The Most Ridiculous Twilight Products We Could Find

There’s some pretty unnerving “Twilight” merchandise roaming the internet as the release of “Breaking Dawn” looms and you’re probably quite overwhelmed by it all.  Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.  I’ve assembled a collection of my, uh… favorite products so you can assemble your Christmas wish-list early.

Edward Cullen panties.  Because you know you nothing attracts the boys like associating sharp teeth with one’s “lady bits”.

Maternity Shirts. Of course.  What lovely young lady wouldn’t want a “Twilight” maternity shirt?  If having Edward’s baby isn’t enough for her, you can always buy her a shirt indicating her baby’s a primal parasite that’ll likely kill her with the Little Nudger t-shirt.

Once your “little nudger” (AKA: death parasite) is out of your system, you can dress him in this t-shirt, making sure to start that Oedipus complex early on.

A shout out to the bronies in the audience, you too can join the “Twilight” fandom with this set of ponies customized to celebrate the marriage between Edward and Bella.

As if a million voices cried out in terror…

For the “Twilight” fan who likes looking good, you can spend $30 on a hairdryer that someone has applied a “Twilight” sticker.  

This blows.

…Jacob Black embryo pendant.  So you can wear your favorite character as a fetus around your neck…?  I’ve got nothing, absolutely nothing.  Someone please just buy me this.

Please?  It looks so happy.

That special person in your life certainly needs a life-sized stand-alone cut-out of one of the Cullens, just as I certainly need more hyphens in this sentence.

Need a shirtless Jacob Black action figure?  So.  Covered.

Uncovered, that is! *rimshot*

Now that you have your shirtless Jacob Black, you probably want this sparkling dildo (link is, obviously, NSFW) to help you get your raging desires under control.  According to the website, “The Vamp” is designed to maintain temperature, so you can pop it in the fridge and get your Edward-induced necrophilia on.

Once you’re spent, you can curl up on your Edward body pillow.  Wait, no, you can’t.  They’re sold out. :*(

Dear god.

Then, for the rest of us, this kit just might come in handy…