The Top-10 Cars That Come To Life

On Friday, Pixar’s “Cars 2” will be released, and my criticism of the franchise remains: Where are the people? This universe of intelligent cars is a creepy, creepy universe, as I can’t tell where these talking, thinking machines came from. It doesn’t take too large a leap of imagination to picture “Cars” as a post-apocalyptic parable where the cars killed all the humans in a gory war, and took over. What’s more, Michael Bay (who, for some reason, has not yet been killed, dissected, and harvested for his teeth and inner pockets of unguents) is going to release the third of his live-action “Transformers” films the following week, making for a summer veritable full of talking, intelligent cars.

I have even seen ads for a new car model that has sensors in its bumpers, allowing it to stop suddenly should it sense danger. Yes, we’ve reached the point where we can program our cars with a Spider Sense. These same cars can parallel park themselves. Does anyone else see this less as a brilliant and convenient innovation, and more as a hugely creepy step toward machine domination?

In honor of the crawly feelings we feel watching talking cars flirt with one another, I have compiled a list of talking and/or intelligent cars from movies and TV. There are actually fewer than you think.

10) The Gadgetmobile

from “Inspector Gadget” (1999)

Here’s a warning: If you loved Don Adams’ 1983-1986 cartoon show “Inspector Gadget,” for the love of God, don’t go back and revisit it. Let your cherished childhood memories stay where they are. If you go back, you may find what a bad show it was, how awkwardly animated it was, how poorly written. It was cute and funny as a child. It may prove horrifying and abrasive as an adult.

In 1999, in an early grab for the nostalgia buck (long before Hollywood was adapting every single available property), Disney made a live-action film version of “Inspector Gadget” starring Matthew Broderick, which was every bit as sloppy and abrasive as the TV show. The two or three seconds of funny material and generally good production design weren’t enough to offset the weird editing and general crumminess of it. What the film did have, though, was an updated version of The Gadgetmobile.

In the TV show, the Gadgetmobile was merely a sedan that could transform into a sports car. In the movie, it’s a full blown robot life form, complete with a cute face, a wonderfully insane attitude, and a human voice (played by comedian D.L. Hughley). The dialogue it spewed wasn’t clever or anything, but I recall it being a refreshingly self-aware creature in a miasma of weirdness.

9) Wheels and Roadie

from “Pole Position” (1984)

If you’re any age, I think you’ve been exposed to the “Pole Position” video game at some point. It was the arcade game most often found in rec rooms and pizza parlors, and was one of the first arcade games to featured a steering wheel and stick shift right on the machine. The steering wheel would spin freely, and you could fling that thing as hard as you wanted, making your video car crash in a fiery fireball of glorious pixels. I still have memories of the low-tech recorded voice saying “prepare to qualify” at the game’s outset.

In 1984, DIC Entertainment adapted the low-concept game into a high-concept TV series for Saturday Morning consumption. The show was more than just racing, as it followed the exploits of a group of children and teenagers, as they followed in the super-spy footsteps of their unseen (and dead) parents. Each kid on the Pole Position spy team was given a secret identity, one was given a raccoon-monkey hybrid pet, and two of them were given talking, thinking cars (a la “Knight Rider”) to aid them in adventures and missions. The two cars were names, perhaps uncreatively, Wheels and Roadie.

Wheels was a 1965 Mustang with a grumpy voice, and a careful disposition. It seemed smarter than the kids. Wheels was played by Melvin Franklin from The Temptations. Roadie was a bit more bland in comparison, but was a much cooler, super-sleek future car. The “Pole Position” TV series gave us more than just childhood fantasies of being able to drive cars, but gave us talking, intelligent cars to help us on our way.

8) Mustafa

from “Ruby 3” (1990)

This one wins the obscurity prize. Mustafa was the aircar of Ruby, the Galactic Gumshoe, star of a series of radio dramas beginning in the 1980s, and continuing today (there are eight “Ruby” series to date). I do realize that I’m one of the only people in the world to care about radio drama, so bear with me on this one.

Ruby lives on the distant planet of SummaNulla in the distant future, when Earth has been bought by Disney, and weird, spiritual crises are cropping up everywhere. Ruby is sassy and tough, and usually can fight her way out of a group of Slymies just as well as she can outwit the mob. She has the ability to slow time, and is never without her Smith-Hitachi-Godzilla Blunderbuss Blaster.

Also with her is Mustafa, her talking aircar. Mustafa looks like a 1940s Mercury with stubby wings and a tail, and is equipped with a cannon in his trunk. Mustafa seems like an old soul, however, preferring to offer Zen-monk-like advice (“The tongue is soft and remains. The teeth are hard and fall out.”), and saying things like “I hear and I obey” in his Indian accent. Easy in a scrape, and calming on those long flights, Mustafa is the car to get.

7) Click and Clack, The Tappet Bros.

from NPR’s “Car Talk” (1977-present)

These guys are cars, right? I mean, they talk about cars all the time, and they make funny car noises on their show. They must be cars. These guys are cool, ’cause they’re they only real-life intelligent cars that you can actually call and talk to. If you have questions about your ailing vehicle, they’ll offer advice on what’s wrong and how to fix it. They should know. They’re cars. I hear their real names are Tom and Ray Magliozzi. I think that’s just a rumor. Their names are Click and Clack. They are cars. They are. Just call 1-888-CAR-TALK

The real 7) Speed Buggy and Schleppcar

from “Speed Buggy” (1973-1983) and “Wonderbug” (1976-1978) respectively

There was a curious subculture in the mid 1970s that revolved entirely around dune buggies. White suburban kids would buy offroad-ready buggies, soup them up, stock them up with camping equipment, beers and prophylactics, and head out into the wilds. If you’ve ever been watching a low-budget, late ’60s sexploitation film, and wondered why there was a long, long sequence of kids off-roading, know that it linked up to what kids were really doing at the time.

Not to be outdone by the trend, Hanna-Barbera developed one of their longest-running, limited animation series “Speed Buggy,” about a coughing, sputtering, talking dune buggy and his cadre of teeanage sleuths, gadding about, playing in a band, and solving mysteries. It was like “Scooby-Doo,” but with a car instead of a dog. And longer lasting. The show ran a curiously long time, despite its thin premise.

A show that shared its premise almost identically was the Krofft’s “Wonderbug,” about a trio of teen sleuths who drove around in a living dune buggy they called Schleppcar. Schelppcar didn’t speak, but could kind of mutter and sputter. When they blew the horn, Schleppcar would transform into Wonderbug, and had the ability to fly and to go underwater. I have a theory that Wonderbug and Speed Buggery – I mean Buggy – were actually the same vehicle, and would moonlight with different groups of kids. My theory give the car a rich, devious double-life that’s fun to contemplate while you’re high, and watch re-runs of either.

6) Benny

from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” (1988)

Benny is a talking taxicab, built in 1910, and still working decades later. He’s a street-wise New Yorker, displaced to L.A., always quick to give a ride, and able to instantly appear anytime you stick out your thumb. He’s a good buddy, willing to chat you up like any good cabbie, and able to elude anyone who might be tailing you. If I were embroiled in some devious intrigue, and evil ‘toons were on my tail, I’d definitely want Benny on my side.

Benny does have a few weaknesses, sadly. He can be impounded like any car, and if he drives through The Dip, he’s outta luck. And, even though he’s a ‘toon, he can still get into real crashes like any car, and, like any car in the 1940s, isn’t equipped with seat belts or any safety devices. Despite his cunning in escaping bad guys, he’s still something of a death trap.

Watch “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” again sometime, and marvel at the special effects in Benny’s scenes. They had to make it look like a human actor was driving around in a cartoon car. The result is amazing.

5) MegaWeapon

from “Warrior of the Lost World” (1983)

MegaWeapon is the strong silent type. A gigantic truck with cannons, guns, and a cow-catcher on the front, MegaWeapon is an intelligent bloke that can crush anything he’s hired to crush. When we meet MegaWeapon, he’s in the employ of an evil corporation that would enslave the reamining human population after the apocalypse, so we’re not necessarily supposed to love him, but… well… he’s just so damn cool.

We know in our heart of hearts that MegaWeapon has a life outside of the corporation, and probably looks at his destructo job for this company as just another paycheck along the way. If MegaWeapon were a person, he’d be a grizzled, alcoholic, ex-army badass who still wins arm-wrestling competitions in his spare time, and dreams of reuniting with his estranged daughter.

Today, I think MegaWeapon lives in Wisconsin with his sister, and is a good uncle to his sister’s kids. If there was a killer, 900,000-pound death machine that I’d want to knock back a few brewskis with, it’d be MegaWeapon. If I met MegaWeapon in a bar, I bet he’d really like me. MegaWeapon! MegaWeapon!

4) Alex

from “Turbo Teen” (1984)

Alex gets in on a technicality, as he is actually just an average white suburban teenager most of the time. He goes to school, he eats junk food, and he tries to crack wise with his various friends. He would hardly be worth nothing on any list, were it not for his strange, strange, strange accidental ability to turn bodily into a Corvette whenever he gets hot.

Yes, Alex is Turbo Teen. I used to watch “Turbo Teen” and wonder how much say Alex had in the driving. He required a friend to drive him, but he could also occasionally steer the car himself. I wonder how he felt about that. Was it a violation if friends drove him against his will? If he got in an accident as the car, would he bruised and beaten up when he turned back into a human? His flesh turned into metal. Did his blood turn into oil? If he was low on gas, could he turn into a human and eat a heavy meal to fill up? Would the gas in the car make Alex feel full? The mysteries were endless.

Also, the ultimate mystery: What if Alex moved to a hot climate? He’d be a car all the time. He’s no longer be a human who turned into a car, but a car that, very occasionally became a man. In a weird way, he could achieve immortality, provided he took care of himself, and replaced his parts with regularity. Turbo Teen would become The Turbo. Alex will live forever.

3) Christine

from “Christine” (1983)

What a badass. What a horrible, horrible lady. Christine, a 1958 Plymouth Fury, is a jealous, demon-possessed succubus who gloms onto the gearhead boy who takes care of her, and kills anyone who insults him, or threatens to take him away from her. She has had a long series of owners over the decades, as she manages to lose all the boys she protects. She doesn’t speak, but can communicate through her radio, which still manages to pick up radio signals from 1958.

When Arnie (Keith Gordon) adopts Christine, she falls in love with him, and proceeds to bring him into their toxic and controlling, pseudo-romatic relationship. When he makes eyes at another woman, Christine will try to smash her car. When bullies try to separate them, Christine will kill them y running them down in the night. And, most shockingly, when bad guys smash her up, Christine will magically repair herself. She’ll even do horrid damage to her own chassis just to run down a thug in a narrow alleyway. That’s the kind of scary commitment you simultaneously want and don’t want from your mate.

If you haven’t seen John Carpenter’s film (adapted from a Stephen King story), I implore that you do. It’s rich, atmospheric, and really, really scary. Stephen King has always notoriously had a fear of loud noisy machines (“Maximum Overdrive” nearly made it onto this list), and Carpenter managed to capture that fear, and give to to wide audiences in the form of his 1983 classic.

2) Herbie

from “The Love Bug” (1968) and others

At first glance, an ordinary Volkswagen Beetle. Upon further inspection, a superfast racecar that can zip along more quickly than any formula racer. Upon even further inspection, a friendly human soul named Herbie, trapped inside a car, complete with the ability to think, reason, and drive himself. Herbie is a wise old soul who knowns good from evil, and will always help out a friend in a pinch. He’s like Benny, but friendlier, more efficient, and silently placid. I always pictured Herbie like a playful, laughing Buddha, willing to get into scrapes, but always at peace. He may be sad at time, but his default position is cheer.

Growing up, I saw Herbie movies on TV all the time. “The Love Bug,” “Herbie Rides Again” (1971), and “Herbie Goes Bananas” (1980) were in the heaviest rotation, although “Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo” (1977) made its way thin there occasionally. As kids, we all have fantasies of driving cars, as we see our parents and guardians doing it all the time, and we long for that kind of control. Little boys especially long to get behind the wheel. Herbie made that dream feel real. If the car could kind of drive for us, we’d have a friend.

Herbie made a reappearance in 1982 with a short-lived TV series. He then took a hiatus until 1997, when he appeared in a TV movie starring Bruce Campbell. I haven’t seen it. Nor did I see the 2002 feature film “Herbie Fully Loaded” with Lindsay Lohan, although I understand it’s a tolerable film. I’d be willing to give it a chance, as my childhood is infused with cheerful memories of a living VW Bug.

1) KITT

from “Knight Rider” (1982-1986)

The granddaddy of them all, KITT is a prim, mannered, well-read, intelligent superspy who just happens to be a car. KITT was developed by Knight Industries, and given to Michael Knight as a means to help fight crime, but the dynamic between the man and the car was quickly established to be one of a crime-fighting team, with KITT often making the best decisions, and doing a god deal of the grunt work. Sure, Michael was needed to sneak inside buildings and hide under bushes and stuff, but when it came time to whip out the heavy artillery, KITT was your man. Er, car.

What’s more, KITT looked awesome. He had a shiny black paintjob that never seemed to scuff, a sleek sportcar body, and a badass flashing red light on the front of his hood. He could do everything that every single one of James Bond’s car could do and more. And his voice (played by William Daniels in the original series, and Val Kilmer in the 2008 reboot) sounded like the voice of reason.

There was a time when you could go to Universal Studios in Hollywood, and sit inside KITT and converse with him. Very occasionally David Hasselhoff himself would come down and pose for pictures with you. The “Knight Rider” series lasted four seasons, but has left an indelible mark in the minds of the little boys who watched it.

Plus, KITT has a cousin. Knight Boat.

 Witney Seibold got his driver’s license when he was 21 years old, and currently drives a 1997 Geo Metro with a dent in the front and slightly misaligned wheels. He really need to take that thing to the mechanic. When he’s not writing about cars, or compiling all kinds of wacky lists for Geekscape, he’s working on his own ‘blog Three Cheers for Darkened Years, and co-hosting The B-Movies Podcast with William Bibbiani over on Crave Online. He also just started a series of Articles called Free Film School which you should check out.