History of The Nerd Part I #11: The Babes of Batman
Valentines Day is the day of love because Hallmark said so. So pickup your girlfriend, boyfriend, or tranny hooker and take her, him or it out to dinner. I hope somebody bought a Vermont Teddy Bear for that special someone, buying their way into that someone’s heart and access to their loved ones genitals! Valentine’ss Day serves to remind you that love is just not enough; you have to also buy shit for the one you love. It serves to remind you that if you are not in a relationship that you are a loser and nobody will ever have sex with you — ever. I don’t make the rules. Well, this year I don’t think I’m the only one “Dancing With Myself”. (Nerd Fact: Billy Idol’s song, “Dancing With Myself” is actually about masturbation. – Yay!) So if you are not going to be doing the good o’ in and out this Feb 14 maybe you could live vicariously through one of comics’ most Iconic lady killers, Batman. Or you could just watch a hot porno.
Julie Madison
In the very early days of Batman comics Bruce Wayne had a girl friend in the form of socialite/actress Julie Madison. People in the 30’s and 40’s universally agreed that anyone who was burdened a vagina were mentally incapable of staying out of trouble, and ultimately needed a man to keep them safe. Julie appeared in Detective Comics #31 in 1939, so she was often in peril. Bruce and Julie were actually engaged for a while until Julie broke it off because Bruce wouldn’t go get a fuckin’ job. Apparently being richer than God just wasn’t enough for her. She ended up moving to Europe and married into royalty, mirroring Grace Kelly who ended up becoming Princess Grace of Monaco. Incidentally, she donned the Robin costume in a story line to fool the original Clay Face, Basil Karlo, beating the female Robin, Carrie Kelly, in Frank Miller’s Dark Knight Returns by fourty-five years.
Linda Page
Right after Julie Madison, Bruce dated another socialite, but the big twist this time was that she wasn’t a spoiled, lazy bitch. She even helped nurse the elderly part-time to stave off the guilt of being rich. Linda used like a wet-nap for a few issues and was quickly forgotten. The character did return in the first Batman serial in 1943. This could be seen as a death rattle because she was never heard of again.
Vickie Vale
By 1948, creators Bob Kane and Bill finger wanted to give Batman a Lois Lane, so they ripped of one and Vickie Vale was born. Like Lois, she was a reporter but this time for the Gotham Gazette. Like Lois, she had a thing for men in spandex that wore their under pants on the outside. Like Lois, she suspected that Bruce Wayne was really Batman. Unlike Lois she was expendable to the editor. Julie Schwartz was brought in to give Batman a modern polish in 1964 as he had done in the past with the Flash and Green Lantern. She was dropped during the house cleaning along with Ace the Bat Hound, and Batmite.
Katherine “Kathy” Kane: The Bat-Woman
In 1954 an asshole wrote a book called Seduction of the Innocent. This tomb of unfounded facts and hate mongering blamed all forms of juvenile delinquency on comic books. Everything from violence, sex, drug use and homosexuality stemmed from reading comics. Maybe this was why I did a line of meth and killed a bus driver in Vegas after reading the ending of Final Crisis. The Bat-Woman was introduced as a love interest for Batman to combat Seduction of the Innocent‘s allegations of Batman love for the young cock (what with Robin and all). She appeared through the 1950’s and 60’s but also got the Julie Schwartz booting in 1964. In comics today there is a new incarnation of Katherine Kane as Batwoman. This Batwoman, however, is a out-of-the-closet lesbian serving as a hilarious fuck-you to The Seduction of the Innocent.
Patricia Powell and Virginia “Ginny” Jinkins
He did Patricia in Batman #165 and Ginny in Detective Comics #380. Sex so forgettable
people forgot about it. But you know what they say, sex is like pizza…
Selina Kyle: Catwoman
Catwoman is the soul mate of Batman, anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong! She first slinked the pages of Batman #1 in 1940 forever causing teenage boys to fantasize about
bad girls that could kick their asses.
Talia al Ghul
If normal guys had villains we would totally want to do their daughters as a weird sort of
payback. The Dark Knight would do no different; but especially if they looked like Talia. Talia al Ghul is the daughter of his arch enemy Ra’s al Ghul and first appeared in Detective Comics, May 1971. Batman would go on to knock her up in the 1987 graphic novel, Batman: Son of the Demon. Take that Ra’s!
Pamela Isley: Poison Ivy
Bruce just really like girls in spandex, but what guy doesn’t? He hates crimes, but loves the girls who commit them. In the earlier issues, Batman and Poison Ivy had sexual tension you could sink your penis into. (For those of you who don’t have a penis, you could use other things – get creative!) In the Gotham Knight series of 2000, their relationship moved from Batman and Poison Ivy to Bruce Wayne and Pamela Isley after he helps her return to normal. This was deemed boring and Poison Ivy returned to being green and evil. Thank God.
Silver St. Cloud
She appeared in Detective Comics #470 in 1977. Silver managed to figure out that Batman and Bruce Wayne were one and the same but couldn’t handle being with someone in such a dangerous line of work — or someone who was totally fuckin’ crazy. This was the start of the tradition of girls figuring out who Batman is and freaking out about it.
Rachel Caspian
The Caped Crusader was ready to hang up the cowl again for Rachel. Thankfully, she found out her father was evil, murderous vigilante which drove her to join a nunnery. She appeared in 1987 in Batman: Year 2.
Natalia Knight: Nocturna
Skin color doesn’t matter to the Dark Knight. Dark skinned, light or even green, Batman just can’t get enough. Natalia Knight had a skin disease making her sensitive to light, thus making her an albino. She was also a jewel thief – again with the criminals. She even adopted Jason Todd, the second Robin. Then she got stabbed in the back by her brother and died – sucks to be her.
Julia Pennyworth
Alfred Pennyworth is pretty much Bruce’s father figure. Well, Alfred had a daughter. Which kind of makes her Bruce’s sister. Which kind of makes their relationship really, really, really, creepy.
Jezebel Jet
What the hell happened in Batman: R.I.P? Batman finally did a black chick, and that is all I could figure out.
If you do not have a date for this year, don’t worry about it. All you have to do is open the pages of your favorite issues of Batman and take a few pointers from the Caped Crusader and you too could be swimming in hot and cold running faucets of poon! Happy Valentine’s Day, Geekscape!
