Ten Oddball and Controversial Toys

Black Friday is coming up, reminding you that you haven’t done any Christmas shopping, and that you NEED to run out during the busiest shopping day of the year, buy up poorly-thought-out gifts for friends and relatives, and if you don’t, you’ll be a pariah for the rest of your life, dejected from the family, and forced to live in shame and abject poverty in the streets of Calcutta. I don’t know why you’re in Calcutta, but there you are. If you don’t go shopping on Black Friday, brave the horrible traffic, brave the horrible lines, and risk getting trampled to death by greedy consumers, you will be officially considered an empty shell of a person, with no conceivable heart. Also… you’re a cheap bastard.

Okay, I hate the hype surrounding Black Friday as well. The term “Black Friday,” was once just whispered conjecture that postulated the Friday after Thanksgiving was the busiest shopping day of the year. In recent years, however, retailers have co-opted the phrase, and, I guess to exacerbate the issue, have started offering huge markdowns on just that day. To toy with the chaos, the anarchist in me is always tempted to go down to one of the busier retailers (say Best Buy) and shout things like “My God! They’ve run out! Grab what you can!!” and just watch the fighting begin. Another fun trick: Ride your bike or bus to the local mall, and then wander around the mall’s parking structure on foot jingling your keys, looking for your car. You get ten points for every car you can get to follow you.

And, of course, we’re all looking for the hot toy item that year. I’ve never really understood the idea of a “hot toy.” If Tickle Me Elmo is fun at Christmas, it’d be fun at other times of the year. I guess since little kids know that gift-receiving is in the pipeline, toy manufacturers have tapped right into that dynamic, and wait until December to unleash toy items, making for inflated glut, desperate need, and the ultimate feeling of failure and resentment. Happy Christmas, kids. Hope your parents love you enough.

In celebration of Black Friday, I’ve gone through my mental rolodex – and did some cursory internet research – and thought up the following controversial toys. These are all real toys, and many of them can still be found used in online auctions. Some of them are still on the market. Some of them were outright recalled because of their controversy. But all of them were considered good ideas at the time, and were actually given to real children. Let’s recoil in horror, shall we?

Archie Bunker’s Grandson

Largely unseen by geeks of this generation, but well-known throughout the general pop-culture consciousness, “All in the Family” is considered to be one of the best sitcoms of all time. I have seen a few episodes, and find the show to be somewhat grating. The central gag is that the show’s lead character, Archie Bunker (Carroll O’Connor), a retired veteran, was cantankerous, sexist and racist. His racist attitudes were kidded over the course of the show, and he was ultimately made lovable. Eventually in the show, to soften up our leading man even more, he was given a grandson, Joey, which he could coo to.

To market the new character, in 1976 a toy company called Ideal Toys released a baby doll of Joey. The package had a photograph of Archie Bunker holding the baby. The toy didn’t look much different than most plastic baby doll toys, but it was controversial for one notable difference: It was the first mass-produced baby doll toy with actual genitals. That’s right. Little Joey had a penis. And while genitals are not unheard of in the doll world, most parents were used to seeing the vague contours of a neuter child on their children’s toys. The penis caused a minor stir.

Bebé Glotón

I just learned about this toy looking around online for items for this list. Evidently Berjuan, a toy manufacturer in Spain, has made a battery-operated baby doll that is designed to make sucking noises, and moves its face in a sucking fashion. It’s designed to be held against your breast so you can simulate breastfeeding. Even though it’s not officially available in America, it’s been causing a bit of an uprising in concerned parents who don’t want their kids to know about breastfeeding.

I’m very positive on breastfeeding. It’s perfectly natural and should be done by everyone; baby formulas are just not going to be as good for your infant. But the thought of breastfeeding little girls is a little strange, don’t you think? A little mechanical sucking robot that looks like it’s trying to chew its way through your child’s chest… well, that’s a horror movie waiting to happen. Childbirth squicks out a lot of adults, and teaching the details of sexual reproduction to kids is an iffy proposition. Maybe breastfeeding can wait until they have an infant sibling.

Happy Family Midge

And speaking of childbirth…

Mattel came out with this doll in 2002, and it’s actually still available, despite some small amount of outcry. Evidently, Barbie has a best friend named Midge who is perpetually in a very, very pregnant state. Midge comes with a maternity dress, and a full-on nursery playset. Accessories include extras baby clothes and extra maternity dresses. If you undress Midge (as so many little girls do with their Barbie dolls), you’ll find an infant bulging out of her stomach wall. You can yank the baby from her abdomen, and play with it as well.

Again, the miracle of childbirth, turned into a bizarro plastic science fiction nightmare by toy manufacturers. I understand that teaching your kids about childbirth is healthy, but when a toymaker tries to put together a realistic bleeding birth kit, they’ve crossed a line. Not all of life’s biological mysteries need to be turned into plastic playsets, Mattel.

Betsy Wetsy

One of the original controversial toys, and one of the first to make play of the more disgusting aspects of infant care, Betsy Wetsy hit stores as early as 1935 from Ideal Toys, the same company that put a penis on Archie Bunker’s grandson. Betsy Wetsy did exactly what it’s name implied: You could pour fluid into its mouth, then squeeze its abdomen, causing the fluid to squirt out of its crotch. It came with a diaper, so you could change it. I think it would be more fun to fill its mouth to capacity, lay it on the floor and wait for a friend or a pet to walk by. At the right moment, drive your heel into Betsy Wetsy’s abdomen, squirting your friend from across the room. It’s a baby doll AND a squirt gun!

I understand little boys and little girls are drawn to different things, but the contrast of boy toys and girl toys is a little gross, and reveals something chilling about our culture, and perhaps about our humanity. Little girls are given baby dolls, kitchen playsets, and other items that prepare them for domesticity. Little boys are given guns, army man action figures, and other toys that prepare them to be soldiers. As a feminist and a pacifist, I find both of these things kind of offensive.

Growing Up Skipper

Mattel put out this toy in 1976, and, from what I gather, it was quickly pulled from shelves. In order to teach little girls about puberty, Growing Up Skipper actually, well, grew up. Skipper, Baribie’s friend, came with two outfits, one for her “short” setting, and one for her “tall” setting. When you rotated her arm, she would grown up a little bit, and, here’s the kicker, she would even grow breasts. Yup, she actually got some boobs. I don’t think the toy came with training bras, but I don’t think they would have been out of place. I once heard that if you continued to rotate the arm, the breast mechanism would burst out through Skipper’s plastic skin, making her seem like a dejected pubescent Terminator. But these rumors were about as true as the real-life Hoverboards you heard about. Sorry, kids. There are no Hoverboards.

I don’t know why Skipper’s small growing breasts caused such an uproar when Barbie herself always has the most impressive rack. I often hear tales about how Barbie, were she a 6 foot tall woman, would be crushed by her own unrealistic body proportions. Barbie has been blamed for several generations’ unhealthy body issues, and instilling an unfortunate “dumb girl” mentality into little girls; remember the Teen Dream Barbie that spoke the line “Math is hard!” I think Growing Up Skipper was hated for putting Barbie’s unfair sexuality to the fore.

The Nimbus 2000

Released in 2001, The Nimbus 2000 was a tie-in toy for the film version of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. It was a plastic version of Harry’s famed, state-of-the-art flying broomstick. It was life-size, and was intended to be mounted, just like in the books and movies. To add some gimmicks to the toy, the British manufacturer added some buttons along the broomstick’s length which played various swooshing sound effects to simulate flying. And, in a truly bizarre decision, they decided to add a “rumble pack” option, making the broomstick vibrate when a switch was flipped.

A long, phallic object intended to be place up in between the legs with a vibrating option. Hm… Some little girls probably had their first sexual experiences thanks to this item, and there were even spotty reports (unconfirmed, of course) of teenage girls buying them up for their sexual properties. Eventually, parents caught wise to the naughtiness of the toy, and it was pulled from shelves. Hear hear. If a teenage girl wants a vibrator, have her get a real one. Using a Harry Potter broomstick is just sick.

The Snacktime Kid

There was a time when Cabbage Patch Kids (1982-present) were the single dominating force in the world. As a child of the ’80s, I recall the glut and fervor that surrounded the little kewpie-faced, soft-bodied creatures with clarity. The central gimmick was that each doll came with a unique birth certificate, and each one had a slightly different face and hair. I got one. So did my sister. We liked those things a lot. Once the initial gimmick wore off, however, Coleco (later Hasbro, later Mattel) had to start innovating new iterations of the dolls.

In 1996, The Cabbage Patch Snacktime kid was released into stores. The snacktime kid was an upright-standing Cabbage Patch doll that came with brightly-colored crayon-like objects. When you placed one of these objects to the kid’s lips, its jaw would begin grinding, and it would crunch down on the stick, effectively eating it. I don’t know if the sticks were reusable. That’s a pretty neat gimmick, I suppose, this doll that would chew on and eat the little sticks that it came with. The downside was that it also tried eating anything else you put near its mouth. Reports of little kids being attacked by the dolls began to rise up, as the dolls would chew on and swallow little kids’ hair. You see horror movies about dolls trying to eat people, but here was a doll that actually tried it. If the toy uprising ever occurs, they would lead the front lines.

Gay Bob

Gizmo Toys created this doll in 1977 to promote gay visibility. Bob was a 13-inch doll with tight jeans, an earring and cowboy boots. I’ve never seen one up close, but reports tell me that he was also anatomically correct. The box he came in was shaped like a closet, so you can even help him come out. Of course, if the closet reads “GAY BOB” on it, I don’t think there’s much of a secret. I guess Bob stood as a homosexual counterpart for the bland, heteronormative Ken dolls that Mattel was constantly churning out. “Where”, the little gay boys must have cried, “is a gay doll for me?”

A gay man toy for kids. With a penis. Y’know, I’m all for gay visibility, but selling a fetish object to little kids seems like a bonehead move.

Xuxa

Xuxa is a Brazilian children’s TV show superstar. In her native country, she has surpassed most celebrities in fame. She is blonde, cute, energetic, and teaches kids lessons about the power of positive thinking, the strength of rainbows, and how friendship and togetherness are the superior forces in the universe. Imagine if Mr. Rogers were more upbeat, and was also an embarrassingly hot Brazilian model, then add some hallucinatory visuals, and you might get a good idea of what Xuxa is like.

Xuxa almost broke out in the states, as her show was aired here briefly in the early 1990s. To promote the show, a Barbie-like doll was manufactured for kids. There’s nothing really controversial about the Xuxa doll: it came with the requisite hats, coats and ultra-short shorts. But the bonkers elements of Xuxa’s personality comes from the fact that, well, she’s really, really hot. This sexy young thing danced about, showing off her thighs to a generation of kids. Many boys, I’m sure, went through puberty to this show. Her toy, then, only served to stir sexual thoughts.

Ouija Boards

If there is a way to contact the afterlife, it needs to be made of plastic and mass-produced by Parker Bros. I have one of the old-school versions of the Ouija Board, wherein it looked like it was made in the 1890s, and featured a picture on the cover of burning candles at a séance. Many parties have been spooked the hell out by Ouija Boards, and we all have tales of that one ghost that seemed to know more than it should. Were your friends moving it, or were you tapping into a malevolent supernatural force? What was ostensibly a board game for kids also tapped into actual dark forms of witchcraft. It’s no wonder, then, that certain killjoy parents decided that Ouija Boards weren’t good for kids. Certain superfundie Christian groups still talk out against them.

These days, the boards seem to have lost a lot of their edge, as they are manufactured in brighter colors, and come with glow-in-the-dark pointers. The odd mysticality of the toy has now been replaced with something more playful. We all know they’re toys, but, again, we all have tales to tell…

Witney Seibold is a 5’10” plastic man with real hair. He can eat and pee and bake cookies. He can also, if you wind him up, write film reviews, which are published on his ‘blog Three Cheers for Darkened Years! He can speak hundreds of phrases, which can be heard on The B-Movies Podcast. He can teach kids about movies as part of the Free Film School. Ha can koe about movie trailers as part of his new show The Trailer Hitch. He’s the best Christmas ever.