Kardashian + Gilmore = 1

So, for some reason, I sat through an entire season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians in one sitting. These episodes fly by like nobody’s business and I cannot for the life of me tell you why. I have a huge soft spot for really shitty reality TV, but even I have my limits. I thought that I would reach these limits while watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, but my taste in television has apparently hit an abyss that begs, unrelentingly, to penetrate the Earth’s core (yet somehow I still can’t sit through an episode of the newer season of Heroes?….)

What’s wrong with me? Why did I do this to myself, to my precious time, to the people I know, and to you who is reading this? Can I relate to Kim Kardashian herself? No…can I? That must be it. We must be the same person. That’s the only logical explanation, right? Yes. Of course. I mean, check it out:

Kim Kardashian

Model. Bootylicious. Worth over $5 Million. Cries over the release of her sex tape.

Brian Gilmore

Geek. Enjoys dancing. Worth ~$400. Cries over the lack of sexual release in his life.

Ok, so maybe we’re not so alike on the surface, but you don’t want to see yourself on TV, do you? You go to television largely to escape in some way, shape, or form, right? Often, though, the best stories are the ones that go the way you want them to. So maybe I handle life like Kim Kardashian, or the members of her family. Yeah, that’s it. It’s gotta be. I handle life like a Kardashian. For example:

During a Legal Crisis

Kardashians: Stick together, support one another, call their world class lawyers and friends in the entertainment industry for connections and help. Any fines endured roll off their backs like pool water off of Kim’s ass.

Brian Gilmore: Freezes, wakes up at four in the morning for a week straight only to exacerbate the problem by ignoring it, ends up paying out the ass for something he could have prevented. Eats Kroger ham sandwiches for about ten days.

While Attempting to Be Charitable

Kardashians: Take in a homeless man named “Shorty” from their neighborhood, shave him, clean him up, get him new clothes, take him to a dentist, and find him a good homeles shelter. Change a man’s life forever by getting him back on track.

Brian Gilmore: Offers to buy a homeless man lunch, then gives him a weird look when he orders a large soda. $4 for soda?! Has offered a homeless man a hamburger only to be chewed out for his unhealthy eating habits – by the homeless man. Doesn’t usually carry cash and feels the need to articulate that he “only [carries] credit cards” to the homeless community. Expects sympathy.

During a Pregnancy Scare

Kardashians: Confide in each other for secrecy from their parents, immediately tell their supportive boyfriends about the problem, get pregnancy tests, later go to Vegas just to get married in case the pregnancy turns out to be a real issue.

Brian Gilmore: Races to the pharmacy at 3 in the morning for Plan B, because Plan A has obviously failed, thinks about possible escape routes (geographically and emotionally), makes sandwiches and anxiously waits a few days (weeks?!) for the beautiful, freedom-heralding news of vaginal bloodflow.

Ok, so maybe we’re not the same, but maybe that’s why we enjoy reality TV so much – because it is “reality TV. It is televised reality, which really just means that it is reality made into a nice, neat, half-hour package, where things are introduced, heightened, and then resolved in the span of an incredibly manageable time frame. Our problems last days, weeks, months, even years, and it really feels endless. Shows like this give you a sense of accomplishment in someone else’s small and seemingly insignificant triumphs.

I’m not saying this is good television, that these people are good role models for anything/anyone, or that they even have an overwhelming amount of redeeming qualities; but every episode is formatted like a nice, neat sitcom. I enjoyed this first season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. That’s right, I said it. Not because it’s good, or because I really cared about what happened, but because it served as great escapism and that’s all a lot of people are looking for. Which is why television is the way it is, why the media can get away with everything they can, why the staring at a computer screen has replaced face-to-face interaction, and why this world is going to shit. It really was a fun watch, though.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians is out on DVD now in stores!