Geekscape After Dark presents This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX!
Welcome to Geekscape After Dark, where your mind is about to get blown. For years now, “Reality” television has been the backbone of the entertainment industry. Reality TV, for the layperson, consists of television programs that represent a wholly accurate portrayal of reality – hence the name. But is “reality” programming really “real?” The answer, as posited by Hustler Video’s This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX, will shock you to your very core.
If critically-acclaimed writer/producer/director Stuart Canterbury (Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-er Story, Topless Marathon Runner, Quantum Deep) is to be believed, there exists beneath the wholesome world of reality television – now stick with me for a minute – a seamy underbelly. Some of these television series may not actually be “found footage” documentaries of, for example, sociological experiments in which disparate individuals travel to a deserted island in an effort to start a perfect communal life in which those who fail to meet the standards of the new utopian society are democratically chosen to return to their previous existence. And perhaps, just perhaps, Lauren Conrad’s highly coveted employment opportunities in the fashion world aren’t the result of years of toil, passion and paying her dues, but instead have – and again, just stick with me on this – just a little bit more to do with the fact that she’s on television?
Can you believe director Stuart Canterbury has the audacity to question
Chef Jordan Rams’Em’s motivations?!
The vehicle for Mr. Canterbury’s exposé is his latest film, This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX. Unlike other entries in the “This Ain’t…” franchise, the title indicates more than the fact that the film in question isn’t meant to be associated with its source material (even though it obviously is). This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX also cleverly parodies the fact that both it and the original “Hell’s Kitchen” never seem to take place in Manhattan’s “Hell’s Kitchen” at all! Already our preconceived notions of reality television are being challenged… after all, even the title of a so-called “reality” television series is lying to us. And as an added bonus, it also informs the audience that, sadly, no… Daredevil will not be making a cameo appearance.
In the film, Marcus London (Cougar Club: The Hunt is On, Lippstixxx and Dipstixxx) plays “Jordan Rams’Em,” a brilliant parody of the name of “Gordon Ramsay,” the original Hell’s Kitchen’s star and creator. In case any of our readers are failing to pick up on the subtle complexities of this joke, Stuart Canterbury changed “Gordon” to “Jordan,” doubtless in an homage to the famous song by Buckethead which is renowned for its complexity in both “reality” and the videogame “Guitar Hero II.” In this way we come to understand that beneath his perhaps phoney exterior lies a man with the exceptional talent necessary to earn his vaunted position. His second name, “Rams’Em,” is a significantly less obvious reference, but probably mostly refers to the fact that, because This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX is a pornographic enterprise, his character will most likely being having some kind of sex at some point in the film’s narrative. Skeptical readers may doubt the veracity of this claim, instead choosing to believe that Mr. Canterbury simply made a “gaff” and “got” the illustrious Mr. Ramsay’s last name “wrong,” but indeed it is these skeptics who are in fact mistaken, as the obviously inaccurate placement of the apostrophe in the middle of the protagonist’s last name clues the audience in to the filmmakers’ actual intentions.
This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX is fascinatingly structured not like a film, with a “beginning,” “middle,” and “end,” but like an “episode” of a “television series.” But – and this is the brilliant part – this “episode” is neither at the beginning nor the end of the “season.” In this way the filmmakers can effectively sideline the leaden exposition and dramatically inert denouements that so frequently drag down even the most talented of filmmakers’ best intentions. It’s an exceptionally smart device that is surprisingly only rarely used, but has proved essential to the success of such classic films as “The Matrix Reloaded,” “Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones,” and, of course, “The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension.” At the beginning of the “episode” we are informed via a disembodied narrator that only six contestants remain on the show “after last week’s grueling episode,” which doubtless explains why Mr. Canterbury chose this particular episode to focus on. After all, who wants to see a film about porn stars making gruel?
If you can’t stand the heat, then get out of the This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen!
With only two male contestants and four female contestants left, competition seems fierce, but although this sense of competition will remain the film’s most prominent theme, the filmmakers take a brief moment at the beginning to establish the sacrifices these noble contestants are making. On the “Blue” (read: male) team, Chef Frank (Kris Slater – Bikini Babes from Burbank, This Ain’t the Partridge Family XXX) expresses his desire for the competition to be over so he can return to his beloved girlfriend’s side. But although this establishes his character’s more empathetic qualities, he immediately points out that he’s on the “Blue” team because he hasn’t had sexual intercourse in an extended period of time. This fascination with human sexuality will remain a recurring motif throughout This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX’s narrative, as we shall soon discover.
When Chef Rams’Em arrives he announces that tonight’s challenge with be “the toughest they’ve ever faced,” to which Chef Annie (Kagney Linn Carter – Confessions of a Cheating Housewife, P.O.V. Centerfolds 8) mouths off, “I don’t know, I’ve faced some pretty hard ones,” Chef Rams’Em gets “all up in her grill,” if you will excuse the pun, with a series of sexist and profanity-laced insults including, “You’ve got a smart mouth for some stupid tart,” “I’ve seen chickens with better breasts than you,” and “In fact, the tables in my restaurant have better legs than you! You disgust me!” Ordinarily, broadcast television would censor these kinds of remarks, but leave it to pornography to reveal the truth behind our most innocent illusions. By not sugarcoating the host’s tirades we as an audience begin to suspect that he may, in fact, not be using this television series for the betterment of mankind(’s cookery) after all. Might the host of Hell’s Kitchen not be a very nice person?!
“Your challenge tonight is to cook Sir Robin’s minstrels.”
“Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…!”
The challenge for tonight, Chef Rams’em says, is that a food critic will be amongst the diners, and that whichever team’s cooking she likes the least will lose one of their contestants… forever. Chef Annie, the source of the host’s spite, confesses to the camera after the announcement that, “I deserved everything he said to me… I just wanted Chef’s attention.” This is a fascinating revelation on the part of the filmmakers, but one that deserves close scrutiny. Are reality television stars really just “seeking attention?” Surely there are other, less complicated ways to achieve personal fulfillment than by going on television, like an accomplished career as a professional chef for example, but Chef Annie proves that she’s less interested in pursuing her culinary career than in seeking Chef Rams’Em’s approval in the following scene in which she – and get ready for a bombshell – has sex with him!
Yes, the following sequence begins with Chef Annie miming the act of cooking, an ingenious visual representation of the fact that her character is simply “going through the motions” before Chef Rams’Em enters and gives her an opportunity to redeem herself via her cooking prowess. “I would like to see what you could do with this bit of English sausage,” he requests, but instead of chopping it into little pieces like you would expect, Chef Annie ignores his culinary request and instead has sex with him right in the middle of the kitchen! What’s worse is that Chef Rams’Em has sex right back, meaning both of these supposed culinary professionals are performing highly unsanitary acts in a supposedly sterile food preparation area. In this way, Stuart Canterbury asks a serious and outright scandalous question: Are reality television stars, if you will forgive the expression, whores?!
Chef Jordan Rams’Em really chews Chef Annie out for her inappropriate kitchen attire.
That night, the customers at the restaurant await their food. The implication is that because the contestants are having sex in the kitchen, the service at the restaurant is technically inadequate. This is a truly insightful observation on the part of the filmmakers. Certainly audiences around the world are entertained by their backstage shenanigans, but the result is often a sacrifice in the quality of their craft. The issue comes to a head when two customers – Mike (Billy Glide – Milfology, Terminally Blonde) and Nancy (Aiden Starr – Celebrity Pornhab with Dr. Screw, Eight is Enough) – become so impatient that they decide to skip the dinner aspect of their date and proceed directly to the fornication! The fact that the other diners are forced to watch beautifully illustrates the consequences of the reality stars’ actions. Are they not encouraging inappropriate behavior with their poor example?
Meanwhile, the food critic (Veronica Rayne – Bossy Boss 4, Your Mom), sets herself up for disaster when she tells the waiter, “I’ll have the cream of asparagus soup to start, then I’ll have the chicken with cream and caper sauce, and a salad on the side.” Further, when prompted for her choice of dressing, she requests the “creamy Italian.” Naturally, this places considerable strain on the kitchen’s cream supply, forcing Chef Giuseppi (Anthony Rosano – Gluteus Maximass, Hearts and Minds 2: Modern Warfare) to improvise, despite Chef Frank’s more responsible protests. His solution to the problem harkens back to the actions of Fight Club’s Tyler Durden, creating an intriguing parallel between stardom and cult leadership. Like the previous scene, it forces the viewer to question the moral responsibilities of reality stars. Maybe they’re not all saints? Further, Chef Giuseppi is actually rewarded for his behavior when the food critic enjoys his new recipe for cream to such a significant extent that later, as the restaurant closes, she privately requests seconds! The message is clear: we as an audience are not so much condoning this irresponsible behavior in pursuit of personal gain as we are rewarding it. For shame…
Chef Giuseppi is Cream of Italian Dressing! He’s a cop who doesn’t play by society’s rules…
But not everyone is willing to sleep with a member of the opposite sex in pursuit of fame and glory. Others, like Chef Barbie (Kylee Reese – Talk Show Tarts, Beyond the Cyber Door) and Chef Cherry (Toe Service #4) choose not to prostitute themselves to Chef Rams’Em or some random food critic out of some misguided obsession with competition. No, instead they prostitute themselves to each other while Chef Rams’Em watches. The road to hell(‘s kitchen) is apparently paved with good intentions, and the irony of their attempts to maintain their dignity by making questionable moral compromises is completely lost on every character, but not – thanks to the expert filmmaking of Stuart Canterbury – to the audience.
After dinner has finally been served, the contestants are greeted by Jordan Rams’Em who is in such a foul mood (surprising, given the amount of endorphins that must be circulating through his system by now) that he even interrupts the disembodied voice-over guy by screaming, “Come on! Quicken it up!” Despite his screaming, his insults, and even his angry demands for applause he finally manages to announce that the winner for the evening was the blue team, and that Chef Frank has to decide with member of the pink team is going home… forever. No mention is made as to why Chef Frank gets to make this monumental decision, raising the issue of reality television’s arbitrary system of rules. Can they really be considered rules if the host can break them at any time?
Chef Frank, heretofore This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen’s voice of reason and a devoted boyfriend, finds himself in a quandary over his new task until Chef Diane (Missy Stone – Breakroom Betties, Scrubs: A XXX Parody) enters and begs him not to vote her off of the show. Ordinarily, one would assume that the heroic Chef Frank would be resistant to her sexual advances, but the weeks/months of competition and celibacy appear to have finally gotten the better of him. Chef Diane finally corrupts Chef Frank with the promise (and realization) of physical delights, even placing her own pink chef’s hat on his head to symbolize that he is now one of “them.“ He has officially become a reality star, but in the process he has been filmed cheating on his girlfriend, thus doubtless ruining a meaningful, “real” relationship in favor of momentary “reality” gratification.
Despite her supposedly sophisticated “Chef’s Palate,” Chef Diane seems unaware
that all green bottle beers taste alike.
The message is as bold as it is clear: reality stars are whores, seeking attention and personal satisfaction at the cost of respectability and moral decency (except those “Jon & Kate” folks – being married, they’re probably immune to these effects). It’s a strong moral stance being made by Stuart Canterbury and Hustler Video, one only reinforced by the fact that the film never reveals who exactly is getting voted off of This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX. To the audience, all of these morally compromised and disgusting people will be on TV forever because, you see, in Hell’s Kitchen… there is no exit.
This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from Hustler Video, and comes highly recommended from Geekscape After Dark.
