Porn is Hard: A Star Wars XXX Set Visit

As famed director of pretty much every worthwhile XXX porn parody of the last few years Axel Braun will often repeat if you’re around him, “porn is hard”. Now, this is a great pun (because of erections, you see), but don’t for a second think that he’s kidding when he’s saying it. Unlike most would imagine, the set of a pornographic film isn’t what you think it would be. There are no fluffers (these are, if you’re working with professionals, a myth), nobody’s doing coke in between scenes (they’re actually practicing lines and setting up shots — see below) and the whole place isn’t “gross” (it’s actually cleaner than most film sets I have ever been to, which is quite a few — CBS procedurals, CW shows that are cancelled, I’m looking at you).

In fact, the work ethic, dedication and determination of the entire crew (actors, director, producers and crew) is not only collaborative, but focused and highly effective — more so than most crews in “normal” media that always have an air of “I’m working on this just to get to my next, bigger gig”. This is the bigger gig. The biggest gig. 

Filming pornography is just as difficult as filming any other medium, only you have actors going above and beyond what your Tom Hankses, Katherine Heigls and even Chloe Sevignys of the world are willing to do (for the most part). Filming a sex scene is like filming a Jackie Chan stunt: you usually have just one shot at it (badum ching) and the actors involved not only have to be convincing, but they have to stay in character.

See? No coke! Allie Haze is practicing her lines

These, among many, are just some of the challenges that go along with filming a porn parody. The first word is porn. This is what separates a (good) porn parody from a regular, Hollywood parody written by two and a half of the cousins of the writers of Scary Movie 12. It’s more difficult than filming most indie films and television shows and it’s more difficult than filming your run of the mill Filthy Teachers 12: Anal Retentive Substitute. So here are some great examples from Geekscape’s visit to the set of one of the most highly anticipated and carefully crafted porn parodies of the last 20 years, Star Wars XXX.

Yes, all the jokes about filming this particular porn parody have been exhausted by the overwhelmingly mainstream, and strangely recent, adoption of the Star Wars series into what we can only call “psuedo-geek” culture; as well as being fully explored in Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno (in which a Star Wars porn parody is the center of the film). But there are no puns in this movie. It’s not that kind of set. There’s more respect than that — both for the original source material and for the medium which is pornography. This is as true of a recreation of A New Hope as you could possibly ask for in a fan film, let alone a porn parody. She isn’t called Princess Lay-Her, he isn’t called Hands So-Low and he sure as hell isn’t called R2DP. This is a production that, fittingly, takes it self seriously enough to deliver a true-to-the-original feel, while still doing one of the most difficult things in entertainment: comedy. So here are some misconceptions you may have had about the making of this film, and all pornographic films, that do prove the point that porn isn’t just a bunch of puns, crappy acting, fake boobs and enormous penises. It’s all about homage-acting, real boobs and enormous penises. And much like any art form (yes, art form) it’s about getting it “right”.

1. They Spend Real Time on the Costumes

When talking to the costumer for this production, I found that she actually spent hours on the Chewbacca costume. It’s a true-to-the-film, authentic costume that features everything we love about chewbacca: the furriness of the coat, the thick, believable hair, the fact that it weighs 70 lbs. (or as much as your average Hollywood actress) and, most importantly, the fact that you can fit an enormous penis through it. That’s right. Chewbacca is going to fuck in this movie. He takes two female storm troopers to town. And he fucks them in that town. In the butt.

The costuming/make-up room for this set looks much like (and even classier) than it does for most television productions. You’ve got your dedicated costumer, and your chatty, charming and wonderful make-up girl who seems to know more about the source material than most people. Most people working on this crew are excited to be doing so. Do you know how hard it is to find people that are this dedicated to not only a pornographic production, but a production in general?

Almost everything Axel Braun does is a passion project. Just to prove this point, the actors playing Chewbacca in Star Wars XXX, Dick Chiblis, is a former wrestler, an insanely in-shape dude, and an original Star Wars Geek. When he was a little kid, like all of us, he used to play Star Wars. Although, when Dick Chiblis use to play Star Wars, he was always Luke (meaning, he was the Alpha male of his group, and any girl who had a crush on any of his group probably had a crush on him). Being the Luke in your group was always a mark of honor. I, for one, was always the R2, meaning I didn’t have sex until late, late high school. Have you ever seen the Lord of the Rings special features? The parts where Elijah Wood, the Orcs and all the other creatures are being put into make-up? A Star Wars XX porn set is very similar.

On a Star Wars XXX porn parody (the first, relatively big budget production stab at this “will Lucas sue us?” porn franchise), Chewbacca himself has to go through multiple stages of preparation. And here they are:

The night ended with Chewbacca choke-slamming me onto the floor.

2. The Performances Are Not Only Stellar, But Carefully Crafted

Knowing Axel Braun, I’ve been on a few of his porn parody sets, and knowing him (as William Bibbiani — film editor of CraveOnline and fellow Geekscapist called him), the Stanely Kubrick of porn, everything has to be perfect. We spent an extra few hours on set when we visited because the dude playing Han Solo had his hair parted slightly differently than he did at the beginning of the film. Axel Braun looks for/asks for perfection from his team and it really is a team. No single actor is there just to “do their job”. Everyone is contributing to a single art piece that is not only meant for people to laugh, but for people to realize that they can laugh at not only themselves, but the source material. It’s like every geeky reviewer ever, only naked, and having sex with women (I know, I know, it’s hard to imagine — and please, for your own sake, don’t attempt to).

The Stanley Kubrick of porn. There. We said it. Again.

When on the set, there was a point where they were filming the scene where, after the rescue in A New Hope, Han, Leia and Luke get trapped in the trash chute while R2 and 3P-O are in the control center. When they reach an initial point of dismay, Han Solo must say “What an interesting smell you’ve discovered!” to Luke.

As soon as they finished filming this for the first time, the writer/producer of Star Wars XXX asked Geekscape’s Brian Walton and I “should you tell him or should I?”. Naturally we let the man do his job in correcting the man playing Han Solo so that he said the line “What an interesting smell you’ve discovered!”. Just like in A New Hope. With Harrison Ford’s inflections and everything. Like I said, these guys are true geeks.

Accuracy isn’t only important when making a porn parody. It is key to going home on time. You can be on a movie set for 14 hours, but if you don’t get what you need, coverage-wise, it’s pointless. The makers of Star Wars XXX are not only men who take pride in their work. They’re ones who make it an art form, instead of just something to watch while your girlfriend is out of town, or before an important date (just to make sure you’re “good” in case of “later”).

3. The Entire Crew Are Geeks

This is what’s in the bathroom. Magic the Gathering booklets.

They care about this movie. The way I, and Geekscape initially became friends with Axel Braun was his ability to quote/know any movie, no matter how geeky, we could dole out. Not only that, but any geeky television show, book, or even film, the man had already seen. This means that this is most likely the reason the most financially successful director in pornography loves the Geekscape team so much, but that whenever we are on set we make it so that he doesn’t have to think of a few things.

This is the back of one of the sets. These guys roll deep.

One of which is Allie Haze, who is playing Leia (and is objectively adorable) and her opportunity to take care of a few canonical and pop-culture-well-known things, like taking that picture of Leia being groped by Chewy (originally from a Rolling Stone), and taking advantage of that relationship just to get some hilarious pictures. Brian Walton pointed out a great fact that this picture (even though it was from Empire), needed to be taken in order to pay homage to the film): And so they did.

Needless to say, these people were dedicated. Down to the last actor. Down to the last extra. I had a featured role in the film (yes, “film”) that included being an Imperial Officer who was just waiting for the daily strip show from a hot, alien girl. (This is a very important part of the final product, you see).

4. Having Sex is Hard

Imagine having sex. Even if it’s been a while for you, imagine it’s happening right now. Now, imagine it’s being filmed by at least 15 guys who you would be intimidated to talk to during a party. Now, imagine that each of those dudes has a professional and financial stake in how well yo do at the sex. “The sex”. Now imagine how much their input matters. Now, put yourself into this situation. This is as easy as porn gets.

When filming a scene that revolves around a male actor getting down with a few female actors and really making it seem as though they’re either drunk at a party or genuinely interested in each other after a good meeting, you’ve really got to sell that there’s a semblance of an instant attraction. This happens before the scene is filmed. Actors talk, joke, get to know each other and even give each other a little bit of overly-familiar fondling love before they know they have a “love” scene together. The point here is to establish familiarity while also creating a new, unique, slightly awkward relationship where you are all going to have to perform something as private as most of us treat going to the bathroom. When’s the last time you filmed yourself doing it? Exactly.

So, not only do these people have to stay in character, they have to divulge the most intimate ways in which they care for their loved ones, or the worst drunk moments we’ve all had, in order to achieve what they’re getting paid for.

The place used to also double as a sex dungeon, so, there’s also that.

From a Wookie having to work through 6 inches of fur in order to be able to bang two storm troopers, to Luke having to work through a storm trooper outfit in order to get his groove on, to even Han having to give Leia what we all dreamed as children we could, there’s real work that goes into filming a sex scene on a porn parody. And that art comes with professionalism, perseverance and pure performance.

Has anyone ever filmed you doing crunches? Now imagine that someone is not only filming you doing crunches when you’re working your hardest, but that you have to stay in some form of character during those crunches. This is how hard porn is.

So, from production value (which really comes, when you have a lower budget than most big-budget Hollywood films, when the crew and actors are really into it), to actual performance (which can only be quantified by how hard people are working and how HARD people ar working), to getting the tone of the film right (which happens purely in directing/editing), porn is hard. It’s harder than most film and it’s more challenging that most television you’ll run into. Because there’s a huge difference between getting a joke a right and getting a “shot” right. Imagine that the most private moments you’ve ever had are now not only public spectacle, but are being evaluated by your peers, friends and family… now imagine that these acts require you to make people laugh as well.

Let’s see Steve Carell pull that off.

So, in closing, porn is hard. It’s harder than most things because how many times do you have to have sex in front of a camera and how many times do you have to act identical to one of the most important films in pop culture history in order to go home at the end of the night? No matter how fanciful it seems and how much of a “dream come true” it sounds like, pornography is incredibly difficult to pull off at a professional perspective and is also insanely challenging to bring to a screen where people are meant to be not only enjoying it… but ENJOYING it. Even if you have a popular web series, show me one thing you’ve shot where you’ve worn your body out to its very limits. THIS is what making porn is all about. And as Axel Braun will remind you, it’s not only “hard”, it’s what makes what he does an art form.