Geekscape After Dark presents The Whores Have Eyes!
Welcome to Geekscape After Dark, where the remake is always better than the original. Despite the fact that horror relies on the unexpected and unfamiliar, horror remakes are all the rage in Hollywood these days. But for every decent re-imagining like Friday the 13th or My Bloody Valentine there are a half dozen remakes like The Wicker Man or Halloween that miss the point of the original entirely. So it’s a curious thing that Stuart Canterbury’s The Whores Have Eyes, a remake of Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes and possibly Alexandre Aja’s remake of Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes, manages to both miss the point entirely and be a great film in its own right.
Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes was released to much critical acclaim in 1977… at least, as much critical acclaim as a horror movie could get back in those days (or these, for that matter). His original tale of a sheltered American family besieged by a family of feral desert-dwelling mutants called into question many of the assumptions Americans have of their culture. By the end of the film the wholesome family unit had turned as violent and morally compromised as their attackers (a theme he had originally explored, in less detail, in 1972’s Last House on the Left), but they had also become empowered. By violently lashing out in the throws of post-traumatic stress they finally took charge of their own lives, something even Craven seemed unwilling to clarify as a positive development. Alexandre Aja’s 2006 remake of the film stayed true to the film’s plotline and many of its themes, but in keeping with his oeuvre intensified the original’s already powerful portrayal of man’s cruelty to man. While technically a “good film,” Aja’s remake wallows in its own violent crapulence, and remains an effective cinematic experience but also frequently difficult to watch.
Horror remakes…? Patooey!
In contrast, Stuart Canterbury’s 2009 remake – now cleverly titled “The Whores Have Eyes” – is a highly entertaining affair, thoroughly watchable to anyone with eyes, whether they’re whores or not. Director Stuart Canterbury (This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX, The Secret of Harlot Hill) brings a significantly more playful air to his tale of a dysfunctional family unit driving through an irradiated desert and beset from all sides by radioactive nymphomaniacs who, if their costume design is any indication, still haven’t gotten beyond Thunderdome.
Marcus London (Busted in the Badlands, This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX) stars as… someone whose name we never quite catch, but apparently he’s the alpha male of a suburban family taking their camper on an extended road trip. After driving past a really rather clearly marked sign indicating “Restricted Area” and “DANGER” they stop at a gas station to ask for directions. The creepy gas station attendant played by Eric Swiss (The Texas Vibrator Massacre, This Ain’t the Partridge Family XXX) warns London’s character that “No one takes this road anymore, not since the government started doing their radioactive tests” (emphasis mine), but in the interest of getting the movie started London’s character decides not to ask any follow-up questions, including but not limited to why anyone would keep a gas station open on a radioactive testing ground. He then brilliantly chooses not to fill up on gas before making the long and perilous journey through the abandoned and radioactive desert, because hey, gas is expensive. “I’ll take my chances,” he says.
The ultra-violence of the original Hills Have Eyes has here been replaced by some light shoving.
After Marcus London leaves, the gas station attendant is confronted by a disarmingly attractive Twisted Sister fan with an unusually large purple dot between her eyes played by Britney Amber (Get Smartass, Imperfect Angels 1). “You’re back,” he says. “Like you said,” she replies. “You’re not my last chance. You’re my only chance.” They then proceed to fornicate avidly outside the gas station. This scene raises a lot of questions. Who is this woman? Why is the gas station attendant her only chance? And does her wanton sexual deviancy contradict her clearly intense dedication to Hindu enlightenment, as implied by her engorged third eye?
Soon, the camper breaks down in the middle of the desert, and Marcus London’s character becomes the target of passive-aggressive attacks on the part of his family. Defending himself, he suggests that they sprang a leak, to which his daughter or perhaps son’s girlfriend, played by Ryder Skye (MiLF Soup 6, Son of Blackzilla) classily replies, “I’d like to spring a leak except for the toilet’s broken.” London looks happy to walk away from his vague family in pursuit of gas (none of his “children” appear to have picked up a hint of his British accent, nor are their relationships explicitly codified except a general reference to Marcus London being the group’s “father” figure). In his absence his wife, played by Claudia Valentine (Cougars 2, Kinky Cougars 1), retreats to the comfort of their camper while Todd, played by Alan Stafford (Boot Camp: Sex Survival, Night of the Giving Head) “goes off exploring.” Meanwhile, Ryder Skye and her boyfriend, or possibly stepbrother (Chris Cannon – Sex & Violins, School of Hard Knockers 2) have sex while Mom is five feet away inside the camper with fully functional windows, yet offering no objections. Making the scene vaguely creepy is the fact that we know Ryder Skye really, really had to go to the bathroom, but this subplot remains inexplicably unresolved.
When are you all going to stop fighting and realize you love each other?!
Marcus London arrives at the gas station by nightfall, only to find Kenzi Marie (Flying Solo, Tickle Torture 1), who appears to have smudged her make-up slightly. “Did you run out of gas,” he asks? “No, honey. I’ll never run out of gas. My engine will stay running until the end of time.” Once again, London’s character neglects to ask the obvious questions – like how Kenzi Marie achieved immortality (I know I’d be curious) – and instead has sex with her while his family worries that neither he nor Todd have returned yet. Ryder Skye and Chris Cannon decide to go off searching for Todd (never to return, for some reason), while Claudia Black is surprised to find Tricia Oaks (It Takes Two 5, More Dirty Debutantes 303) inside her camper with anachronistically big hair and seeking love and affection, which she then receives… sexually. Then Todd comes back, apparently having rather enjoyed his long walk in the desert, only to find that the camper is now guarded by three female raiders from the Fallout series, played by Aiden Starr (This Ain’t Hell’s Kitchen XXX, This Ain’t the Munsters XXX), Jackie Avalon (My Secret Girlfriend, Sex Cult Scenesters) and Lilly Kingston (Fresh Outta High School 12, 14 & 15). “I was just out exploring,” he says. “Explore this,” they say, apparently meaning his sexuality, because sex ensues.
“What… is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”
The next morning, Marcus London wakes up at the gas station to find the attendant, now shirtless for some reason, looming over him.
“What the hell happened?”
“Space aliens… Or, seduced by one of the local nymphomaniacs… The military did these tests out here, turned all the local girls into nymphomaniacs… They’re always watching for fresh meat. The Whores Have Eyes.”
Also, the whores have binoculars.
While this subtle revelation wraps the film up quite nicely, answering every question clearly and elegantly, thematically the remake seems somehow less substantial than Wes Craven’s original film. By replacing the sadistic violence with hardcore sexuality the filmmakers made the film more fun, but also less terrifying. If anything, these hills seem like a pretty neat place to live, which explains why Eric Swiss’s character would keep a gas station open there despite some obviously low profit margins. Perhaps if more effort had been made to demonstrate how the family had been changed by these events (sexually restrained beforehand, sexually liberated afterwards) then The Whores Have Eyes could be seen as a significant improvement on the original, timeless horror classic. Instead, it is merely a small improvement. The only new element appears to be a radically different take on nuclear testing, perceived in the original as the creator of hideously violent mutants, and here seen as a reasonably harmless sexual stimulant (and if the dialogue is any indication, possibly the key to human immortality). Canterbury’s film therefore takes its own unlikely place in cinematic history as one of the very few pro-nuclear weaponry propaganda pornographic horror movie remakes.
Still, the Whores Have Eyes remains one of the better horror remakes in recent years, leagues above such God awful entries as Halloween and When a Stranger Calls, and only a few steps below such modern classics as Dawn of the Dead and The Ring. If you’re looking for something with eyes, then Geekscape After Dark heartily recommends these particular whores.
The Whores Have Eyes is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from Hustler Video.
