, or inside the nucleus of a carbon atom. She was a free-wheeling, high-spirited teacher who was eager to share the secrets of the universe with children.
If I’m going on magic school bus rides, and I’m going back in time to observe dinosaurs, or shrinking down to talk to ladybugs, I had better get a good grade on the next quiz. I would hate to see the crestfallen expression on Ms. Frizzle’s face.
8. Perry Mason
from “Perry Mason” (1957-1966)
The world’s best defense attorney, Perry Mason, played by the smoky Raymond Burr, is a man who can crack just about any case. Indeed, watching “Perry Mason” as a child, I wondered why his hometown even bothered having a police force, as the town’s defense lawyer seemed more adept an solving crimes and any detective. Perry Mason, with the help of his friends Paul Drake and Della Street, would investigate missing details, and would inevitably find them. I didn’t just want to meet Perry Mason. I wanted to work as his detective.
But his detecting skills were nothing compared to his diamond-sharp gaze. In episode after episode, Mason would cross-examine, quietly chipping away at the party he knew to be guilty. His steeltrap intelligence just waiting to close unnoticed around his prey. Inevitably, the guilty party would have a noisy, teary confession under oath, and all would be revealed. It”s rare that you get this level of psychology in TV crime dramas anymore.
If I were working with Perry Mason, I would do my best. If I screwed up, I would know I would have to endure that smoky glare, a pair of pursed lips, and the knowledge that he wouldn’t trust me for a while.
7. Buckaroo Banzai
from “The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension” (1984)
I’ve talked about this film just recently, and you’ve likely all seen it multiple times, so I won’t go into too much detail, only to state out the outset that Buckaroo Banzai is a racer of cars, he his trained in Japanese swordplay, he is a fully-qualified brain surgeon, he is well-trusted by the president and is often enlisted into secret missions, and he fronts a wacky, aloof rock band called the Hong Kong Cavaliers. He’s a big star, and has his own fan club and comic book. Screenwriter W.D. Richter essentially tried to create the coolest person alive in Buckaroo Banzai, and, thanks to the cool-as-a-cucumber performance from Peter Weller, he largely succeeded.
Buckaroo Banzai is a bit too laidback to really get mad at any of his charges, and would probably joke with you, and try to help you improve long before he gave up on you. But, with a man who is that smart and that cool, you just know in your heart of hearts, that it’d be hard to live up to his expectations. I would be in constant fear of not being accepted into his ultra-cool circle. Buckaroo Banzai would not really be too upset with you, but seeing his circle, you would just know you could do better.
Once you’re in, though… wow.
6. Capt. Nemo
from Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under the Sea (1869)
In the movie versions, the star of Jules Verne’s sci-fi classic is often seen as a cocky blowhard and a grizzled adventurer. In the original novel, though, Nemo is one of the steely-eyed, honest-to-goodness misanthropes who has used his engineering know-how and technical excellence to actually create a beautiful new way to sustain his life.
Throughout the book, our main character, Prof. Pierre Aronnax is fascinated by Nemo’s grand creation, the self-sustaining submarine The Nautilus. He is drawn to the ship’s fuel, its function, and how easily it can traverse the huge underwater portions of our planet. But, more than that, Aronnax is drawn to the mystery of Nemo, and why he has decided to shut himself off from the world in the fashion he has. Nemo is, at once, alienating, misanthropic, bitter, hurtful, exciting, classy, intelligent, cosmopolitan, and, at times, even friendly.
Nemo had a crew, and you just knew that these people were the best and the brightest, and people Nemo could trust. If any of them died in the line of duty, Nemo would give them a proper undersea burial. Nemo demanded the best from you, and you were only ever interested in doing it. If you messed up, you would not be punished, but you may be relieved from duty for a few days which is, in this case, probably worse.
5. Roger Ebert
(1942 – )
Whether you agree with his opinions or not, it can be pretty much admitted that Roger Ebert serves as the elder statesman of film criticism. He is one of the longest-working film critics in this country, and has probably seen more movies than any other living person. As he has aged, and has survived all manner of health maladies, Ebert’s style has only become more calmed and open, and, as his ‘blog proves, he has become all the more open with expressing himself. He is a staggeringly intelligent man.
While all we film geeks (especially those of us who write film reviews as a hobby) have fantasies of interviewing – or perhaps even working for – our heroes, I think each of us would adore sitting down and shooting the breeze, or at least trading letters with, this hugely popular, Pulitzer-Prize-winner.
And here’s where the delicate balance comes in: What if you’re chatting with him, and you find that his opinion doesn’t match yours? I feel I’m a good enough film critic that I could openly and succinctly defend my opinion, but I have the feeling that Ebert would be able to give me some very good reasons as to why I was outright wrong. Not that he would necessarily do such a thing, but my insecurity would leave me in fear of it.
4. President David Palmer
from “24” (2001-2010)
While Joel Surnow’s ultra-pumped, time-coded spy thriller is, admittedly, a right-leaning show, it has the curious habit of stuffing itself full of stalwart, decisive and admirable presidential candidates from the left. We have seen several presidents on the show, and each one of them has been a clear-thinking, hard-working, proper leader type who is only occasionally given to mild corruption, and is mostly a leader worth serving under (Gregory Itzin’s sniveling, sinister president Logan notwithstanding).
The best of the “24” presidents was easily president David Palmer (Dennis Haysbert). A tall, deep-voiced authority, David Palmer was constantly tempted to compromise his principals, and to break the law. Since this is “24,” there was, of course a good deal of coverups in his presidency, and, as it later turned out, his wife (Penny Johnson) was more corrupt than he could ever hope to stand, but Palmer always shone through as a moral beacon in this swirling, 24-hour vortex of violence.
Surely these presidents are mostly just wish fulfillment; most of us can only dream that our presidents are that honest and hard-working. But, as wishes go, David Palmer is a man I would vote for.
3. Prof. Dumbledore
from the “Harry Potter” novels and movies.
Professor Dumbledore is an old man, who has accumulated a vast store of magical knowledge and hard-edged experience in his years. He knows talent when he sees it, and is eager, like any good professor, to nurture his charges into adulthood. If he selects you as a prize pupil, he will give you bonus lessons, and certain glimpses into the extended world of magic that students of Hogwart’s don’t ordinarily get to see. He once gave a student a magical device that allowed her to travel back in time, merely so she could attend more classes; he knew she wouldn’t abuse the power. Well, she did a little bit.
So if he trusts you, and you prove to be a good student, you’ll be granted to some of the most fascinating and cool knowledge passed down by generations of magicians. However, if you prove to be incompetent, or given to evil behavior, he’ll drop you like a hot potato. He’ll lavish his attention on someone else. It would be a petty race amongst students to see who can curry favor with the headmaster, but isn’t that a dynamic present in every British boarding school?
Dumbledore is the man you don’t want to piss off. Your grade, and your prode, depends on it.
2. The Doctor
from “Doctor Who” (1963 – 1989, 2005 – present)
The Doctor is an ancient alien, the last of his kind, who traverses the universe in a time-traveling spaceship. He has seen a lot, and knows a lot. He is intimately familiar with Earth’s history, as he has a thing for humans, and our ability to adapt and improve. He’s fond of Shakespeare and Dickens. He is, however, very lonely, and often deigns to take companions along with him on his space travels, mostly so he can share the wonder with someone. Of course, he gats into all kinds of scrapes, usually involving the fate of the entire universe, but he always manages to stay ahead of the game, mostly because he’s very, very clever.
The doctor is energetic, and appreciates wit and intelligence. He seems to select his companions based not on their booksmarts, but how openminded they are, and how well they can think clearly in a pinch. If you are clever and eager enough, The Doctor will show you all kind of wonders and joys and adventures. You may have a hand in his next save-the-universe scheme.
But if you are not up to snuff… well, no matter who has played the doctor (and there have been 11 actors over the decades), you would just see the crestfallen disappointment on his face. He would be like a betrayed parent, not so much angry at you, as untrusting of his own choice to bring you along. Oh the guilt. Oh the horror. The Doctor would not kill you, but he would, effectively, break up with you. I would love to travel with the Doctor, and I would be sure to be on my best behavior.
1. Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
from “Star Trek: The Next Generation” (1987-1994)
The best captain of any Enterprise, Capt. Picard (Patrick Stewart) is a level-headed, calm, egalitarian leader who trusts anyone, is eager to help, and is a stringent stickler for proper etiquette. No raucous blowhard, Picard has the smarts and the tenacity to run the largest starship in Starfleet. He drinks tea, reads old books, and likes classical music. He can quote Shakespeare, and encourages his staff to explore their passions. This is a man who is, effectively, smarter and classier than all of us. Sure, he may not often join the senior staff in their weekly poker games, preferring to spend time alone, but his aloofness is befitting of his position. What would we have if we had a Starfleet captain who got into fistfights and shagged a lot of women? Oh wait. We’d have Capt. Kirk.
Capt. Picard was the ultimate leader who forced you to become better. He wouldn’t do it with jokes or friendliness, though. He would just expect it from you. He’s reached a level of authority where average Joes no longer dick about with buttons, but works with a highly professional crew who are all expected to be at their A-game at all times.
If you mess up in front of Picard, he wouldn’t just sneer in disappointment, but you just KNOW he would remember it. He wouldn’t mock you about it, or bring it up in front of you, but he would take every screw-up into consideration when considering your next promotion. He’s a hard man to impress, but he still manages to get you to want to impress him.
Would I make a good Starfleet officer? Probably not (in the universe of NextGen, you’re expected to pass basic calculus in the 4th grade). But having a leader like Picard would make me want to try.
