Let the Tournament Begin!

Some movies are crowd pleasers that make you laugh and cheer. Some movies are cute and cuddly and warm the cockles of your heart like hot cocoa. Some are well-crafted, exquisite works of art.

GAUNTLET movies are none of the above.

GAUNTLET movies are watched in bulk. TWO, THREE, even FOUR in a sitting. They are an endurance contest for only the strong of will and weak of taste. Lesser men have clawed out their eyes rather than finish, and then crawl away to die alone in shame. We call those people Cinema Studies majors. Even when they’re bad, we love them the way a pervert loves a vacuum cleaner.

BUT BE WARNED: only those with the most effulgently brassy of mighty brass testes (or ovaries, we’re not prejudiced here) can make it through a GAUNTLET. Those who do are a rare breed. We don’t just laugh at bad taste, we EMBRACE it. We don’t just appreciate schlock, we REVEL in it. And we don’t just watch these movies, we CONSUME them! And then we tell you about it because we wish to inflict our madness on others!

The GAUNTLET has been thrown down. But don’t just pick it up. Smell its fingers. Then put it on and pick your nose with it!

Back in the 80s, you could apparently sell a karate movie that didn’t come from Hong Kong, or Japan, or Thailand. Or star performers with acting skills as well as intensive martial arts training. You could cast anyone, and go to someplace equally exotic like the former Yugoslavia. Or South Africa. Or, er…Phoenix, Arizona. A good martial arts movie could come from any of these places.

In theory, anyway.

My friend Quinton and I did this gauntlet about six months ago. For the purposes of journalistic research I recently subjected myself to it again. When I told him of my plan and invited him to join me, Quinton suddenly remembered an appointment he had in Sri Lanka to have himself trepanned using a heavy rock and a wooden stake.

Title: Gymkata
Genre: Your average Olympic gymnast is recruited by the CIA to become a human weapon in order to preserve democracy.
Tag Line: The skill of gymnastics…the kill of karate!
Filmed In: The former Yugoslavia…and perhaps letting it film there was a more heinous crime than anything else Milosevic ever committed. Including the manufacture of the Yugo.
Year of Release: 1985
Cast: Kurt Thomas, Tectchie Agbayani, Richard Norton, Edward Bell
Director: Robert Clouse
Writer: Charles Robert Carner
Running Time: 90 minutes

 
Plot: Parmistan is a crappy little backwater country that has yet to appear in any Frommer’s guide. Mainly because any foreigner who enters is forced to play ‘The Game,’ which is kind of like a boot camp obstacle course, only with ninjas trying to kill you and a town full of mentally ill folk who have a lot of pointy objects. Unfortunately Parmistan is geographically located so it would be a great place to have a Star Wars defense installation. After his father is killed playing the game, Olympic gymnastics champion Jonathan Cabot goes in to win the game and convince the ruler, the Kahn (no relation to Shao Kahn) to let the defense department set up shop. Seems kind of selfish, since he could use his one request from winning the game to, I don’t know, let the people of Parmistan have things like cars, telephones, indoor plumbing or maybe modern dentistry. But hey, in ’85 we still had the cold war.

Breaking Point: About twenty minutes in. After she tied him up, strangled him and kicked him in the balls in their first training session, the Princess Ruballi of Parmistan seems to be Cabot’s kind of girl: mute AND paranoid. In order to seduce her, Jonathan performs both sides of their conversation. He says good morning, then does a neat back flip and answers as Ruballi in a girlish falsetto. I once seduced a girlfriend using this exact technique. Well, I used a sock puppet. OK, I seduced the sock puppet.

Similar Films: Mean Guns, The Warriors, Rat Race
Pain Equivalency: Being forced to wear Kurt Thomas’ jock strap like a surgical mask after he’s been doing floor exercises for 90 minutes.

Number of Asian Actors: 2
Review: After showing off his half-mullet haircut and gymanstical prowess in a nice slow-mo opening, Jonathan Cabot gets recruited to play the aforementioned game which resulted in his father getting killed. To prepare, he runs a lot of miles behind a guy on horseback, learns to walk up a flight of stairs on his hands (letting us get too many close looks at his package…fucking short shorts) and beaten up by a mute Thai girl.

Then Cabot and Princess Ruballi travel to Karabal, on the Caspian Sea. We know this because the title card tells us that they’re in Karabal, on the Caspian Sea. Their local contact is named the Stork and has cool hatchets and spring loaded knives for them to use, which are never seen after their Q division style introduction. While enjoying the Karabal nightlife, a guy in a turban spits in Jonathan’s face, and tells him ‘Yankee go home.’ Apparently Karabal has more Mets fans. Their CIA handlers get killed, Ruballi gets kidnapped, and Jonathan decides to rescue her by stealthily breaking into a mansion in a bright red sweater. He tries the front door, but finds it locked and gets chased away. After finding a convenient highbar (look closely and you can see the chalk on his hands) Jonathan kicks several of his pursuers in the chin and goes back and rescues Ruballi.

Then they sneak into Parmistan, where Cabot meets the Kahn, a sweet old guy in a big ass fur hat whose job consists of denying the 20th century’s existence and getting the crowds of citizens to yell ‘Yak Mallah!’ which is a phrase probably best left untranslated. He also meets the Kahn’s chief aide Zamir, who possesses bad ass feathered hair, a fearsome rat-tail braid, and big-ass pectorals that he displays proudly under his goat-fur vest. Hey, if my man boobs were that toned, supple and hairless I would too. Zamir has also been plotting to fix the games, so that he can take over the country and sell it out to the Commies. It goes to show you can’t trust a dude with a modern haircut in a back-assward country. Zamir also has it out for Jonathan because of the princess; Zamir’s supposed ot marry her for the good of the country or something, and after all, she’s the only chick with straight teeth in the whole place, probably because her mother was a Thai hooker they brought in for the Kahn. The last person worth mentioning is Thorg, a big slab of beef on two legs who looks like he could barely run, but is set to compete. Jonathan has some bizarre hero worship of the guy, but you know he’s a douche because he refuses to shake hands when Jonathan tries to kiss his ass.

So of course the game starts, and both Zamir and this Thorg douche are cheating like hell, trying to kill Jonathan. Tripping him up and kicking hi in the face right at the start? Check. Set fire to his climbing rope when he scales a cliff? Check. Cut his climbing rope above a deep gorge? Check. But Jonathan makes it through all this shit to the best set piece in the whole movie, the ‘Village of the Damned.’

While Parmistan may lag behind in every other field, they are progressive in the field of mental health. Rather than confine people or shock them with electricity (especially since the entire country doesn’t have so much as a flashlight battery) they let their mentally ill roam free in a walled city with access to all the pitchforks, sickles and machetes they could ever possibly want. And boy are they happy! They giggle, they chortle, they make random animal noises, they hack off their own limbs only when extremely upset, and there’s even one dude with an extra face on the back of his head for some reason. Not sure if it’s a mask or a deformity, but Jonathan kicks him in the head several times regardless. So when they all begin to realize that Jonathan could report them to the UN World Health Organization and get them all hooked on prozac, they collectively decide to skewer his mulleted ass. Unfortunately for them they short-sightedly put a pommel horse in their village square. Oh you silly crazy folk, your capriciousness is always your own undoing…putting that pommel horse there just results in a whole lot of you getting kicked in the face the next time a gymkata master comes through, didn’t you see that coming?

So after he escapes there’s a fairly lame 11th hour twist, Jonathan fights Zamir (here’s a hint to the outcome-when it’s feathered hair vs. mullet – ALWAYS bet on the mullet) and the world is safe for Reaganism until Red Dawn gets released. Oh and for some reason Ruballi runs in around in some lycra spandex.

Title: Kill And Kill Again
Genre: Your average martial arts champion/mercenary is hired by the government to prevent a madman from conquering the world.
Tag Line: He’s not one of the best, he is the best!
Filmed In: South Africa, apartheid still clearly VERY much in effect, see below
Year of Release: 1980
Cast: James Ryan, Anneline Kriel, Michael Mayer, Marloe Scott-Wilson, Bill Flynn, Ken Gampu
Director: Ivan Hall
Writer: John Crowther
Running Time: approx. 100 minutes…the DVD case has no time…it may feel like longer, though

Plot: While concocting a formula to make superfuel from potatoes, Dr. Horatio Kane stumbled on a mind control drug as a byproduct. So naturally an evil billionaire kidnaps the doctor, renames himself Marduk (pronounced like Marmaduke, just without the –ma- in the middle) and uses the drug to take over a small town as a precursor to world domination. Of course the government, rather than carpet bombing the place or sending in soldiers with lots of guns, instead recruits world champion martial artist Steve Chase to pull together his team of trusty yet unarmed mercenaries to liberate the town. Ok, Chase does have a pair of nunchucks, but he mostly uses them to show off how he can blow out candles.

Breaking Point: About 40 minutes in. Apparently in 1980 it was still acceptable to have an African character nicknamed Gorilla. Gorilla is the team strong man, banned from pro-wrestling because after every time he wins, he has to ‘…bite the other guy’s ear off. I just can’t help it!’ Apparently Mike Tyson saw this movie and took it to heart. Anyway, while the team is flying by jet, Gorilla experiences an urgent call of nature, but the lavatory is occupied. He hurriedly breaks down the door, forcibly removes the occupant and does his business. Steve Chase apologizes to the stewardess, saying, ‘Please excuse him ma’am. He’s never flown before.’ To that the stew replies, ‘I thought he’d never been let out of the zoo before.’ Steve answers, ‘Actually we bribed his keeper.’ Apartheid clearly was far from over when they produced this one. Later on one of Gorilla’s teammates calls him ‘Captain Midnight’ and complains he should be made to sit at the back of their wagoneer.

Similar Films: The Magnificent Seven, The A Team (ok, not a film)
Pain Equivalency: Like getting hit in the jaw with a two by four…then realizing the reason it’s stuck to your face is because it had nails in it.

Number of Asian Actors: 1

Review: The opening says it all about this movie. Lead James Ryan strikes poses in silhouette to imitation porno music in desperate attempt to remind the audience of the James Bond franchise.

In the opening scene, instead of receiving yet another trophy for his ability to backflip and face kick, we are introduced to our hero, Steve Chase as he defends the very blonde Candy Kane from a group of unidentified assailants, by deftly knocking them (and six attendees of the presentation) into the swimming pool. After foiling a bombing attempt in her hotel room (never trust the bellhop with sideburns, particularly if your room service was already delivered), Steve is recruited by Candy to rescue her ‘father’ (read: convenient excuse to have her tag along for eye candy) Dr. Horatio Kane from the evil Marduk and his insidious fake beard. Marduk is assisted by the obnoxious Minerva, a sultry lass with a penchant for bubblegum pink hair, lycra spandex and calling Marduk pet nicknames like ‘pumpkin pie,’ ‘chuckles,’ and ‘dimples.’ For a rich guy, Marduk acts an AWFUL lot like a commie pinko, right down to huge-ass pictures of his face on every building, which just makes clear how fake his beard really is. So maybe he isn’t such a good red-they all could grow their own facial hair.

You may think I’m making too much of how fake Marduk’s beard is. But if ever you see it for yourself you’ll probably spend an hour wondering just how long it took to glue together all the pubes required to make it.

Steve spends the next half hour recruiting his teammates. First there’s the Fly, who has some extra cool special skills, including lighting incense with his feet, short term levitation, climbing down sheer walls and being the whitest character alive to have dialogue that could be found in a fortune cookie. Observe his inscrutable bullshit for yourself:

‘Your outer eye sees clearly. Your inner eye is equally aware.’
‘For this mission feet alone are insufficient. The mind that leads the feet needs to be wise.’
‘House of merriment usually breeds trouble.’
‘Question: why are eagles wearing umbrellas?’
‘The animal trap lies quietly before it springs.’

Next is Gorilla, the most un-PC character ever concocted outside of Disney’s Song of the South. We first see Gorilla in a tug of war with an entire construction crew. When Steve knocks him into the mud, he remarks that ‘that color looks good on you.’ Before you can say Harriet Beecher Stowe, Gorilla has joined the mission. Next is Gypsy, a redneck living in a trailer park that would need a few grand in repairs to qualify as condemned. Even though Steve is going to pay him a small fortune for coming on the mission, Gypsy insists on fighting half the trailer park for his $5 security deposit before he leaves. Last is Hot Dog, a cigar smoking slob whose combat skills consist of throwing thumbtacks under peoples’ feet and a shitty Bogart impression. Before they recruit him, Hot Dog whiles away his days playing a bastardized form of Russian roulette where someone throws a gun on the ground to make it go off and see if anybody gets shot; the winner is the last one crazy enough to keep playing. And Hot Dog is supposed to be the clever/conniving one on the team.

The team then races to foil Marduk’s plot. Actually, the team wanders through the countryside in an SUV, with Steve Chase hitting on Candy at every opportunity. And Marduk, rather than say, buying a bunch of guns and shooting them all, sends his own martial artists out to fight them, even dropping in a squad of them by parachute. After unsuccessfully infiltrating the town, the gang is captured and made to fight in a one-on-one tournament, culminating in Steve Chase battling a big doof with a bad moustache named the Optimus. Sadly this Optimus can’t transform into a semi, and doesn’t come close to hitting like one. After winning his fight by performing a gratuitous number of backflips, Steve forces Marduk to free the town. Marduk then attempts to flee in the world’s smallest two-seater helicopter, but Gorilla holds it down bare-handed long enough for Marduk’s own men to blow it up (so hard to find good help that aren’t brainwashed). Steve then rushes to Dr. Kane’s lab to deflect the slowest bullet in the world and save his life from one of the guards. The gang then goes off into the sunset with Gorilla behind the wheel, and Hot Dog and his newly adopted parrot screaming in terror that Captain Midnight might kill them all with his primitive driving skills.

Title: Ninja III – Domination

Genre: Your average aerobics instructor/telephone linewoman is possessed by a ninja seeking to avenge his own death.
Tag Line: He’s the ultimate killer. She’s the perfect weapon.
Filmed In: Phoenix, Arizona
Year of Release: 1985
Cast: Sho Kosugi, Lucinda Dickey, Jordan Bennett, David Chung, James Hong
Director: Sam Firstenberg
Writer: James R. Silke
Running Time: 92 minutes

Plot: Shooting a ninja 50 times isn’t enough to kill him, at least not permanently. When Phoenix’s finest try to apprehend a ninja, they make that mistake, one pissed off ninja takes over the body of one hot-assed aerobics instructor to exact his revenge. A good ninja tries to save her and put the evil ninja to rest for good.

Breaking Point: About 40 minutes in, during the most baffling seduction scene EVER-worse than the above mentioned Gymkata scene, even! After repeatedly rejecting the advances of hunky Travolta-esque Phoenix P.D. Officer Secord, feisty 80s gal Christie randomly decides to invite him over to her apartment for some V8 juice. Apparently she’s a health nut. Anyway, after coming out of the shower nearly naked, she lays back on the couch, and dribbles V8 juice down her neck and chest for him to lick off. It’s about as erotic as Rosie O’Donnell in Exit to Eden.

Similar Films: The Exorcist, The Manchurian Candidate, Flashdance

Pain Equivalency: Being forced to fellate a revving chainsaw.

Number of Asian Actors: 15 or so…including superninja Sho Kosugi and Lo Pan himself, James Hong!

Review: First of all, this one doesn’t exist on DVD, so I get to see it in the full glory of VHS. No widescreen here, baby!

First off, some fun facts about Ninjas I learned from this film:

1) Ninjas, good or evil, ALWAYS wear eyeliner. No exceptions. Even when they’re possessing another person, that person will suddenly be wearing eyeliner. If they have only one eye, that eye will have eyeliner. The socket under the patch? Probably has eyeliner.
2) When they want to show how badass they are, ninjas will crush balls. Doesn’t matter what kind, whatever’s handy. Golf balls, billiard balls, scrotal balls-and they will typically look you in the eye and growl at you when they do. The most likely reason is to get you to mess your pants, making it harder for you to run.
3) A golf cart is NOT a reliable conveyance to use when fleeing a ninja. And a police bike or police cruiser isn’t a reliable vehicle with which to catch one.
4) Bad moustache = bad ninja Eyepatch = good ninja
5) A ninja will possess a hidden lair in a cave where they store all their implements of death. Said cave will be out in the boonies not convenient to any public transportation.
6) When possessing a woman’s body, a ninja is not above acting like a big hobag in order to get close to a target.
7) Only a ninja can kill a ninja. So kiss your ass goodbye if you’re white.

The opening of this movie is priceless. Our evil ninja, complete with grey pajamas and enough pointy bits of metal to kill the cast of The Last Samurai, assassinates a VIP on a golf course. This sequence has it all.. Ninja demonstrating superhuman strength, speed and stamina? Check. Swordplay? Check. Blocking a gun barrel? Check. Blowgun? Check. Flash powder? Check. Climbing trees? Check. Shurikens going into gun hands? Check. Shurikens going into faces? Check. Shurikens going into faces thrown using the ninja’s foot? To bring down a police helicopter after he jumped into it from a tree top? BIG CHECK, MOTHERFUCKER!

Unfortunately, when you kill a white guy on a golf course in Phoenix, the cops drop their donuts and come running from miles around. Now, a few bullets only piss off this ninja. But 50 or so and he’s hurting. So when he finds a telephone repair girl in the middle of the desert, he gives her his sword before he croaks-which of course means she’s going to be an unwitting tool in his revenge on the cops who shot him.

So our heroine is a typical 80s girl. Which means she works out constantly, has big hair, never wears a bra and dances around her apartment half naked, pretending to be Jennifer Beals. She resists the sexual attentions of the cop who talks to her after her ninja encounter, but his wily charm and extremely hairy back win her over. But not even his wooly shoulders can protect her from the spirit of a pissed off ninja and the wrath of a special effects department armed with lasers, smoke machines, wind machines, and enough monofilament to dangle a sword in front of her. And whenever she sees her new boyfriends’ co-workers, the ninja spirit will take her over. We know this because the lighting changes, a fan blows her hair back and the camera zooms in on her eyes looking all enraged. Then faster than you can say ‘Niagara Falls,’ she drives out to the cave containing his arsenal, which she then uses to go apeshit on the cops that brought him down. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Cop boyfriend is full of good ideas on how to help her, including taking her to see James Hong, who ‘all the Asians in this town swear by.’ But not even Lo Pan can exorcise the ninja, even with his mystic gangja smoke, colored lights and assorted bondage gear. The ninja then goes seriously Linda Blair, only without the head spinning or being even remotely scary.

Nope, only Sho Kosugi (who apparently was a real ninja, or something) is badass enough to tame this evil spirit. So he comes to town, draws the ninja out, fights her, then gets the ninja back into his own body and fights him there. Which is good, because hairy cops usually don’t tap an aerobics instructor’s ass all that often, even in an era when men weren’t obligated to shave that shit off like girls or swim team members.