Geekscape After Dark presents Race 2 Race!

Welcome to Geekscape After Dark, where you can always work on your hand-eye coordination. This week, we are pleased to review the 2008 “multi-racial gaming experience” Race 2 Race, a game which no doubt inspired Valve’s critically acclaimed Left 4 Dead through its misleading title. Race 2 Race is not, as one would assume, the sequel to (the non-existent) Race 1 Race, but rather a new interactive experience that takes the genre trappings of the fighting game genre and brilliantly replaces the body slams, fetish outfits and “finishing moves” with something sexual instead!

Unlike most of Geekscape After Dark’s subject matter, Race 2 Race demands to be reviewed as a videogame. As such, we will divide the review into the traditional, arbitrary categories: Story, Presentation, Functionality, and finally Overall Entertainment Value.

Race 2 Race’s Haus is a very, very, very fine Haus.

Story:

There isn’t one. Like many games that belong to the “fighting game” genre, the plot is merely a device that brings disparate characters into a single location and forces them into physical conflict. Although the box purports that 17 characters have entered into a contest to earn the title of “World’s Best (Person with Whom to Fornicate),” no mention is made of this within gameplay. Colorful characters are merely beamed into an arena, look around in a vaguely confused fashion before locking eyes with their opponent and… settling their differences.

It’s not Neil Simon, but it will do. Fighting games are not about convoluted plotlines, they’re about strong characters (something the makers of movies based on fighting games have yet to figure out). In good fighting games, every character is distinct from their costuming to their fighting style, and while there is little in the way of narrative development throughout any given game, each character has a dramatic back story that strongly motivates them to participate in a given contest. Sometimes their motivation is fame and glory, other times it’s the desire to defeat or defend another contestant, while for others the contest is merely a means of proving their own self-worth.

And I suppose E. Honda, Zangief and Dhalsim were politically correct?

While the various characters in Race 2 Race follow some of these tenets closely – they all adhere to specific racial stereotypes, ranging from Soccer Hooligan to Rwandan Genocidist – their motivations for entering the game are so unimportant that they are relegated to a supplemental disc. Some characters were raised by monks and went off to see the world while others, like Zimbabwe’s King Zutu, are looking for a worthy mate, but judging from the brief character bios none of them stand to gain terribly much from the competition, resulting in little empathy from the player.

As such, despite a considerable handicap based on the lowered expectations towards fighting games, Race 2 Race earns only average marks in the story department. But it’s still a fighting game in which people have sex with each other instead of actually fighting, so the more hardcore audience probably won’t care too much about the story anyway.

At last, the long-standing rivalry between Turkey, Spain and Kenya will be resolved.

PRESENTATION:

If you’re looking at the screenshots in this review you have probably already noticed that the character modeling in Race 2 Race is outstanding. Every single character is photorealistic, drool-worthy and modeled after real pornographic actors. Killer Quan is the spitting image of Mia Smiles (Color Blind) and if I didn’t know better I’d think was watching actual footage of Victoria Sin (Last Whorehouse on the Left) as Gretchen “The Gunner” Goodhaus, the game’s answer to Soul Calibur’s Ivy. Unlike Soul Calibur, and for that matter just about any fighting game these days, Race 2 Race makes no concessions towards character customization. Each character’s broad stereotype of a costume is the only one they get, although during gameplay these outfits can be torn off to reveal equally impressive skin and even bodily fluid effects!

Regrettably, the incredible character modeling does not entirely make up for the extremely poor environmental design. Most fighting games provide at least as many arenas as there are characters (frequently with each arena corresponding to a specific character – Blanka’s swamp, for example, or Vega’s cage match). In Race 2 Race there is very little variety in each environment: it’s always a room containing a series of couches, often in different locations around the room, and occasionally different colors of curtains or – if we’re really, really lucky – a gong. Whoop-de-doo. Admittedly there’s a decent amount of character interaction within these environments (each couch can and will be used, for example), but evidently so much time was spent on the character and costume modeling that there was simply no time left over to render unique environments.

Race 2 Race’s developers show off their innovative “Couch Reassignment” engine.

As for sound, well… there is sound. It’s not a terribly dynamic soundtrack nor are the audio effects terribly engaging. The voice-acting is decent, but frankly if the premise of the game to depict characters of different cultural backgrounds interacting physically with one another, then at least some effort should have gone into accurate accents for their dialogue. Still, the characters are so beautiful that we can’t help but give the presentation a passing grade, low though it may be.

FUNCTIONALITY:

When playing Race 2 Race one thing becomes readily apparent: Hideo Kojima worships this game. If you think Metal Gear Solid 4 had too many cinematics then stay far, far away from Race 2 Race. If, on the other hand, you’re a diehard MSG fan you’ll probably love “playing” Race 2 Race. Unfortunately, I stand on the other side – far, far on the other side – of that fence.

“Sex Style: Sand Storm.” Just as painful as it sounds.

Interactivity in Race 2 Race sadly seems limited to the “Character Select” screen. The player selects their character and the computer “randomly” selects an opponent for them. I put “randomly” in quotes because no matter how many times I selected each character, the computer would always select the same opponent(s). If Race 2 Race didn’t clearly call itself a “gaming experience” I would think they’d just taken a Chapter Select screen from a Fighting Game-themed pornographic movie and changed the captions. At first I just assumed the game was selecting characters based on whose ethnic backgrounds would be in the most conflict, but what grievances do Saudi Arabians and Australians have to work out? And why pair a Nazi with a Rwandan mercenary? Their mutual histories of genocide?

Admittedly, Race 2 Race does feature some innovative grappling moves.

As the characters have been selected, the player then watches a cut scene of their character having various kinds of sex with their opponent. Some variety comes into play when characters are sometimes chosen to face off against two or even three opponents (Nigera’s Princess Penwa always seems to fight Raven Heart, Adam “The All-American” Anderson and The Austrian Assassin, for example), but aside from merely requesting that their character have sex the player has no control over the events. I never thought I’d say this, but as a gamer I would have killed for a Quicktime Event! Seriously, if Race 2 Race is really a videogame then you’d think they’d give us something to do with our hands!

OVERALL ENTERTAINMENT VALUE (NOT AN AVERAGE):

Despite its many admirable qualities (did you check out those realistic heaving effects? Wow…), Race 2 Race barely qualifies as a videogame… again, much like Metal Gear Solid 4. And like Metal Gear Solid 4 it’s bound to have its hardcore detractors and hardcore fans. Some people like to have their games played for them, I suppose, but personally I just call that just watching a movie. Race 2 Race would probably be a very good movie, but as a “gaming experience” it’s a little underwhelming. It’s highly recommended for people who would rather watch people have sex than play a fighting game, but honestly… who would want to do that?

Race 2 Race is currently available on DVD from Wicked Pictures.

Jazz hands, people! Jazz hands!