The Geekscape KFC Double Down Taste Test

Do you remember the scene in Fight Club where Tyler and ___ were stealing human fat to make that organic soap? Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are comedy geniuses in that scene. When the bag of fat gets stuck on the barbed wire and starts pouring onto Brad Pitt, I am both hilariously entertained and positively mortified by the disgustingness that is being poured on him. Now picture if some of that had gotten into his mouth and he ate it. Willingly.

That is the scene I imagine in my head as I get my first taste of a KFC Doubledown.

Today, my curiosity got the better of me and I hoofed it over to KFC to check out their food abomination known as the Doubledown. It is a bacon and cheese sandwich that has replaced the bun with two fried chicken breasts (or grilled chicken breasts, for all the vegetarians out there). I do this for you, dear reader.

I stared into the abyss… and later I tried not puking into the abyss.

Visually, the sandwich looks like it could be tasty. The chicken breasts almost resemble two pieces of bread that were baked without being kneaded into submission. Don’t be fooled. The folks at KFC are kind enough to wrap the sandwich in wax paper so that you don’t have to handle the greasy bun substitutes directly.

I started to actually eat the sandwich. I looked at this beast and my heart sank a little. Just a little. I was about to eat the most disgusting concoction ever created since that last thing that KFC put out.

As I bit into the sandwich, I was overcome with a salty, almost sweat-like, taste. If you could make a sandwich out of grizzle and tears, it would taste exactly like a KFC double down. The cheese and sauce give the DD the most vile texture I’ve ever had the displeasure of “chewing” (forcing down). Imagine a full ketchup packet mixed with Laffy Taffy. I had an extremely hard time eating this sandwich (and writing this sentence).

This is my view while I eat my Double Down. Coincidence? I think not.

Luckily, I enjoy KFC’s coleslaw. I’m not a big coleslaw guy, but I needed a distraction from the taste of this sandwich and my Mt. Dew was not doing enough to cleanse my palette after each bite. That’s right, the taste is so gross you want to get it out of your mouth after each bite.

Apparently, there was bacon on this thing. I am going to skip the pretense of even calling it a sandwich anymore. You can’t taste the bacon, but overall the sandwich tastes more pork like than chicken. Upon being almost done with the foul aberration of Man’s nature and universe, I started to try and finish it. The last few bites were the worst. All that was left was breading and a little bit of cheese. I did the smart thing and just left it alone at that point.
As I walked out of KFC, my conscience was heavy. I was imagining the entirety of that sandwich going straight to an artery. I honestly debated whether or not finding some syrup or ipecac was a good idea or not.

The Doubledown is not a meal, it is self abuse. There should be support groups for cutters and doubldown eaters. On the walk home, on a warm, sunny day here in LA, sweat began to bead on my forehead and I thought, “I’m  not sweating, I’m oozing doubledown.”