The Ten Most Unlikely Action Heroes of TV and Film

Opening this past weekend was the latest in Luc Besson’s continued attempts to dominate America’s box offices with his revenge flick “Columbiana” starring Zoe Saldana. I’ve seen the previews, and while it’s nice to see Ms. Saldana spending the bulk of her time writhing around in her panties, it does strike me that she seems a little too dainty to be hefting heavy guns and punching guys in the face. Are you telling me that Zoe Saldana, who, despite being 5’7”, probably only weighs about 100 lbs., and could give a nicely placed punch to the throat of a 270 lb. thug, and still take him down? Hm…

This is a problem with a lot of action heroines in Hollywood. They are asked to play gun-toting badasses or jet pilots or soldiers, when they are clearly actresses who were hired for their ability to emote and perhaps their pretty faces, and have likely spent more time at the hair salon than they have actually working out. And women aren’t the only ones. There are plenty of hard-working and talented men in the business who, while being talented actors and charismatic performers, just aren’t the tough-talking action star type. None of this is to say that there aren’t plenty of tough, convincing performers around; those guys are everywhere. But there’s a difference between casting someone like Arnold Schwarzenegger in an action flick (as he looks like he could lift a bus and stare down a biker), and casting, say Ryan Gosling, who is better at brooding and soulful, subtle performances is something as violent as the upcoming “Drive.”

And while the attitude may be there, the toughness may not be present. Sorry, Blake Lively, but I don’t buy you as a jet pilot in “Green Lantern.” In the spirit of the unlikely action hero, and the weird attempts Hollywood often makes to shoehorn non-action types into action movies, here is a countdown of ten unlikely action heroes.

10) John Cusack

in “Grosse Pointe Blank” (1997), “Con Air” (1997), “The Ice Harvest” (2005), and others

John Cusack made a name for himself in teen comedies like “Better Off Dead” (1985), and soulful romances like “Say Anything…” (1989). An entire generation of young women fell in love with John, as he was always the more interesting, smart, nerdy guy that was sitting off in the corner, listening to really cool music on his Walkman, and ready to have a high-energy but low-key conversation on obscure bands, hip movies, and anything else that might be in his wheelhouse of artistic passions.

In 1997, he played decidedly against type in “Grosse Pointe Blank,” in which he played an assassin, and we actually saw scenes of him killing people. To be fair, he was a neurotic assassin, who worried about his job, talked to a shrink, and tried to reunite with the love of his life, but the film still featured a finale where Cusack had to have a violent gun battle with a rival assassin (I won’t reveal the actor who plays his rival, but he, as well, is also not known for action).

He also started cropping up in action supporting roles, like in “Con Air,” although he wasn’t really to one doing the heavy lifting. He’s also been in “War, Inc.” “2012,” and “The Ice Harvest,” all of which left me unconvinced that the soulful and interesting Cusack was a killer or a stunt driver. He can be intense, but stop putting guns in his hands.

9) Patrick Dempsey

in “Run” (1991)

It’s likely you have a crush on Patrick Dempsey too. If you weren’t into him in his earlier teen fare like “Can’t Buy Me Love” (1987), then you fell in love with his dashing doctor in “Grey’s Anatomy.” The man is handsome, and has that movie star sparkle that makes men want to hit him, if they weren’t so damned charmed by him. He’s a lover, not a fighter.

That didn’t stop him from trying, though. In 1991, he was seen accidentally killing a mob kid (sort of) on screen in a chase film called “Run.” He played a law student who go into an ill-advised poker brawl, and ended up being pursued by the mob in Atlantic City. I can see Dempsey as a kid in over his own head, but wielding guns, jumping over cars, and protecting Kelly Preston? That’s another matter.

I understand part of the action film appeal is that a regular guy often finds himself in over his own head (Bruce Willis wasn’t an action star before “Die Hard,” if you recall). But while some people, like Brice Willis, can prove tough and convincing, Dempsey didn’t really have me. He’s a handsome, charming, and talented fellow, but keep him away from guns.

8) Ethan Hawke

in “Training Day” (2001), “Assault on Precinct 13” (2005), and “Brooklyn’s Finest” (2009)

I like Ethan Hawke a lot. He’s like a confused bad kid who does more harm than he ever wants to. He’s the nice guy who hates screwing up. He’s the weirdo who is desperate to please you. Heck, he even once played a melancholy Dane unable to exact revenge. When he’s in his charm mode, he’s good. When he’s in his sufering mode, he’s great.

But when he’s in his kickass mode, he comes across as uncomfortable. In certain cases, this can make an action scene all the more intense (the bathtub scene in “Training Day” is notable), but in many cases, he seems too… I dunno, is “flinchy” too rude a word to use when regarding an actor you admire? When he’s discussing life matters with Julie Delpy in Richard Linklater’s films, he seems so natural. She he’s firing a gun, or playing a cop, he looks like he’s playing dress-up.

Ethan Hawke is not a cop. He’s a student. He’s a professor. He’s a boyfriend, good or bad. He’s a lout. He’s a rock star. He may be handsome, but he’s not an action guy.

7) Dennis Miller and Chris Sarandon

in “Bordello of Blood” (1996)

I’m really only mentioning this one because I have a massive soft spot for this film. It’s gory, funny, over-the-top, and is loaded with bare breasts and gallons of blood. It’s a latter-day exploitation movie that nearly has the pure spirit of the 1970s lurking around its edges. I know that it doesn’t have the best critical reception, and it’s plenty dumb, but, as a critic, I have to admit when I like something, and I like “Bordello of Blood.”

In the film’s climax, a greasy private dick (Miller), and a greasy televangelist (Sarandon) decide to break into the titular bordello, and spray the vampire hookers therein with gallons of holy water. It’s a pretty cool scene, as intestines go flying and half-burned, topless vampire women run in terror, all set to the strains of Krokus’ cover of “Ballroom Blitz.” It’s the brief action climax to a cheesy horror flick for the 15-year-old in all of us.

But it was downright embarrassing to see the wry comedian Dennis Miller, known for his smug coolness and intellectual obscure references, to spew out one-liners like James Bond. He actually says “cha-ching” after exploding a vampire in the movie. He warns another about a gun being half-cocked. Miller does his best, but not once in the movie did I buy him as a grizzled street vet accustomed to violence. Sarandon fares a little better, as his career has been more varied. Indeed, he played a vampire himself in “Fright Night” (1985).

6) Saoirse Ronan

in “Hanna” (2011)

Earlier this year, Joe Wright, better known for mannered period dramas like “Pride and Prejudice” and “Atonement,” directed a pleasantly surreal action flick called “Hanna,” where a 14-year-old girl, possibly genetically altered, stalked across Europe, evading authorities, and killing when necessary. Imagine if a wild wolf was a teenage girl with daddy issues, and you’ll see where the character is coming from.

Soairse Ronan, now only 17, had only been largely introduced to the world a few years previous in “Atonement,” and, thanks to her large blue eyes and intense acting (not to mention an Oscar nomination), already had something of a reputation as an upcoming thespian. Odd that she should be chosen to play a super killing machine in the fashion she did.

While the film did argue that she was genetically altered, and spent the bulk of her life learning how to fight and use weapon living in the Finnish tundra, I still have trouble seeing a 14-year-old taking down a heavily-armed CIA spook. The first few kills might be surprises, but after that, not so much.

5) Helen Mirren

in “RED” (2010)

Okay. Okay. Helen Mirren can do little wrong. She’s been in a handful of stinkers (see “Shadowboxer” sometime. Hoo boy), but she’s never been bad herself. She is possessed of the British actors’ work ethic that dictates that no role is small, and to bring your A-game even to the silliest thing. Whether she’s the long-suffering wife of Leo Tolstoy, or a brave owl, she’ll bring it. As a result, she’s appeared in a few action flicks, and was actually convincing in most of them.

But in 2010’s “RED,” I didn’t quite see it. Part of the appeal of “RED” was seeing classy older actors like Morgan Freeman and John Malkovich firing guns and rolling around, but all throughout, it was more of a fun gimmick than a necessity. About halfway through the film, we meet Helen Mirren’s character, who is, like all her co-stars, a onetime spy who is now long-retired. She is recruited to help out some buddies fulfill a mission that is to involved to write about here.

In the film’s climax, though, Helen Mirren takes the reigns behind an enormous tank gun, slips into a pair of combat boots, and fires away at the bad guys. Mirren’s face convinces me that she’s determined and skilled, but the filming and the situation strikes me as patently ridiculous. Again: Mirren is a treasure. “RED,” not so much.

4) Sarah Michelle Gellar

in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (1997-2003)

I got to see Ms. Gellar in person once. I was working at a movie theater in Santa Monica, CA, and she came to see some action blockbuster. To tie it into an above entry, I think it was “Con Air.” I didn’t talk to her at all, but she did pass within a few feet of me. She was tiny. Like, very tiny. Practically wispy. She looked as if a strong exhalation could push her against the wall. Sarah Michelle Gellar, I learn is 5’4” Plus she’s skinny as a rail. Yeah, she’s small.

And yet, she was chosen as the ass-kicking lead of the cult TV series “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” From what I understand, the show’s title was the central joke of the series, casting a pretty blonde hometown cheerleader as the unexpected inheritor of Vampire Slayer status. Talking to some of its fans, I learn that the show quickly became somewhat convoluted, once the heroine graduated high school, but I think the effect was the same, as you still has a pretty, skinny blonde stabbing monsters.

That little creature could not stab a monster. Maybe she could jump on its back and pound lightly on its head with her fists, but unless the vampire is resting in a coffin, and she had a good long windup on the mallet, I don’t see her being able to actually drive a stake into a creature of the night. I know Gellar did have much martial arts training for the role, and did a lot of physically arduous chores to get in shape for the role. But, sorry fans, she just doesn’t look like she could take down a vampire.

3) Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines

in “Running Scared” (1986)

The mismatched buddy cop movie was in full swing in 1986, likely thanks to the success of Walter Hill’s “48 Hrs.” (1982). As the genre progressed, the films became more elaborately plotted, a bit more toothless, and began to incorporate a lot more chases and shootouts. The pairings became increasingly bizarre, almost to the poitn of parody. But I can think of no stranger pairing (this side of parody) than 1986’s “Running Scared” which cast Broadway darling Gregory Hines and nebbish comedian Billy Crystal as cops.

Bu 1986, of course, “Police Academy” had already been with us for a while, and, well, if Hollywood could cast such a gentle soul like Steve Guttenberg as a street thug-turned-cop, anything goes. Why not get two funny guys like Hines and Crystal as cops? To be fair, they spend a portion of the film on vacation in Key West, but when they return to Chicago to close a case they never solved, the chases and investigating begin, and, according to legend, they come off about as well as Fletch.

Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines as cops. I just don’t get it.

2) Pretty much the whole cast of “Southland Tales.”

I’ve written about Richard Kelly’s bizarro sci-fi experiment “Southland Tales” (2007) in the pages of Geekscape before. It was Kelly’s attempt to make an epic political comment on porn, politics, Bush, WWIII, time travel, and the end of the world, all rolled into an over-the-top 145-minute, batshit crazy experimental film, peppered with recognizable actors. I don’t want to get into the story of it here, but know that it is an epic, twisted rigmarole that involved warring gang factions, political opportunists, porn stars, and rogue weapons dealers all vying for control in a near-future California.

Kelly, for whatever reason (if there is any reason around here), chose to cast a large slew of “Saturday Night Live” performers in tough roles. While I can buy Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as a tough guy, I have much more trouble swallowing a ripped-up Cheri O’Teri as a dangerous Marxist revolutionary. Or Nora Dunn as the same. Or Amy Poehler. Or John Lovitz as a corrupt, foul-mouthed cop.

A lot of the film’s casting was weird anyway (Kevin Smith as a long-bearded old man was particularly strange), but having so many recognizable TV comedians fighting out a perfectly earnest, street-bound drug war crossed over the line of surreality. If you’re brave, watch this one. It comes close to HFS territory.

1) Cary Grant

from “North by Northwest” (1959)

Can you think of a classier actor? With more Hollywood credibility as a cosmopolitan man-about-town? Is anyone as charming and as urbane as Cary Grant? He is a legendary Hollywood performer, and I hardly need to spend much time ranting about his effervescence. He did star is a large variety of films, but he will be most often remembered as the erudite city boy, quick with a quip, and ready to with a wink.

Alfred Hitchcock also needs no introduction as the one-time producer of some of the world’s best thrillers and blockbusters. You’ve seen his movies. If you haven’t, start immediately. Start with “Rear Window” and work your way forward. Hitchcock liked to often cast actors against type, most notably Jimmy Stewart, reputed to be one of the gentlest and nicest actors to ever work, and who, in Hitch’s hands, played fetishists and voyeurs.

In his hit “North by Northwest,” Hitchcock cast Cary Grant as the wrongfully accused man on the run from bad guys. Grant has two spectacular and famous action set pieces in the movie, the first is where he finds that he is going to be dive-bombed by a cropduster, and has to flee on foot. The other is where he and Eva Marie Saint are dangling by their fingernails from the faces of Mt. Rushmore. Cary Grant is many things, but watching him do stunts and dive and climb and gasp, proves that, well, an action hero is not one of them.

Cary Grant is a legend, and deserves much praise. But I have to admit, I giggled the first time I saw “North by Northwest.”

Witney Seibold is a carbon-based life-form from the planet Earth. He is bipedal, endomorphic, a mammal, and, presumably, human. He has a ‘blog, and a podcast, and you should read one and listen to the other.