GIANT SIZED STACK ATTACK!

There is no time for jokes this week. No funny one liners. No off the wall references. This week I am going to review two weeks worth of comic books: 13 individual issues! I’m not that funny. I’m not that clever. I don’t have enough material; what the hell am I going to do?

(Nick, in an act of desperation, raises his head to Valhalla and, like a CRACK from the mighty hammer Moljner, it dawns on him…)

*GIANT SIZE STACK ATTACK!

Imagine me, the handsome and talented Nick Gregorio, breaking through your monitor and jumping into your lap and whispering into your ear 13 cleverly contrived comic book reviews. That’s how serious this weeks Stack Attack! is.

(Nick Greg-editor’s note: Giant Size is a title most typically given to a comic book that contains over thirty pages of sequential art. Thankfully my review will be under thirty pages… so, it’s only Giant Sized at heart)

Back to Brooklyn #3, Avengers/Invaders #7, Incognito #1, Batman #684, Superman #683, Batman: Cacophony #2, Green Lantern #36, Wolverine #70: Old Man Logan, The Boys #26, Secret Six #5, Kick-Ass #5, Marvel Zombies 3 #4, Spawn #186 (Yes,mothertrucker, all those comics!)

*Like Jon McClane said to Zeus on the Cargo Boat, at the end of Die Hard with A Vengeance, right before he broke off Zeus’ hand cuffs, “This is gonna go quick”, so, like Ray Arnold said to John Hammond in Jurassic park, “Hold onto your butts.” (Nick Greg-editor’s note: This is gonna go quick so hold onto your butts.)

BtoB is stereotypical Italian mafia bullshit. Sorry to break it to you: It’s old hat. It’s been done. It’s a Gangster revenge story full of dumb Italian caricatures. Garth Ennis is so overrated it’s not even funny. He throws together explicit sexual references and a jug of blood and fanboys piss themselves. Jimmy Palmiotti does a disservice to the Italian American community and for a real laugh read the blog Palmiotti writes at the end of each issue.

The story is false. The characters are flat Tarentino rip-offs. Any college kid who has watched too many gangster flicks could have written this. Pick this book up if you prefer Donnie Brasko over The Godfather.

This comic just keeps getting better. If you’re not reading this series then you are missing out. Robot take over! Non-stop Action! New Cap meet old Cap meet his fist. Buy this comic!

This brand new comic from the talented Captain America scribe Ed Brubaker turns a neat concept into a boring issue #1.

What if Super villains, when apprehended, were forced to suppress their powers and become just like everyone else? That’s the concept.

“I hate my life. I used to have powers. I’m just part of the rat race now. I need drugs to cope. I got my powers back. I saved a girl. God I hate that I did that.” That’s the issue except dragged out for thirty pages.

The art on the issue is good but suffers from too much shadowed area. I haven’t lost faith in Incognito I just wasn’t completely sold by issue #1.

Do not buy another Batman comic until Neil Gaiman and Andy Kubert release Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? #684 was bush league. Don’t buy it.

Just when you think Stack Attack! is all but lost to bitter tirades and non-sensical humor look up in the sky: It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No… It’s a Super Kryptonian, Superman, DC Universe Super team throw down! The amount of tension built up throughout the first half of this issue is heavy. I hate Superman’s Aunt. I never thought I would say that. This lady wants a war and she will not listen to reason. She will not listen to Superman! The heroes of the DCU want justice for the men and women killed by the Kryptonians of Kandor and they are willing to play the part of judge, jury, and executioner if necessary. The Kryptonians of Kandor, led by (Superman’s aunt and Supergirl’s mom) Alura, refuse to bend to the laws of the United States. Superman tries to stop the battle then something that you thought you would never see happen, happens.

SUPERGIRL PUNCHES SUPERMAN IN THE FACE!!! BUY THIS COMIC!

Remember when I said “not to buy another Batman comic…” well I shouldn’t have ate the whole jar of cookies. What I meant to say was wait for Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? and in the mean time read Cacophony. Kevin Smith is on point with this comic. It’s fun and fresh. Like a red headed kid in a Life cereal commercial.

Walt Flanagan’s anatomy gets a little sloppy in a couple of panels but it’s forgivable. All in all this is shaping up to be a worth while mini-series.

The Green Lantern’s power stems from the fearlessness of willpower. The Yellow Lantern’s power stems from the manipulative power of fear. The Red Lantern’s power stems from rage. The Blue Lantern’s power stems from Barack Obama… err, I mean hope. Now that you have all been brought up to speed; Green lantern rules.
 

The Saga of the Red Lanterns starts at the execution of the leader of the Yellow Lanterns, Sinestro. Born of Rage, the Red Lantern’s free Sinestro only to make him a slave. Hal Jordan, one of many Green Lanterns, is caught in the middle of this mess. He is intercepted by the Blue Lanterns, bearers of hope, who need him to defeat the Red Lanterns.

It sounds like a whole pile of corny poop but trust me, and if you are a fan of GL then I’m preaching to the choir: Geoff Johns plays everything real. No camp. No horse shit.

Buy this book, pretty please mother.

“It’s been fifty years sine the super villains massacred the heroes” and Wolverine is a farmer with a family. Hawkeye is a blind sorta-criminal. They team up. What more do I have to say? How about Wolverine doesn’t pop his claws any more? How about Wolverine lives a life of non-violence? How about Wolverine killed all of the– Whoops, I got a little ahead of myself.

What a cool story. No one does else-world/future-imperfect quite like Mark Millar. McNiven’s art is top notch, mixing gritty detail with clean pencil lines. Pick up the back issues and pick up this issue. You will cringe when you find out why Wolverine gave up doing what he does best.

I like The Boys as much as I hate it. “Neat ideas” grabs a drink with “too much dialogue” and “annoying captions” at a whore house. Buy it if you like anything Ennis.

(Running out of steam… too many comics.. brain wracking…)

First and foremost I would like to apologize to Ms. Niccola Scott. I actualy referred to she as he in a previous review. SS#5 was a solid issue but it wasn’t great. The Secret Six were ambushed in Vegas and poisoned. With the help of the casino owner they were able to escape the clutches of the creep-show, Junior; everyone except for Bane, that is.

If Bruce Wayne were reading this issue he would giggle with joy. Bruce isn’t real so I giggled for him. Bane gets hit with 400-some-odd bricks in the face and Junior rides the creepy express all the way up to give-me-the-willies town.

I’m going to save myself the trouble of writing a long, biting review and say, “Trash. Don’t buy it. I’m not going to any more.”

If you haven’t heard of Kick-Ass yet get ready for a media shit storm. While only in it’s fifth issue, shooting has already begun on the highly anticipated feature film of the same name. It’s the story of Peter Parker but if Peter was never bitten by a spider and read a lot of comics and tried to fight crime and became famous over the Internet and his name’s not Peter. Kick-Ass is a comical and sometimes gruesome hyper-real telling of a masked vigilante origin story.

Issue five presents our hero with a little competition. There’s a new crime fighter on the beat. He goes by the name of The Red Mist and he’s become the new big thing.

Romita and Millar are in top form. This is a must read.