by jake108 Friday 20th June 2008

Teabag Prevention: How to Suck Less at Halo Week #10 – The Assualt Rifle

Week 10 already? My God it’s seemed like longer. We here at Teabag Prevention would like to say thank you for reading Weeks 1-10 (and if you haven’t, then this is a not-so-subtle hint telling you to do so, asshole) of Teabag Prevention. This is not the end (well, it is the end of this chapter), but the beginning – as this is only the first chapter in how not to get some Spartan balls in your face.

We’re going to end it the way you start out most games. Not with a whisper, not with a bang, but with an Assault Rifle.

THIS WEEK: THE ASSAULT RIFLE

TIP #1 SHORT BURSTS OF LOVE

The Assualt Rifle is most accurate when being shot in short burts of fire. Holding the trigger down is going to provide you with more misses than hits. When shooting an Assault Rifle at mid-range (for lack of having a better weapon in your possession *ahem*!), you are going to have to shoot in short bursts.

TIP #2 OVERCOMPENSATE FOR YOUR INADEQUATE ACCURACY

Due to the inaccuracy of the weapon, you may run out of bullets before your opponent is dead. If you run out of bullets completely your clip will automatically reload. If you are 100% sure that your clip will not kill your opponent, then the best choice you can make is your reloading time. If it seems like your opponent is not going to kill you with their clip, then you are very lucky. If this is the case, please reload before your oppoenent starts reloading. This will give you the split-second head start that will make the entire difference in a shoot out. Unless they have a Battle Rifle – in which case you’re dead.

Really, if you’re lucky enough to get the second chance to kill your enemy, don’t waste it.

TIP #3 HIT IT OR QUIT IT

An important thing to remember is when to melee. Too many gamers out there either melee too early or too late. It’s a common mistake. It’s also very important to know when your opponent’s shield is low enough to conduct a melee.

It takes about half an Assault Rifle clip to lower their shield…

…enough so that one melee can finish the job. Pimp slap that bitch. Hard. She gone done you wrong.

TIP #4 SPRAY THE PREMATURE HITTER! SPRAAAAAAAAAY!

If you see your opponent seemingly following the tip above, you can either continue with tip #3’s strategy, if you feel comfortable with pulling a Romeo + Juliet with him/her,

or you can take a step back and continue firing and finish your opponent off with the remainder of your clip.

Then snicker at their failure. Early meleeing will be the death of a lot of intermediate players. Take advantage of this.

Tip #5 …BUT I DID-NOT SHOOT-THE VEE-HI-CLE!

The Assualt Rifle doesn’t have an effect on vehicles unless the person(s) occupying them has their shields depleted or near depleated. For example, If a enemy Banshee is flying over you with low shields,you can try your short round burts, or, depending on how close the enemy is, you can go all out. You have the ability to kill whoever’s occupying that vehicle – BUT don’t be dumb enough to think it’s going to kill the vehicle itself. Slim to none, my friend, slim to none.

Another example is enemy in a Ghost. If the person’s shields are depleted, and driving away from you, SHOOT THEM!!!

Things to remember:

Like all projectile weapons, a grenade-projectile combo is always good. So, throw a grenade, lower their shields, and unload half a clip in ’em. That should do it!
Shoot in small bursts of fire
Reload strategically and compensate for the weapon’s inaccuracy.
Spray the shit out of early meleeers.
Works on vehicles only if thier occupants shields are low

Once again, thank you for reading the Weapons Series. This concludes your broadcast day on weapons. You should be able to kill all bitches with anything you see lying on the ground now. Go outside. Pick something up. Kill someone. Take it from us, it is perfectly acceptable!*

*Note: It is completely unacceptable to kill any human person. By outside we meant Valhalla. Go there. It’s pretty…
Indian Thing