Lebron James: He Might Be Out of Our League

On the surface, the below video is a tongue-in-cheek parody featuring a cast of Cleveland-area “celebrities” singing to our hero, Lebron James. While other politicians and celebrities make their various pitches to lure him away from Cleveland, the city that James was meant to save with our first pro sports championship since 1964 and the downtown economy that he single-handedly helped to prop for up the better part of the past decade, this is his Cleveland fanbase in a nutshell, with perhaps our last-ditch best effort. Yes, the rest of the country has been laughing at us about our Lebron situation for quite a while now, so this should (and has) really fueled the fire. This video is to our city what the John Cusack stereo scene is in Say Anything, a representation of Clevelanders standing grouped outside Lebron’s bedroom window and blasting Peter Gabriel from a boom box.  You can laugh at this desperation, but for any geeks out there that have ever been a huge fan of anything…I hope you can understand it.

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Last week Lebron James and the Cavaliers’ season ended much earlier than many expected in game 6 of the NBA playoff’s Eastern Conference semi-finals. We watched uncomfortably as the kid who grew up in Akron, Ohio shook hands and exchanged man-hugs with our rival Boston Celtics and ripped off his Cleveland jersey at what seemed like a calculated moment when he knew all of the cameras were on him. This hurt much more than hearing the media talk about how it could be Lebron’s last game as a Cavalier. We’d endured an entire season of ESPN talking about James’ pending free agency, but it definitely hit its peak as the Cavs faced an early elimination last Thursday night. Hearing ESPN talk about our city and our star caused a feeling I can only compare to being in a loud bar and watching a sleazy dude in a nice blazer hit on the girl you dig. Our insecurity has only increased now that King James’ free agency is upon us. They even referred to the elimination as “freedom” at one not-so-subtle point. Yes, everyone wants Lebron for themselves and nobody respects Cleveland. At this point, we are Angus Bethune in our purple tux, but I doubt Lebron is going to confess his bulimia to us.

I’ll admit, singing to Lebron is pretty ridiculous. Even as a huge fan, I’ve tried to keep my pride while we followed him around like the insecure boyfriend asking “what’s wrong? Are you mad at me? Why aren’t you talking to me?” every time he gave the slightest hint of unhappiness. It always seemed like it’d serve us better to be a little more confident in our relationship with Lebron. In a larger market, he’d have to worry about TMZ ; in Northeast Ohio, the closest paparazzo is an overweight dude yelling that he “fuckin’ rocks” in front of his children at one of our many Chinese Buffets. There’s also the “big fish, small pond” effect. He is our biggest and most adored celebrity (sorry, Bone Thugs!). Could he really sign with the Clippers and expect to compete with Heigi Montag for the spotlight? I figured we should not only have some pride, but look at Cleveland as the slightly unattractive boyfriend, who may be comically unemployed, but fun to be around. We might not wear designer jeans like those other dudes, but it’s just because sweat pants just allow so much more room in the crotch. Plus, we pool our small incomes together to buy stuff like:

We do all of this for Lebron AND write songs for him… Why would he ever leave? Cleveland is the kinda-charming musician boyfriend some ladies DREAM of having! Looking at that analogy realistically though, how often to do those girls sign 3-year extensions with said boyfriend?  Because I’m a bigger fan than I am confident Clevelander and maybe it IS time to worry. Lebron, please don’t leave.

Yes, other cities will always laugh at us. I’ve tried my best to put a spin on it in my own head. Chicago Bulls big man Joakim Noah pissed a lot of Clevelanders off when he said the city “sucks” and asked  “what’s so cool about Cleveland?” The bright side is… he publicly declared that someone, at some time, suggested that Cleveland was cool (was it Huey Lewis?). Even when Tina Fey dedicated a storyline on 30 Rock to Cleveland jokes, I knew it was because she was so charmed when visiting her in-laws who live in my hometown (BTW Tina, I will be waiting for you all summer, outside the Garrettsville Dairy Queen with spec scripts in hand…unlike Lebron, you are not safe here). At this point, I can spin no more. I can only join the begging. Lebron, please don’t leave.

The following days after game 6 have been a Lebron media circus that probably had Lamar Odom calling his agent to make sure the rest of the playoffs were still going to happen (just kidding, I doubt he cares). New York Mayor Bloomberg made his pitch to Lebron. Spike Lee admitted to rooting for the Celtics in efforts to deter Lebron from returning to Cleveland. And I’m even sure that Spike Jonze pitched a really clever short film where Lebron finds true love while playing a pick up game against some aliens on the Statue of Liberty. The Chicago Bulls even appeared more relevant in their pursuit of Lebron, resulting in suggestions that President Obama encourages the move and having Jeremy Piven tweeting shirtless at Lebron to show his support. Seriously, don’t you guys have more important things to do, like run a country and beat a dead horse on the set of Entourage, respectively? “Lebromageddon”, as Cavswitness on Twitter has accurately dubbed it, is upon us harder and earlier than expected. These rumors just scratch the surface: there are detailed connections to mysterious figures, Cavaliers locker room sex scandals –and yes, even some fan fiction! Lebromageddon has and will continue to have more twists and turns than any season of LOST.

So here I am, realizing at this point that the best thing I can do is join the begging and admit to being as huge a fan as any of these other Clevelanders, completely helpless in this situation. Lebron has been incredible to and for Northeast Ohio and unconditionally loved in his hometown of Akron. In the end, if these things win out over his many other bigger breasted suitors and more luxurious options, we will have won something by just being great fans and a good city (okay, so the huge contract the Cavs can still offer might have something to do with it too). We will be that lovable-loser musician boyfriend, promising to sing songs for his girl for years to come. Just don’t expect us to get a real job.