Geekscape’s Oscar Guide: How to Pretend You’ve Seen Everything and What’s Most Likely To Win

This year, for the first time in almost sixty years, there are ten nominees for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. And you know what that means… more God damned movies that you probably haven’t seen. Luckily for you, William Bibbiani has seen every nominee in all of the major categories (Best Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, Original Screenplay and Adapted Screenplay) so you don’t have to!

Geekscape presents its first ever Oscar Primer, giving you all the information you need to pretend you’ve seen all of the biggest nominees of the year, from Avatar to Up in the Air. You’re welcome.

AVATAR

Nominated For: Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Original Score, Best Sound, Best Sound Editing, Best Visual Effects, Best Director, Best Picture.
Most Likely to Win: Pretty much everything but Best Director. It’s got a 50/50 shot at Best Picture.
What It’s About: Really? You haven’t seen Avatar? You’re the one who hasn’t seen Avatar…? Oooooookay… In the distant future, a big corporation in cahoots with the military tries to mine a valuable mineral from the planet of Pandora, but has difficulty removing the native people from their land. A marine played by Sam Worthington controls an alien body from a remote location to learn the ways of the natives, seduce their princess (Zoe Saldana), and find a diplomatic solution before time runs out for the species and the humans will be forced to drive them off their land violently. When he somehow spends three months living with natives without ever once mentioning that he’s on a deadline, tragedy ensues and our hero must wage a holy war against his own species in order to redeem himself.
Impress Your Friends: As of the time this article is being written, Avatar has grossed $2.2 billion internationally, including $630 million domestically. To put this in context, when adjusted for inflation Gone with the Wind made over $1.5 billion, and only domestically.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “Avatar is a beautifully realized embodiment of all the possibilities of modern filmmaking technology, much in the same way that Birth of a Nation, Citizen Kane, The Seven Samurai and Star Wars took all the cinematic developments that came before them and codified their potential for new generations.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Oh, I see the problem here. You’re confused by the name of the award. Just because it’s called ‘Best Picture’ doesn’t mean that paintings are eligible. The Best Picture of the Year should do more than look pretty. It should also have a story that isn’t full of plot holes, bestiality and pandering to the lowest common denominator.”

THE BLIND SIDE

Nominated For: Best Actress – Sandra Bullock, Best Picture.
Most Likely to Win: Sandra Bullock is pretty much a lock for Best Actress. Best Picture is seriously a long shot.
What It’s About: Based on the true story of NFL professional lineman Michael Oher who led a life of misery and poverty until he was adopted in high school by a rich, white Republican family of college football fans. Everyone learns a valuable lesson about tolerance and, most importantly, football.
Impress Your Friends: Sandra Bullock only landed her Oscar-nominated lead role after Julia Roberts turned it down. If you listen closely, you can still hear the sound of Julia Roberts wincing…
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “The Blind Side succeeds because director John Lee Hancock’s direction emphasizes strong characters and lacks the kind of artistic pretention that keeps mainstream audiences away from indie films like A Serious Man or, for that matter, A Simple Man. This is a straightforward, well told tale of acceptance, family values, and yes, a love of sports.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Ignoring the wealth of factual inaccuracies – some of which even the real Michael Oher has serious problems with – The Blind Side goes beyond straightforward storytelling to become insultingly simplistic, and deserves stronger comparisons to well-produced after school specials than to any of the other films nominated for Best Picture. Sandra Bullock’s Dolly Parton impersonation was spot-on, but I can’t think of a reason why she should get an Oscar for it.”

CRAZY HEART

Nominated For: Best Actor – Jeff Bridges, Best Supporting Actress – Maggie Gyllenhaal, Best Original Song – “The Weary Kind.” 
Most Likely to Win: It’s the frontrunner for both Best Actor and Best Song.
What It’s About: Jeff Bridges plays an aging country singer who was once a superstar but has since been eclipsed by the success of his protégé, played by Colin Farrell. He attempts to get his act back together, in more ways than one, after meeting a beautiful single mother and her cherubic son.
Impress Your Friends: Jeff Bridges’ last nomination for Best Actor was in 1985 for Starman, and to date remains the only Oscar nomination ever given to a John Carpenter feature film. (John Carpenter did co-write the short film The Resurrection of Bronco Billy, which won Best Live-Action Short in 1970, but the award was presented to the producer of the film, John Longenecker, and not to Carpenter.)
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “It’s an understated story about redemption that tugs at the heartstrings without ever pandering to the audience. Jeff Bridges keeps a lifetime loser sympathetic without ever losing sight of his flaws, and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s adorable performance is spot-on, since her character’s primary flaw is that she’s too nice. Frankly, ALL of the music in this film should have been nominated in the Best Original Song category.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Listen… The story is LITERALLY just The Wrestler but without the bleak worldview. Whoop-de-shit.”

DISTRICT 9

Nominated For: Best Editing, Best Visual Effects, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Picture.
Most Likely to Win: It could be a dark horse in the Best Editing or Adapted Screenplay categories, but no one’s putting any money on it.
What It’s About: Told in a half-documentary/half-narrative feature style, this R-rated science fiction film stars Sharlto Copley as a bureaucratic pencil pusher trying to push pesky aliens off of their lands for the white man’s convenience in a tale evoking South African apartheid. It also has eerie similarities to Avatar since our “hero” finds himself gradually inhabiting an alien body and living in a society he once thought little of… but unlike Avatar he’s even more of a douchebag about it.
Impress Your Friends: Two of 2009’s significant number of movies with the number nine in the title, District 9 and Shane Acker’s animated feature 9, were both were based on short films released in 2005. 
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “The mixture of documentary and narrative feature filmmaking should have been gimmicky, but thanks to Neill Blomkamp’s deft direction it moves seamlessly between two striking visual styles. District 9 uses many of the same story ideas and themes as Avatar, but rather than remaking Dances with Wolves it crafts a new tale that’s as meaningful as it is kickass, and all for about 10% of the cost!”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Maybe it’s a neat idea, but the film devolves into a repetitive action movie very quickly. I get it, Neill Blomkamp. You didn’t get to make the Halo movie. You don’t need to make us watch a human/alien co-op shooter halfway through your political message movie just to rub it in.”

AN EDUCATION

Nominated For: Best Actress – Carey Mulligan, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Picture.
Most Likely to Win: It could pull an upset in the Best Adapted Screenplay category, but it’s unlikely.
What It’s About: Carey Mulligan plays a 16-year-old English school girl in 1961 who wants to experience beautiful things but is stymied by her uptight teachers and backwards-thinking father. When an older man played by Peter Sarsgaard seduces her away from the stodgy British lifestyle with promises of adventure and intellectual discourse, she finds herself torn once again, between a continuing a relationship with a bohemian or continuing her “boring” education.
Impress Your Friends: Nick Hornby, Oscar-nominated for adapting Lynn Barber’s memoirs into the screenplay, changed the name of Peter Sarsgaard’s character to David. This reportedly displeased Barber, who in real life ended up marrying a very different man who also happened to be named David.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “Carey Mulligan’s well-deserved Oscar nomination highlights her stunning performance as a smart girl making unwise decisions, and learning tough lessons as a result. It’s difficult to make a film about high school problems without either elevating teenagers to unrealistically wise caricatures, or by just making them dumber. Nick Hornby’s hilarious but realistic portrayal of 1960’s England, in which everyone has one foot in an enlightened future and the other in a socially repressed recent past, is one of the finest scripts of the year.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Basically this thirty-something guy is seducing an underage girl and her parents are cool with it, and the age difference is never treated like a serious problem. I know times change but at its heart this is one seriously creepy movie.”

THE HURT LOCKER

Nominated For: Best Cinematography, Best Director – Kathryn Bigelow, Best Editing, Best Original Score, Best Sound, Best Sound Editing, Best Actor – Jeremy Renner, Best Original Screenplay, Best Picture
Most Likely to Win: Kathryn Bigelow is expected to beat out James Cameron for Best Director, and it’s got a 50/50 chance to win Best Picture if the other “popular” movies siphon enough votes away from Avatar. It could pull off a few wins for Best Original Screenplay, Original Score, or Editing, and might surprise people with the Best Cinematography award if voters agree that Avatar’s lush visuals are mostly computer-generated.
What It’s About: A specialized Explosive Ordinance Disposal unit loses their team leader in a failed attempt to dispose of explosive ordinance. He’s replaced by Jeremy Renner, a hotshot explosives expert and adrenaline junkie who gets the job done but repeatedly places the team in danger in the process. Is there a method to his madness, or will his crazy stunts get all of them killed?
Impress Your Friends: James Cameron reportedly helped convince his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow to direct The Hurt Locker, a decision which ultimately contributed to their films being in direct competition at the Oscars.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “Unlike most of the modern Iraq war movies, The Hurt Locker never gets stuck up its own ass in messages, either liberal or conservative. By focusing on the soldiers, in particular a group of soldiers with an intriguing and ridiculously dangerous task, Kathryn Bigelow did the impossible and depoliticized the most hot button issue in Hollywood, focusing on character instead.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “The film falls apart in the second half as Jeremy Renner’s character makes increasingly implausible choices to drive the story forward, and self-destructs at the end when the motivations for his reckless behavior are revealed… to be kind of shitty. What a douche. Oh, and Generation Kill is better.”

IN THE LOOP

Nominated For: Best Adapted Screenplay.
Most Likely to Win: Nothing, really.
What It’s About: A British comedy about a low-ranking political official played by Simon Foster who, in the days leading up to war in the Middle East, makes an off-handed comment kinda-sorta supporting the war in a radio interview and gets swept up in international diplomacy way, way, way above his pay grade. Shot like The Office with handheld cameras and a tendency towards sprawling dialogue, In the Loop is a comedy about poor communication and its consequences.
Impress Your Friends: The Academy Award-nominated screenplay for In the Loop was reportedly 237 pages long… about twice as long as the industry standard. This led to the first cut of the film running an unwieldy four and a half hours long.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “A hilarious satire of modern politics, in which the things people say end up eclipsing what they do in both public and private. Watching In the Loop is like somehow watching a new Preston Sturges movie. Every performance is a standout, and hey! Who knew that My Girl’s Anna Chlumsky was still alive? And really hot!”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “It’s The Office but with politics. Is that all it takes to get an Oscar nomination? Because shit, I could’ve come up with THAT…”

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

Nominated For: Best Cinematography, Best Director – Quentin Tarantino, Best Editing, Best Sound, Best Sound Editing, Best Supporting Actor – Christoph Waltz, Best Original Screenplay, Best Picture.
Most Likely to Win: It’s the odds-on favorite for Best Supporting Actor, is a good bet for Best Original Screenplay, and has a shot at Best Cinematography (but it’s not the frontrunner).
What It’s About: A group of Nazi-hunting Jewish military specialists led by Brad Pitt are airdropped behind enemy lines to kill, and scalp, as many Nazis as possible in an effort to hinder enemy morale. Meanwhile, Melanie Laurent plays a Jewish woman trying to hide in plain sight as the manager of a movie theater. Their stories intertwine when the theater becomes the site of the premiere of a Nazi propaganda film, and everyone plots separately to kill the guest of honor, some dude named “Adolf Hitler,” and end the war.
Impress Your Friends: The character of Lt. Archie Hicox, the British undercover agent played by Michael Fassbender, was originally to be played by Simon Pegg, who was forced to leave the project due to scheduling conflicts. Adam Sandler was also originally cast in the film, but he too had to leave due to scheduling conflicts. Sandler was replaced in the cast with Eli Roth.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “Quentin Tarantino realized that the only thing dramatically dissatisfying about the ending of World War II was the fact that the most persecuted people in Europe didn’t resolve the conflict all by themselves. Tarantino reinvigorated the very notion of historical dramas with his exciting take on the material, which emphasized a series of suspense set pieces rather than larger-than-life battles. And wow, did you SEE Christoph Waltz’s performance?!”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Brad Pitt, and Eli Roth in particular, were distractingly cartoonish and kept the aspects of the film with genuine dramatic weight from ever really taking hold on the audience because every so often, something goofy was going to happen wreck the film’s sense of tone.”

INVICTUS

Nominated For: Best Actor – Morgan Freeman, Best Supporting Actor – Matt Damon
Most Likely to Win: Not a damned thing.
What It’s About: Shortly after taking office, South African president – and former lifelong prisoner – Nelson Mandela attempts to use the nation’s predominantly white rugby team to unite a nation torn by racial conflict. In the process, he mentors the rugby captain, played by Matt Damon, who encourages the team to do some community service and win the World Cup.
Impress Your Friends: Does casting Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela seem like an obvious casting choice to you? That’s how Mandela felt. The former South African president has reportedly said that only Morgan Freeman could portray him on screen, and now he finally has.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “Clint Eastwood continues his winning streak with an intriguing study of political manipulation through giving the masses, essentially, opiates. But because the cause is noble even the Machiavellian machinations change everyone, including the mastermind, for the better. A sweet movie that seems particularly relevant as a new American president struggles with similar problems of uniting a divided country.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “In a movie about inspiring a nation they somehow managed to ignore all the rules of underdog sports moviemaking that have inspired audiences for decades… particularly the part in which the team actually IMPROVES somehow. Matt Damon’s rugby team literally does NOTHING differently except participate in a few community outreach programs, so now suddenly they’re the best team in the world? Matt Damon, Morgan Freeman and, frankly, Clint Eastwood are better than this.”

JULIE & JULIA

Nominated For: Best Actress – Meryl Streep
Most Likely to Win: Streep’s the only serious competition Sandra Bullock has for Best Actress, but Bullock now has a significant edge.
What It’s About: Failed writer Julie Powell decides to get rich and famous by writing a blog. The topic she selects involves cooking all 524 of the recipes in Julia Child’s famous tome “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” in a single year and blogging about the experience. Somehow this works, and richness and fame-ness finds her. The film intercuts with the real-life biography of Julia Child, played by Meryl Streep, as she herself learns the art of French cooking and writes a book to that effect.
Impress Your Friends: Julie Powell’s second autobiographical book, “Cleaving: A Story of Marriage, Meat, and Obsession,” included less-than-flattering details about her personal life at the time of Julie & Julia’s writing… in particular, an extra-marital affair. Amy Adams, who played Julie Powell in the movie, had this to say about the revelations: “My Julie Powell would never do that.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “So what if it’s a ‘Chick Flick?’ It avoids the usual romantic comedy pitfalls of the genre by celebrating two disparate women who find their own self-worth, and even their value to the entire world, through a common interest… decades apart. Meryl Streep turns in yet another beautiful performance but it may be Stanley Tucci, in an understated role as her dutiful husband, who actually steals the film.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Maybe Meryl Streep does give a great performance, but the Amy Adams half of the story is so annoyingly ‘cute’ that it drags even the good stuff down with her. By the time she starts talking about Julia Child as if they have some kind of personal connection, or as if Julia Child is somehow in the room with her, the movie stops being fun and starts making us legitimately question her sanity.”

THE LAST STATION

Nominated For: Best Actress – Helen Mirren, Best Supporting Actor – Christopher Plummer
Most Likely to Win: Nada. Christopher Plummer might earn some sympathy votes for getting the first nomination of his 57 year career (and, you know, giving a really great performance), but probably not enough to get the award.
What It’s About: The Last Station stars Christopher Plummer as Leo Tolstoy, the Russian novelist and philosopher who was revered by some as a living saint. When one of his most fervent admirers accepts a job as Tolstoy’s personal secretary he finds himself smack dab in the middle of a conflict between the men who idolized Tolstoy and his wife, played by Helen Mirren, who knows him a lot better but cares little for his fans, as they wrestle over the future of his enormous estate. It’s really not as boring as it sounds.
Impress Your Friends: Both the Academy Award-nominated actors from The Last Station – Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer – replaced original cast members. Meryl Streep and Anthony Hopkins were the first choices to play Sofya and Leo Tolstoy.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “For an Oscar-nominated drama about a Russian author, it’s almost surprising that The Last Station is so brimming with life, love and raw sexuality. The most entertaining ‘art’ film of the year features a cast of excellent actors, from Mirren to Plummer to James McAvoy to Kerry Condon, as they are confronted with the practicality of embracing an ideal while failing to live up to it.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “For a movie that centers around an ideological conflict, it’s frustrating to see that the filmmakers have already clearly made up their mind. Helen Mirren gets a lot of audience sympathy because she’s perpetually screwed over, and her only real flaws as a character are her tendencies towards melodramatic outbursts and an inability to behave diplomatically. Paul Giamatti may be funny in the film but he’s ultimately nothing more than a Snidely Whiplash type, hamming it up in a classic, and not very classy, attempt to artificially boost the level of drama inherent to the chamber room genre.”

THE LOVELY BONES

Nominated For: Best Supporting Actor – Stanley Tucci.
Most Likely to Win: Well, by definition it’s most likely to win the only award it’s nominated for, and if it weren’t for Christoph Waltz then Stanley Tucci might have been a frontrunner. But it’s probably a lost cause.
What It’s About: An adorable 14-year-old girl in the 1970’s is raped and murdered by Stanley Tucci, and then sent to a beautiful fantasy world where she befriends an Indian spirit guide, lives out all of her fantasies, and watches as her family destroys itself in the wake of her untimely demise. Things pick up when the dead girl’s sister begins to suspect that her neighbor is a murderer and tries to prove it.
Impress Your Friends: After The Lovely Bones underperformed in limited release Paramount changed its strategy for the wide release, aggressively marketing a film about the rape and murder of a 14-year-old girl to young women, who reportedly reacted more favorably to the movie in test screenings than any other demographic.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “The issue at hand in regards to the Oscars is not the quality of the entire film – which hinders on a concept the audience either appreciates or finds problematic – but the quality of Stanley Tucci’s performance. Stanley Tucci’s monstrous portrayal is grounded by his perfect and subtle portrayal of inner desperation. The gaping hole in his life that can only be filled by horrific acts comes across in the slightest of gestures or an expert modulation of posture. The scene in the hole with his victim, in which he can barely contain his enthusiasm, is among the most suspenseful of the year partially because Tucci made the cunning choice of not going into that situation with absolute confidence. Because HE isn’t sure he’s going to pull it off, we’re not either.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Any positive qualities about Stanley Tucci’s performance are contradicted by a film that becomes so dependent on flashy special effects that they, hopefully accidentally, end up celebrating a young girl’s rape and murder by rewarding her with a fantasy land for her trouble. With that sour taste in your mouth, and with that clearly being Peter Jackson’s dramatic emphasis, Tucci winds up as little more than a plot point with no development to speak of for what should have been a compelling antagonist.”

THE MESSENGER

Nominated For: Best Supporting Actor – Woody Harrelson, Best Original Screenplay.
Most Likely to Win: Most likely nothing.
What It’s About: War hero Ben Foster has suffered a minor injury that keeps him out of combat and is assigned to a special unit that notifies the next of kin when soldiers are killed in the field. Foster’s emotional detachment is tested as he confronts unbridled anguish on a daily basis, bonds with a clingy superior officer played by Woody Harrelson and romances a grieving widow.
Impress Your Friends: Screenwriter Alessandro Camon earned his first Academy Award nomination this year for co-writing The Messenger with director Oren Moverman, but spent much of his career producing such critics’ darlings as American Psycho, The Cooler, Thank You For Smoking and… The Crow: City of Angels?! Well, nobody’s perfect…
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “Like The Hurt Locker, The Messenger ends up being one of the best films about the current Iraq war – if not THE best – by focusing not on the broad conflict but the individuals affected by it. Confronting the realities of loss and the anguish that follows it proves just as traumatic and life-changing as the action-packed bigger-budgeted movies that inevitably get more press. Woody Harrelson is particularly engaging as a soldier who has been surrounded by suffering so long that he tries a little TOO hard to befriend his subordinate, played Ben Foster, and who also should have been nominated this year.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “The Academy Award-nominated screenplay offers little more than an excuse for actors to indulge in heavyhanded emotional outbursts that would seem out of place in any other film, and over the course of The Messenger’s running time eventually have the opposite effect on the audience as they do to the protagonists, and become numbing rather than inspiring. To alleviate this concern, the authors instead send Harrelson and Foster on a road trip, where bonding predictably ensues. Not impressed.”

NINE

Nominated For: Best Art Direction, Best Costume Design, Best Original Song – “Take It All,” Best Supporting Actress – Penelope Cruz
Most Likely to Win: Probably nothing.
What It’s About: Daniel Day-Lewis plays an Italian director who is scheduled to direct an epic film about the history of Italy in ten days… and has yet to write the script. The director struggles with his creative process while confronting his many troubled relationships with the women in his life, and fantasizes about each of them performing musical numbers for some reason.
Impress Your Friends: Nine is a remake of Federico Fellini’s 8 1/2. The title of the original film had nothing to do with the subject matter – it was merely Fellini’s 8 1/2th film (six features, two shorts, and one co-directed film, or “a half”). In contrast, Nine is director Rob Marshall’s third film, so the title may now be completely meaningless. Maybe the remake counts as half a film?
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “Although certainly stylish, Nine may not have been the most Oscar-worthy movie of the year but Penelope Cruz certainly stood out as a woman trying to assert her independence through an extra-marital affair that proves just as suffocating as her marriage. Her song was the musical highlight of the film, and was sexiness personified.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Like Jennifer Hudson, it feels like Penelope Cruz was nominated for Best Supporting Actress because she was great in a single musical number, since the rest of her performance (and for that matter Hudson’s) consisted of primarily of wallowing in neediness while being unappreciated by men undeserving of her affections. How does this not annoy audiences to Hell and back again?”

PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE

Nominated For: Best Director – Lee Daniels, Best Editing, Best Actress – Gabourey Sidibe, Best Supporting Actress – Mo’Nique, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Picture
Most Likely to Win: Mo’Nique is probably a lock for a Best Supporting Actress. Anything else is unlikely.
What It’s About: Gabourey Sidibe plays an overweight impoverished girl named Precious living in Harlem in the 1980s with her physically and emotionally abusive mother, played by stand-up comic Mo’Nique, and who has been repeatedly raped by her father and is pregnant with his second child (the first one has Down’s Syndrome). She gets her life together thanks to an educational program that brilliantly shrinks the class size down to a manageable number. Basically, it’s the “feel good” movie of the year.
Impress Your Friends: Helen Mirren was originally supposed to play the social worker in Precious, but had to drop out. She was then replaced with Mariah Carey. This is the only occasion in the history of time in which Mariah Carey will ever be seen as a reasonable Helen Mirren substitute.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “This unflinching look at a girl whose childhood was destroyed, and then rebuilt as a fresh start at adult independence, featured standout performances by Sidibe and Mo’Nique. By placing such overwhelming obstacles in Precious’s path even the tiniest victory becomes applause-worthy. And the final message of empowerment through female bonding is as inspiring as any other you’re likely to find. Anywhere.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Precious wallows in negative black stereotypes to such an incredible extent that it’s nothing short of amazing that anyone doesn’t come out of the theater offended. Whether it be a sequence devoted to the acquisition of fried chicken, the depiction of fathers as immoral rapists or uncaring mothers content to live off of welfare and beat their children for the rest of their lives, any positive message is buried underneath shallow portrayals of monsters and their implausibly angelic counterparts.”

A SERIOUS MAN

Nominated For: Best Original Screenplay, Best Picture.
Most Likely to Win: It’s got a little support for Best Original Screenplay, but not enough to overtake the frontrunners.
What It’s About: Michael Stuhlbarg stars in a modern-day Job story as a Jewish husband and father with a hateful wife (who is leaving him for a mutual friend), kids who don’t give a damn about him, a freeloading brother with a disgusting cyst and an increasingly problematic Korean student who is trying to bribe his way into a passing grade. Stuhlbarg struggles to be a good person in the face of overwhelming circumstances that may, or may not, be the work of God.
Impress Your Friends: The Yiddish folk tale that makes up A Serious Man’s prologue was completely made up by the Coen Bros., who reportedly couldn’t find any genuine Yiddish folk tales that suited the needs of their script.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “The Coen Brothers have done it again, returning to the tales of quiet desperation they originally explored with Barton Fink, telling a simple story with very complicated interpretations. Michael Stuhlbarg nails his portrayal of a decent man thrown into a Job situation with ramifications far beyond his ken, and his gradual destruction draws into question in the ineffability of life itself, which goes on its own merry way whether or not we take arms against it.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “The Coen Brothers have done it again, taking a simple tale of quiet desperation and making it absolutely impenetrable with narrative flourishes that have only a tangential association with one another, encouraging the audience to make connections where, in fact, there may be none. Like the actual Job story, the movie falls apart when the audience finally asks, at the end, ‘What was the damned POINT of it all?’”

A SINGLE MAN

Nominated For: Best Actor – Colin Firth.
Most Likely to Win: Nothing, most likely.
What It’s About: Colin Firth stars as a gay English professor on the eve of the Cuban Missile Crisis who is contemplating suicide in the aftermath of his lover’s tragic and sudden death. Over the course of what may very well be the last day of his life, every passing moment could be the one that either gives him the will to live or finally gives him a reason to end it all. As directed by fashion designer Tom Ford it’s gorgeously shot, but often takes the appearance of an ad in Vanity Fair.
Impress Your Friends: That young and sexy college student that Colin Firth develops a very, very intimate relationship with? That’s Nicholas Hoult, the little kid from About a Boy (also produced by Chris Weitz). Ewwwwww…!
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “The only Oscar snub worth mentioning this year is the lack of recognition for cinematographer Eduard Grau, whose distinctive framing and radical use of color timing elevated what could have been essentially a chamber room drama into one of the best films of the year. Colin Firth’s tragic take on his own downtrodden acting persona could very well redefine his career.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “A Single Man was very pretty indeed. So pretty, in fact, that it was often indistinguishable from a Calvin Klein commercial. It may be fair to say that almost TOO much of the story was told through the cinematography, leaving the actual narrative so sparse that the ‘on the nose’ ending felt trite, despite obviously good intentions.”

UP

Nominated For: Best Original Score, Best Sound Editing, Best Original Screenplay, Best Animated Feature, Best Picture
Most Likely to Win: Best Animated Feature (although Fantastic Mr. Fox could be a spoiler there), and maybe, just maybe Best Original Score.
What It’s About: Ed Asner stars in this computer-animated film about an old man who, in the wake of his beloved wife’s death, decides to go off on the adventure she always wanted. This adventure involves thousands of helium balloons, talking dogs, a rare bird and an adorable boy scout, all of which combined gradually start to warm his icy heart.
Impress Your Friends: Up is only the second animated film to be nominated for Best Picture, after Beauty in the Beast was nominated (and lost) in 1991.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “Up is clearly Pixar’s most mature work to date, and not just because it stars an octogenarian. Up confronts audiences with genuine human loss in a way that most films don’t even attempt by showing you a lifetime of plausible beauty and then stealing it away. The fantastical journey that follows represents the possibilities that ironically are generated by genuine tragedy, and the nonsensical plot points contrast perfectly with the protagonist’s self-loathing and oppressive lack of interest.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Maybe the opening is brilliant filmmaking and maybe it isn’t, but after that the film devolves into one weird and random story idea after the other with only the underlying theme to hold it all together, and that doesn’t seem to be enough. It’s sincere but it may also be one of the worst Pixar movies.”

UP IN THE AIR

Nominated For: Best Director – Jason Reitman, Best Actor – George Clooney, Best Supporting Actress – Vera Farmiga, Best Supporting Actress – Anna Kendrick, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Picture 
Most Likely to Win: The competition is too strong in the acting categories, so the Academy is most likely to reward it for Best Adapted Screenplay.
What It’s About: George Clooney stars in this Oh-So-Topical dramedy about a man who lives his life from airport to airport, never making a real human connection despite his job, which requires him to break the bad news to undeservingly terminated corporate hires. His life is ironically turned Up in the Air-side down when a hotshot new employee played by Anna Kendrick places his job in jeopardy with the threat of automated human interaction.
Impress Your Friends: George Clooney’s goal in the film – to reach 10,000,000 in flight miles and then be rewarded with special privileges (and his name on a plane) – is pure fiction. American Airlines provides no such reward, although it does have many other incentive programs including an invitation-only “Concierge Key.” After directing the film, American Airlines gave Jason Reitman a “Concierge Key” of his very own, doubtless for his film’s endlessly-flattering product placement.
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Liked It: “This is a smart comedy-drama with a trio of genuinely Oscar-worthy performances that never talks down to its audiences. The character development in the screenplay is on par with Sideways, and the ending of the film skirts obvious convention with a thematically rich conclusion that doesn’t take the easy way out. Here’s that rare movie that feels like Billy Wilder could have, and would have, made it if he were alive.”
What to Say if You’re Pretending You Hated It: “Hey Jason Reitman, did you know that the economy sucks right now? Yeah, so did we. Maybe instead of spending millions of corporate dollars making a love letter to the people destroying all of our lives you could, I dunno, make a movie that focuses on the people really suffering right now. Or better yet, if you really care, JUST GIVE US SOME OF THAT DAMNED MONEY.”